When you're recovering from any sort of eating disorder, everything that you're doing can feel incredibly counter-intuitive. Or even counter-cultural. The mass media is pretty good at conditioning us to pursue weight loss goals--we see FitBits and Nike "Just Do It" ads everywhere. And while these can be awesome and inspiring for some of us, they can be upsetting for those of us who are dealing with body image issues. If your brain is telling you harder, faster, stronger, lighter, eating an extra snack or working out less as opposed to more can feel like "wrong." But why are our internal and external dialogues surrounding health so judgmental, hateful, and fearful? Are judgement, fear, and hate really the foundations for wellness?
Since committing to recovery--which is a twisting, winding road and definitely not a straight, easy one--I've experienced many "wow" moments. Having an afternoon snack of cocoa-honey patties yesterday, I laughed and said, "I feel so weird just getting in the car and having chocolate."
My mum immediately called me out on this: "What's so weird about it? You're just a girl having a snack. There's nothing wrong with that." She said it very sweetly, but I knew she was reminding me to get my brain out of "Restriction" mode and into "Compassion" mode. Compassion mode is all about making informed, sustainable, loving choices with food and exercise, etc., as opposed to acting out of restrictive and fearful patterns.
So what do restrictive, fearful patterns look like?
- Panicking about eating "extra"
- Running miles in the gym
- Doing HIIT even though it hurts
- Trying to "compensate" for eating with exercise
- "Earning" your food
- Avoiding dessert, snacks, etc., at all costs
- Picking at your stomach, thighs, etc.
- Weighing yourself obsessively
- Letting your worth be determined by the number on the scale/the size of your pants
- Feeling guilty after eating
- Feeling anxious about meals (i.e. obsessively planning out how to eat as little as possible, etc.)
- Any other compulsive, repetitive, self-hating behaviors!
Does anything I just listed sound like fun? No! Wouldn't it be more fun to have free, compassionate patterns? Here's an idea of what they look like:
- Doing movement you enjoy (when you feel like it)
- Being able to go out to a restaurant
- Being able to handle changes in your routine/schedule
- Nourishing your body properly
- Feeling excited about holidays again
- Not letting your body dictate what you wear, how you carry yourself, etc.
- Eating without worrying about compensation
- YAYAYAY.
I definitely haven't reached this free, compassionate place 100%. No, I'm still very much in the "recovery process." But if you feel like I do and want freedom, then let's make a commitment to NOURISH and LOVE ourselves! You can still be "healthy" without all your "rules." I've found so many fun recipes online that are friendly to my acne-prone skin and also friendly to animals (i.e. they don't promote factory farming), and making treats like coconut rice and mango chunks, smoothies, and mung dahl has helped me to see that food can be about COMPASSION instead of CONTROL.
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| https://pathofselflove.org/2018/02/2018-self-love-poster/ |
I'm still adjusting to feeling "full" and to not running around the house every time I eat, but I'm finding that reading, doing yoga, and not worrying about my torso all the time are so much better than stressing out and controlling everything. If we are loving to ourselves and make compassionate food and movement choices, then we can be compassionate to those around us, too. Being restrictive and fearful didn't make me a fun person to be around!
Love to all!
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