Pages

Sunday, December 23, 2018

Holiday Thoughts from Eating Disorder Recovery

Now that final exams are over and it's almost the last day of Advent, I feel like the whole season is going by very quickly, and it's increasingly difficult to stay grounded amidst the chaos of last-minute shopping and mailing and the close of the semester as both a student and a teacher. The little kids I work with were very excited to be going home for winter break, and I'm grateful to be home. Most of my energies are now devoted to approaching scholarship deadlines, cleaning, sending packages, cat-sitting, and more cleaning, but, as someone still "in recovery," my thoughts have of course wandered to places eating disorder-related.  Needless to say, some of those places have been more enlightened than others.

Seriously, though . . .  these gingerbread men are more enlightened than I am sometimes.

Image result for gingerbread cookies
From delish.com

It's the time of year that, between Christmas songs, radios play advertisements for gym memberships to help you "get back on track" after the holidays. I'm by no means being critical or negative about these ads. Gym memberships can be wonderful opportunities for people to take a break, relax, and do something fun and active. But the way we talk about "fitness" is seriously flawed. By using phrases like "earn it to burn it," we've created a paradigm that food and exercise are related. In order to eat, you need to work out.

If I told that to my child self, she'd look at me like I were crazy. For little kids, "working out" isn't really a thing. My students move around intuitively, eat intuitively, sleep well, and lead healthy lifestyles just by default, and they all look different based on genetics. They don't have any of the addictive, unhealthy habits that hurt people physically and mentally, and they don't exist in extremes. None of them are equating what they eat to how they move, yet none of them are spending all day watching YouTube videos, either. "Balanced' doesn't mean "following all the magic health guidelines" and being "perfect." It means just being and living in a way that is light and flexible and free and connected to nature, your spirit, and other people.

In other words, "balanced" does not mean jumping on the self-hate train as soon as the holidays are over.

I know that this is much easier said than done. It's been a long, long time since I've eaten dessert and felt totally, 100% "free" about it afterwards. Usually, a lot of breath-holding and self-hate is involved! As someone who loves yoga, meditation, and spirituality, I often feel like a hypocrite. I give so much lip service to "compassion" and "loving-kindness" and "flexibility," but then when I'm supposed to be compassionate, kind, and flexible with myself, I'm the opposite.

Image result for she's a life ruiner meme
Janis is probably talking about anorexia! (Image not mine.)

What's been helping me in times of self-bullying (which, for anyone affected by New Year's food- and body-shaming, may be more frequent during the holiday season) is taking a deep breath and going to that more spiritual place in my head that realizes my body is a gift, not a burden or an object. Again, this is easier said than done, but when you're judging yourself, try to take a step away from yourself. There's this lovely quote floating around the Internet about how everyone is just a "ghost piloting a meat-covered skeleton made of stardust." If at our essence we're really just ghosts/souls/spirits/cosmic beings, then our bodies are vehicles through which we can interact with the world. We need to appreciate them for what they are, take care of them, and stop angsting about how to "change" and "fix" them. JUST BE. The only thing you need to "detox" right now is self-hate. It's doing much more damage than any enlightened little gingerbread man every will.

<3 <3 <3 

Monday, December 10, 2018

Embracing Unpredictability

Instead of studying for finals yesterday, I spent the morning trudging through snowmageddon with my mum and brother. Because of a rather un-foreboding weather forecast, we'd thought that we would be able to make it home from church before the weather got bad, but our 24 year-old car ended up sliding down an ice hill, and we had to abandon it in the middle of the city and seek shelter in our friend's tool shed. By the time he got home to break us out of it, the roads were buried, and we ended up staying the night without access to any of our homework. Yay, finals!

Needless to say, I am so incredibly grateful our hero-friend saved us from the snowstorm. We got locked in his shed, and when he showed up wearing a Santa hat to break us out of it, we were soaked and covered in the purple-red hues of pre-frostbite. I swear that I've never been so happy in my life to have a cup of tea before . . . even if the inspirational quote on the tea bag made me feel a bit foolish for having gone out that morning:

"One thorn of experience is worth a whole wilderness of warning."

Thank you, James Russell Lowell. I'll remember that.

Anyway, we made it back to our poor sweet car today and dug him out of his snow pile enough to get home, and we're desperately trying to make up for our lost study time now. The semester ends this week, so I'm trying to write as fast as possible, but I wanted to take a quick break to post here a little bit because last night got me thinking a lot about practicing gratitude and embracing unpredictability. Both of these things are so crucial to eating disorder recovery.

Image result for yoga gratitude
Found on Yoga for Wellness

One of the things that an eating disorder promises us is control. Often, we become vulnerable to eating disorders in part because something about our lives feels out of control, and we believe that if we control every aspect of what we eat, we'll find a sense of safety and calm. Ironically, though, having an eating disorder actually means losing control to an illness. We give up our sanity, our health, and our happiness for control that we don't actually have. Isn't that scary?!

I know I make this comparison a lot, but Gollum's relationship with the One Ring in The Lord of the Rings is a really good metaphor for the relationship someone has with an eating disorder. Gollum thinks that possessing the One Ring gives him control in his life, but in reality, the One Ring is a very unhealthy fixation for him. I mean, he's willing to spend eternity hunched over in a dark cave talking to himself and cradling the ring like it's the only thing he cares about. "My precious . . . ."

When I think of my eating disorder obsessions, I try to imagine Gollum and the One Ring, and then I realize that an eating disorder--as "in control" as it may make me feel--is ultimately going to ruin my life if I don't fight it, regardless of how counter-intuitive and stressful non-disordered behaviors may seem. But every day that I don't do the hardest workout and every Friday night that I eat a bowl of Luna & Larry's on the couch with my brother is another step closer to freedom.
And as for practicing gratitude . . . my mum and I have been trying to follow some of Lesley Fightmaster and Adriene Mishler's yoga videos on YouTube, and they usually include mindfulness lessons woven in with the actually asanas themselves. A few days ago, we did a yoga video that included a quote from The 7 Book: How Many Days of the Week Can be Extraordinary? by Dan Zadra and Kobi Yamada:

30,000 mornings, give or take, is all we’re given. If you’re 26, you still have 20,000 left. If you’re 54, you still have 10,000. An accident or illness could change all that, of course. But let’s count on you to remain safe and healthy all your allotted life—in which case you still have plenty of time. Sort of.
“We get to think of life as an inexhaustible well,” wrote composer and author Paul Bowles, who lived to the ripe old age of 32,442 mornings. “Yet everything happens only a certain number of times, and a very small number, really. 
“How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, some afternoon that’s so deeply a part of your being that you can’t even conceive of your life without it? Perhaps four or five times more, perhaps not even that. How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps twenty. And yet it all seems limitless.” 
30,000 mornings. We’ll spend some of them on the treadmill, or fighting traffic, or standing in line at the Starbucks store. Just be sure to spend some of yours seeking and savoring the real beauty, mystery, and adventure of your days. This is your life, your one and only life—don’t miss a day of it.

Yesterday, I spent one of my 30,000 mornings hiking to safety in a tool shed, but my family and I didn't die in an accident, and we got to spend the evening with each other and a dear friend instead of spending it obsessing over homework. So I'm grateful for yesterday. Focus on the mornings, the evenings, the mid-days . . . see every moment as an individual piece of time that you've been granted. The freer moments are the ones when the eating disorder isn't in charge. You can do recovery and get your moments back for yourself. I believe in you.

And before I go . . .please be careful if you're in dangerous weather!

<3 <3 <3

Friday, November 23, 2018

Keeping Your Head in Recovery

Eating disorders and the holidays . . . oh, my. Between missing deceased relatives, reconnecting with loved ones, dealing with stress, and trying to balance life, love, pain, and work, holidays are fraught with ambivalence for everyone, but eating disorders add an element of anxiety that most don't understand. Whenever my brother sees a look of fear cross my face at the mention of "dessert," he becomes visibly confused. Why on Earth would anyone be afraid of dessert?

I think what's most challenging about the holidays is that they're often full of unpredictability. They also bring back many memories. I'm incredibly grateful for the fact that I have a sweet family to spend the holidays with and spent much of yesterday wishing that the world were a fairer place and that everyone had a family to be with, and I also kept remembering all the holidays I had to go away from home (personal family reasons with divorce, etc.). Being away and travelling between strangers' houses was confusing, and I was homesick and full of allergies and eventually learned to associate holiday food times with feeling lonely, icky, and awful. When these associations meet with the food guilt of an eating disorder, the results are disastrous. 

I've mentioned this here before, but one of the therapy modalities that's been the most helpful for me in recovery is yoga. This morning, the yoga sequence I was following ended with this powerful quote from Thoreau: "It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see." 

I had my least anorexic Thanksgiving in a while yesterday. I ate all my regular meals and snacks, finished the entire dinner that my mum made, and had a bigger dessert than I would've served myself (and several items included sugar *gasp*). My mum baked things that were allergy-friendly, which I am so grateful for, but despite the love I felt for her and the work that went into making everything, I  still struggled to shake the taunting squeals of Bellatrix in my head. "You ate that! You ate that! You're so unhealthy! How will you make up for it?" 

My eating disorder when she wants to guilt-trip me:
Image from Yahoo
I hate it when Bellatrix yells at me like that. Not only is eating normal, but it's also something I need to do "a lot" (what does that even mean?) of because I'm still very much in recovery, regardless of whether or not I think I am. I managed to quiet Bellatrix enough to have a happy evening, but she showed up again this morning, threatening me with anxiety and guilt. After yoga, though, I repeated Thoreau's words in my head and realized that, even if I can't make Bellatrix go away, I can do my best to change my perception. Every time Bellatrix yells at me, I'm going to stand my ground and tell her that my choices are healthy for me. "I'm being healthy." I know healthy can be a triggering word, but I want to reclaim it from our detox-obsessed culture. In eating disorder recovery, "healthy" means being whole and making choices that nourish your body instead of those that deprive it.

This holiday season, Bellatrix is not invited. Let's keep our minds in recovery.


<3 <3 <3 

Thursday, November 22, 2018

Covergirl is Cruelty-Free Now



One of the things I'm grateful for today is that more companies are becoming cruelty-free and environmentally-conscious. It's always broken my heart that the majority of our major industries--beauty, housekeeping, etc.--aren't kind to our animal friends, and when I learned this morning that Covergirl had officially been Leaping Bunny certified, I was so excited. My mum and I have been writing to makeup companies for a long time asking them to eliminate animal testing from their production processes, and Covergirl is now the biggest cruelty-free makeup brand. I hope other brands follow in their footsteps. No animal should ever have to suffer in the name of beauty.

Image result for cute bunnies
boredpanda.com 

petponder.com 




<3 <3 <3

Friday, November 16, 2018

Recovery Resources

In an effort to put something positive out into the universe, here is an image of an adorable seal cub:

Related image
Found on weheartit.com (uploaded by Paty Pegorin)

Knowing that this seal cub is out there makes everything feel a little bit better, doesn't it? (Being myself, though, I am of course now worrying about climate change and the melting ice caps . . . .)

In the spirit of yesterday's post on honesty (Satya) and asking for help in recovery, I want to share some recovery resources today. These are just a few of the articles, websites, blogs, podcasts, and videos that have helped me and motivated me in the recovery process. It's reassuring to have people to relate to and look up to in recovery . . . they can serve as reminders that, no matter how loud the inner Gollum is, recovery is not only possible but also totally worth it.

Podcasts
  • Nourishing Minds Nutrition 
    • Meg and Victoria are dietitians who focus on intuitive eating, health at every size, traditional foods, and hormone healing. They've both struggled with eating disorders, and in their podcast, they cover everything from exercise addiction to environmental sustainability. 
  • Liveng Proof
    • I found out about this podcast on the Nourishing Minds Nutrition podcast. Engrid is a personal trainer who dealt with disordered eating and exercise habits for years before discovering intuitive eating and mindful movement. Her show features episodes on the "pain body," femininity, sexual trauma, and holistic wellness, and her guests include psychoanalysts and chiropractors. 
YouTube
  • A Case of the Jills
    • Jill is a former marathoner who went through hypothalamic amenorrhea and exercise addiction, and her videos are insightful, honest, and moving. She answers questions primarily related to "detraining" and HA recovery, but for anyone who has a disordered relationship with exercise, I highly recommend her channel. 
  • Follow the Intuition
    • Elisa is the author of BrainwashED: Diet Induced Eating Disorders, and her YouTube channel features videos addressing issues about recovery from bulimia, anorexia, orthorexia, OSFED, and exercise addiction. Basically, she discusses everything, and her honesty and openness are encouraging and reassuring.
  • MegsyRecovery
    • Meg is an adorable newlywed who not only features her cute cat in her videos but also has videos from multiple stages of recovery. She answers viewer questions in each episode, and some of the episodes that helped me the most are the ones addressing "not feeling hungry" and the fear of "losing fitness." Meg also sometimes shares tips from her therapist.
Blogs and Websites
  • A Life Without Anorexia
    • Izzy now blogs at It's a Healthy Lifestyle, but her original anorexia recovery blog still has all its old posts up. She blogged throughout her recovery journey, so there are posts from every stage of recovery, which can be helpful for someone who's struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
  • Wholly Healed
    • Jess is a Certified Eating Psychology Coach who specializes in "functional endocrinology." Her posts address many of the myths propagated by the media that are hurting women's hormonal health. Reading about how chronic cardio, fasting, and calorie restriction may actually do more harm than good really opened my eyes!
  • RawRitta
    • Ritta recovered from orthorexia and exercise addiction, and her caring personality and honest videos and blog posts are encouraging and reassuring. 

There are many other helpful resources out there, but these are some of the ones I return to the most often. What blogs/sites/videos/podcasts have been helpful for you?

<3 <3 <3 




Thursday, November 15, 2018

Honesty in Eating Disorder Recovery

I love yoga very, very much, and it makes me sad that, for many years, limiting beliefs surrounding exercise prevented me from ever really embracing the practice. It wasn't a "workout" like running was, so I didn't have time for it.

Ugh. I wish I could go back and tell my runner self that running = not for me. I wish I could tell her to tune into her intuition--not the voice in her head--and practice Satya.


Image from Authentic Self Yoga

Satya is the Yama of truthfulness. It's about being honest with yourself and with those around you, and it's a crucial component of successfully combating any eating disorder. The reality of eating disorder recovery is that it's hard. It's wrapped up in confusion, false beliefs, and a cult-like devotion to the idols of "purity" and "control," and there are times when it can feel like you have no idea where you are. Are you headed in the right direction? Are you even sick? What if you're doing it wrong? Why are you thinking about food all the time? Is this normal? What if this is normal?

If you're hyper-focused on food and have to ask yourself "is this normal?" all the time, then it most likely isn't. But I understand why you're stuck. I get that way, too. I know that my ultimate goal is to be recovered, but it's so so so easy to get distracted by something else--school, life in general--and then "forget" that I'm still not recovered yet.

This is where Satya comes in. If I'm being honest with myself, I know that I still have a lot of work to do to get better because I have way too many rules. And I also know that, if I want to get better, I need help. I need guidance, oversight, accountability. Friends, the eating disorder thrives on control, but you need to give some of that control up. Find someone you love and trust and practice Satya with them. Be fully honest. Ask for help.

I've been lucky to have a really supportive, loving family this entire time, but there are areas where I notice I still try to take control. And I don't think I'm fully ready for that yet, so I'm trying to practice more Satya in my life and ask for help. It's difficult to admit that you're not 100% there, but if you ever want to get better, you need to acknowledge that something is off. What's wonderful is that when you find that person who can help you--a parent, a sibling, a friend, a therapist--they're going to see you with love. They're not going to judge you. They want the best for you, too.

Image result for hugs
From TIME

It's going to be okay.

<3 <3 <3



Monday, November 12, 2018

California and the Environment

The fires in California . . . where do I even begin with that? I watched the news footage this morning in complete disbelief. The scenes and stories are like those out of a horror movie--something apocalyptic. I'm praying for everyone there. I can't begin to understand what it would be like to experience the sort of tragedy they're going through, and I wish there were something more that I could do to help them. Today please think of everyone there--the plants, the animals, the heroes, the victims, the survivors. 

The fires should be a call to action for us to do something about climate change, too. The United Nations said we have only about twelve years left before things get out of control, and there are so many signs that something is gravely wrong with the health of the planet. Ways to help? They seem basic, I know, but they're a start:


  • Recycle and reuse anything that you can (water bottles, etc.).
  • Reduce your use of plastics.
  • Reduce consumption of meat, and when you do eat meat, purchase it from local, free-range, antibiotic-free farms. By shifting the consumer market for meat products to sustainable sources, we can reduce the power of the industries that support factory farming.
  • Turn off lights you aren't using. The same goes for the tap.
  • Take shorter showers.
  • Walk or bike when you can, and try to carpool.
  • Don't preheat your oven if you don't need to. Sometimes, you can just turn the stove on as soon as your 
  • food is ready to pop in the oven. I do this with things like sweet potato fries :).
Again, nothing listed here is all that monumental, but if we all start trying to be a little bit more conscientious of the planet's health, then maybe our actions will add up and help counterbalance the immense gravity of everything that is hurting the planet.

from katiedaisy.com


Thank you for reading this and for caring, too. 
<3 <3 <3

Friday, November 2, 2018

Prescription for Compassion

I'm not interested in whether you've stood with the great. I'm interested in whether you've sat with the broken. #quote #inspiration #quoteoftheday


I'm working on several papers at the moment, and one of them has to do with compassion, mindfulness, and the dire need for it in education (and in general life). There is so much tragedy in the news right now, and the UN's latest climate report is quite devastating, and it's all overwhelming, and I wish there were something I could do about it. But there just aren't any ruby slippers for curing the hate and pain in the world. It's got to be a process.

Found on Billboard.com

One of the fundamental elements of yoga is the idea of "ahimsa," which is the principle of nonviolence. There are different interpretations as to how to carry ahimsa into everyday life, but the essence of it (in my opinion) is compassion. Wouldn't a more compassionate world be a brighter, happier, healthier, safer place?

Compassion encourages prosocial behavior (i.e. sympathy in action), promotes well-being, and heals relationships (with ourselves and with others), but we don't give it the attention it deserves. Instead, we place the spotlight on success, independence, uniqueness, entrepreneurship, and determination. Is there anything wrong with that? No. But if success, independence, uniqueness, etc., aren't balanced out with a healthy dose of compassion, then we're just going to end up a world full of really driven people who don't care about each other enough to solve the crises we face. Scary, right?

What's great about compassion is that it can start right here and right now. By being compassionate in your daily life, you can help ease some of the burden of the "compassion deficit" that seems to plague the planet. And compassion is not only between you and those around you. Compassion for yourself is important, too . . . especially in eating disorder recovery. 

I hate to admit this, but one of my not-so-great recovery moments took place at a time when I could've chosen to meditate into the moment but instead allowed the inner demons to come in and start yelling at me. I don't like eating really late at night, but we were at an event that ran much later than expected, and we didn't end up getting home until after 9:00. So dinner at 9:30. That's not that big a deal, right? No, not at all. I'm serious about this--it. is. not. a. big. deal. But for some reason, the nasty little Gollum creature that likes to taunt me crept into my mind and started running on all my worry trails and yelling scary things. No one else could tell I was upset inside, or that I was battling an inner demon, but that didn't matter because I knew that I'd made the mistake of letting Gollum go all "my precious" about the eating hour.

What I'm hoping to get across with this post is that the eating disorder voice is the exact opposite of compassion. It is the anti-ahimsa, and it is something that we need less of in this world. Sometimes, it's easy to put up with the eating disorder voice because we're so used to having judgmental, critical thoughts about ourselves and don't feel "worthy" of self-compassion. But remember that self-compassion can help the planet because it needs more compassionate people right now. So if you can't bring yourself to practice compassion for your sake, do it for someone else's. That's helped me. I try to picture someone I really love and then ask myself how I would want them to treat themselves. Would I want them to get all freaked out inside about when they ate? Or would I want them to just breathe, relax, and let go?  


Found on Pinterest.com (Elephant image at top = also from Pinterest.com)

<3
 

Thursday, November 1, 2018

Re-framing "Just Do It" for Eating Disorder Recovery

Just Do It. That's the trademark phrase we see plastered across images of sweat-drenched athletes and exercisers all over the world. And while there's nothing at all wrong with that--yay for sports and sneakers--the whole idea of "just do it" becomes insidious when seen through the lens of an eating disorder. In the throes of anorexia, exercise addiction, etc., "just do it" can be a motivator to push harder, faster, strong, longer.

I used to see "just do it" as a justification for my compulsive movement and restrictive eating, and even today it makes me feel a bit inadequate. I mean, here I am, trying to relax more and eat more while there are all these Nike models out there who are boxing and dieting and sweating.

I love yoga and have found so much relief and flexibility in it--far more than I ever found in excessive running and HIIT--but it doesn't make me as exhausted or intense as anyone in a sports advertisement ever looks. And because society has come to praise the HIIT-doing, weightlifting, super-fit people we see in magazines and on TV, I've been brainwashed into thinking that I need to be exhausted and/or adrenaline-buzzed after a workout or else it "doesn't count." Newsflash: stop doing things that make you feel totally drained or that increase your anxiety. If your workout is making you more stressed or is messing with your hormones, it isn't working for you. As I've written here before, some of us do well on running, others of us do well on more low-intensity things, and some of us don't "do" any sort of formal exercise at all. Movement is dependent on the individual, so let's stop comparing ourselves to the advertisements, take a collective deep breath, and just "be" in our bodies. Being in your body is much more fulfilling than being in control of your body.

I found this on Google Images, and it's not mine, but it's adorable!

But back to "just do it." What I've realized recently is that "just do it" can actually be used very effectively as a motivator to get better. After all, isn't the whole purpose of "just do it" to motivate people to become healthier versions of themselves?  Just as with exercise, health is subjective, and getting healthy isn't limited to adding a gym membership and picking up a calorie-tracking app. For people getting over anorexia or trying to fix a hormonal imbalance related to stress and restriction, getting healthy often means eating more food (even if that's counter-intuitive sometimes) and reducing compulsive movement behaviors. Earlier today, while debating whether or not to eat a more substantial morning snack than I'm usually comfortable with, I told myself that I would allot five seconds to worrying/trying to convince myself I didn't need to eat "extra." After five seconds, I told myself, "Just do it." I ate the snack, it was good, and it was over.

Recovery. It's what's healthy for your body.

Just do it.

<3 <3 <3


Tuesday, October 23, 2018

Stop Being Scared of Recovery

It's so much easier to be scared in eating disorder recovery than it is to be brave. The entire process--entering the unknown, shedding an "identity" (however false it may be), doing everything that's counter-intuitive, willingly getting uncomfortable--is quite frightening from the outside. Is it worth it? What if, what if, what if . . . ?

As someone who's not even done recovering yet, I'm right there with you with the fear and angst. But there comes a moment when you realize you don't really have a choice anymore. I can either let my eating disorder control me and my life and steal my health and youth, or I can take action. That's the key: taking action. Being brave. DOING recovery instead of just giving it lip service.



Here's the good news, though: recovery does not have to suck. Yes, you read that correctly. This whole ordeal doesn't necessarily need to be the "ugh" that we've made it out to be. Find ways to enjoy recovery so that it's sustainable and loving instead of forced and unpleasant! I, for instance, have discovered the joy in yoga and am learning to see it as something beyond a "form of exercise." Thinking in terms of "exercise" is detrimental to my mental health (and therefore to my physical health), so I keep reminding myself that yoga is an ancient and all-encompassing life practice and that the asanas are fun and flowy and that I don't "have" to do any specific routine to "do yoga." 

Speaking of which . . . . 




I've also found recipes that make nourishment more appealing. For a long time, I've avoided so many of these recipes I'm going to make now because I was afraid they had too many calories. Even when I wasn't trying to be afraid, I unconsciously tallied calories up in my head. Two dates in that shake? That's too much

But what's the freaking point of doing that anymore? When my blood sugar gets too low, I get angsty, moody, irritable, and actually begin to fear food more than when I've just eaten. Earlier today, when my blood sugar wasn't too low for me to think properly, I saw a banana-date shake recipe online and decided that it looked really yummy and would be a fun snack for the afternoon. Immediately, a little voice popped into my head and said, "But your normal snack is much smaller!" On any other day, I would've given into this voice, but today I told the voice to shut up. I remembered what I'd learned in yoga--that our perception determines our reality and that we can control our reactions--and I decided that I was going to make myself a banana-date smoothie with all the nut butter and protein powder I wanted to add to it just because I could. And I did. And it was awesome. I was "doing recovery," and it didn't involve any sweat or pain. It was fun. It tasted like bananas!

<3 

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

Mental Health Day and Positive Thinking in Recovery

In eating disorder recovery, it's often difficult to tell the difference between what's healthy (i.e. pro-recovery) and what isn't. The eating disorder voice is a brilliant trickster that enjoys manipulating us and convincing us to sabotage ourselves, but we have to train ourselves to stop listening to its lies. This is the "work" of recovery--the active, involved part of it that makes it an ongoing process as opposed to a simple overnight fix. Sadly, we can't simply say, "I choose recovery" and expect to be cured. Actions truly speak louder than words when it comes to moving past an eating disorder.

I'm struggling with this today because hunger signals continue to confuse me. I acknowledge that I'm supposed to eat more in order to heal, but there's a very strong force inside me that is resisting the "extra food" because I don't always feel like I need it or want it. Why eat when I'm full? Why eat when I think my body is fine as it is?

Friends, these are the sorts of thoughts that hold us back. Recovery is about getting uncomfortable and going against the beliefs that we've been obeying for so long. If I could really trust my hunger signals and thoughts about food, then I wouldn't still be dealing with the long-term effects of restrictive eating and overexercise. And for anyone with a history of food restriction or overexercise, going against what's feels "right" is imperative. So, even if we don't want to eat that morning snack or add that extra scoop of almond butter, we've got to do it. It's the healthy choice, and any time we choose to restrict or stagnate, we're not choosing recovery.

Something that's been helpful to me lately has been repeating a mantra to myself about how I would like my life to be "after recovery." I believe in prayer and the power of positive thinking, and I recently watched a video by Elisa Oras about using the Law of Attraction to facilitate eating disorder recovery. Instead of focusing on all the discomfort and all the negatives of recovery, focus on how you'd like to feel when you're fully recovered. What's your life like? What's your relationship with your body like? Recovery is your opportunity to take your life back. Obviously, recovering won't magically "fix" everything in your reality, but wouldn't a life without obsessive food thoughts and body hatred be really nice?



Positive thinking can be difficult at first, but it's been scientifically proven to have benefits for your mental and physical well-being. When you're eating something that makes you uncomfortable, don't put too much energy into thinking about how your stomach feels/how nervous you are/etc. Instead, think, "I'm healthy. I'm strong. I'm beautiful. I'm kind. I'm free. I'm flexible." Those sorts of affirmations (even if you don't believe them at first) can not only help you to manifest a better relationship with yourself and with food but can also help engage your parasympathetic nervous system. And when your parasympathetic nervous system is engaged, your body relaxes and your digestion improves! Yay, fewer stomach complaints!

I know it's challenging to focus on gratitude and positive thoughts in recovery, and I totally recognize that positive thinking isn't always a simple choice. There are a whole lot of factors at play--hormones, neurotransmitters, etc. But even if you're struggling, at least try to commit to yourself today to make pro-recovery choices. Do it in honor of Mental Health Day. I believe in you.

<3 <3 <3


Friday, October 5, 2018

We Need Compassion in Recovery and in Life

Before I get into this post, I want to address just how devastating the news out of Indonesia is. The footage of homes washing away and mothers weeping over photos of their missing children have been on my mind all week, and I keep wishing that I could rewind time and undo all the horror. The only comfort I've found is in the words of Mr. Rogers: 

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.'"
When airplanes were trying to land during the tsunami, a 21 year-old air traffic controller stayed at work long enough to make sure that they landed safely and then lost his life as the waves crashed into and destroyed the control tower. And throughout the rest of Indonesia, everyday heroes are saving family members, neighbors, and strangers in the wake of unconscionable tragedy. These are the helpers Mr. Rogers was talking about. They're the ones who are here to remind us that there is still good in the world and that we have absolutely no excuse not to contribute to it.

Compassion is consideration and sympathy for pain and suffering, and it is free of judgement, hate, and criticism. It's the antithesis of an eating disorder because it emphasizes love an attunement, not disconnect and hate.

From Quotesgram

A friend dealing working on through own recovery process recently shared that her "teen-hood" will be ending soon and that she spent the majority of it with disordered eating behaviors. 
"Disordered thoughts weren't on my mind all the time, and I'm grateful to have had the adolescence I did. But, admittedly, every year was marked by some sort of disordered eating issue. Restriction, fear, overexercise . . . ."
That part about the thoughts not being on her mind "all the time" is significant to me because, for many people recovering from eating disorders, it can be easy to forget that the disordered mindset is abnormal and needs constant work. Obviously, it's good if you've found things in life to focus on that aren't body-related, but if you're happy or distracted until some food fear triggers you, then you've got more work to do and can't afford to stagnate in quasi-recovery. The tricky thing is that you actually have to work on recovering. Ugh, work, I know. Why can't we just decide one day to be recovered and then move on? Why do we have to consciously face change and uncertainty? Why can't it be easy?!

Every meal plan increase, exercise cut, or unplanned meal brings a chaotic cascade of discomfort, but that discomfort is just a reminder that the eating disorder isn't totally defeated yet. It may take a long time to go away completely, but until then our job is to be stronger than it is, even if that means consciously, actively choosing to combat it every day.  Just remember to focus on compassion, Mr. Rogers, and the fact that recovery is an active process.

Recovery is an opportunity to be your own hero, and then from there, you can be a hero for others, too.

<3


Thursday, September 20, 2018

Letting Go is Courageous

A new month is almost over. And then it will be October. That has to mean something, right? I don't know. Maybe I should ask the cats.

What are your plans? What are you gripping onto? I often realize that whatever I'm clutching correlates with what I'm afraid of. If it's in my hand and I'm refusing to let go of it, chances are that I'm afraid of what will happen when I release. "Letting go" is an idea that's developed a negative connotation around it. We associate it with giving up and becoming weak. When we let go, we're undisciplined, lost, unmotivated.

Or are we?

When I let go of running, I was afraid. There was pitta-vata imbalance written all over me, and the more I fed into the frustration and fear inside me, the worse I felt. Speed and force can help us numb out of things, but as soon as the "high" of adrenaline subsides, the worry and fear and grasping creep back in. Tools like over-exercising, restricting, etc., are not long-term helpers for us when we're dealing with stress or anxiety. They're unsustainable and put our bodies in a constant state of sympathetic nervous system overload.

Having people that love you enough to call you out when you're going into SNS overload (pushing, resisting, and fighting mode) is a blessing. I'm so grateful to my loved ones for helping me see that moving faster and faster isn't going to make me feel better, and it breaks my heart that there are people all over the world who are going through destruction alone. We need to help spread the message that, in some cases, letting go isn't bad. It's not weakness!

Letting go is strength. It's courage. It's something we have to practice every day.

Our inner demons have all sorts of names. Anorexia. Perfectionism. Workaholism. Internet addiction. These insidious forces overtake us during a period of vulnerability in our lives, and before we know it, we're afraid of everything, most of all ourselves.

Image found on Sue Atkins

Marianne's got it. We're terrified of letting go because, somewhere within ourselves, we know that we CAN let go. It may not be cut-and-dry or simple, but it's possible. When people are overexercising, for instance, it may scare them to know that they have the power let the alarm go off a bit late and skip running. They have the power to do yoga instead, or sleep in, or read . . . .

In order to access our "power," we need to have faith that things are going to be okay. I'll admit that I'm definitely not the full-of-faith, let-it-be person that I'd like to be, but the point of writing this is to say that it's okay to let go of inner demons and let faith in. Let love in.

<3 <3 <3

Friday, August 31, 2018

Recipes for Self-Love and Recovery

My grandmother passed on the August that I began third grade. It's difficult to believe it's already been eleven years since then, but it has.

My grandmother helped raise me. She helped me learn to read, and she was the one who first introduced me to Eckhart Tolle and Louise Hay. I didn't know how sick she was until I got into elementary school. That's when I learned from her and my mum about lupus and autoimmune diseases.
Louise Hay


My grandmum's chronic stress and chronic illnesses eventually caught up to her. She was 58 when she had a heart attack and stroke within two days of each other. We watched her pass on, and then we cremated her and put her ashes in a little biodegradable box with flowers on it.

One of my favorite photos of my grandmum is one in which we're baking a pie together. I was three and of course had pumpkin puree all over my face, and she was standing across from me smiling, with her red hair tied up in a scrunchie and a dishtowel draped over her shoulder. I've been thinking of that photo a lot lately. My grandmum was amazing at inventing recipes that met vegetarian and food sensitivity needs. I remember having her pumpkin bread at Christmas and tasting the maple syrup off the mixing spoon and never feeling "bad" or "sick." When I traveled away to visit people, my sensitivities would flare up and cause skin rashes and stomach aches, but at home, I always felt good after eating. Here's to being five again!

Somewhere along the line, a combination of stress and peer pressure and homesickness made me decide that whatever physical issues I had--acne, etc.--could be cured by drastically restricting my food intake. Brilliant plan, right? #fail

All bodies are different, and our bodies are always changing. I have issues with mold and dust, and my skin does not tolerate dairy and gluten very well. Some of us do brilliantly on dairy and gluten, though. My brother loves mozzarella and goat cheese, for instance, and he can tolerate dust much more than I can, but he is seriously allergic to carrots. The reason everyone eats so differently is that we all have unique needs. In Ayurveda, the uniqueness of every individual person is emphasized. I know people who love meat proteins (if you do buy meat, please try to find as humane a provider as possible to #supportmamaearth). Meanwhile. I love almond butter on rice and sweet potatoes and bananas. Fats + Carbs = YAY.

Where am I going with this, though? Right, food restriction . . . .

Basically, I started counting calories and labeling foods a few years ago, and before I knew it, I was in a sad, isolated world. A world without pumpkin bread because I didn't know its "caloric value." Let's quit the "calories in, calories out" gig already, okay? It isn't helping us. The other day, I saw a quote from Vanessa Palencia: "Y'all saying we need to count our calories/macros, but I think Mother Nature would have carved nutrition facts into tree trunks if that were the case."

Isn't that brilliant? Mother Nature did not put nutrition fact labels on trees, or on rocks, or even in our instincts, so why do we idolize them? Why have I idolized them?

I took a break from cleaning, studying, and lesson-planning (#tutorlife) to do some baking for my family and neighbors. I made oatmeal muffins and then went to make myself some muffins, and without even realizing it, I'd added several cups of rice flour to a mixing bowl but wasn't really "measuring" anything. In the very recent past, I've been subject to this need to know exactly how much is going into the batter mix so that I don't "mess up" (translation: add too much/more than usual), but all that meticulous measuring really takes the joy out of baking. Yes, it's good to have a general idea of cups, tablespoons, etc., so that you can put a recipe together, but baking isn't an AP Chem lab, and it shouldn't be treated like one. It should be treated like a fun, relaxing, love-filled activity . . . just like it was when my grandmum and I were making pies together!

When we're eating compassionately and cooking compassionately, our bodies are magically able to keep themselves working well. Love food, love your body, love others. And if you need a little help getting started, I'm sharing a fun oatmeal muffin recipe that I make for my grandfather every week :). These muffins are gluten-free and vegan-friendly, and the only sweetener is maple syrup. They will give you a healthy dose of fiber and protein thanks to the oats, and they'll keep you feeling warmed, nourished, and happy.


Papa's Oatmeal Muffins (GF/Vegan-friendly)

Makes approx. 14 muffins

Dry Ingredients
1 1/3 cups oat flour
3 cups rolled oats
2 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp ginger
1 tsp cardamon
Pinch baking powder
1 cup raisins

Wet Ingredients
1/4 cup maple syrup
1/3 cup walnut oil (or other oil if nut-sensitive)
1/2 cup water
1 1/2 cups apple puree/apple sauce
Drop of vanilla extract

Directions

  1. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees (F).
  2. In a bowl, mix together dry ingredients thoroughly. Have fun and add extra raisins if you love chewiness!
  3. In another bowl, mix together wet ingredients. 
  4. Stir wet ingredients into dry ingredients until a thick, sticky batter forms.
  5. Using a big spoon, ladle the batter into a muffin tin. (You can oil the tin with coconut oil or another kind of oil to prevent sticking or use muffin tin liners. My favorite tin liners are by If You Care, and they're biodegradable and bleach-free.)
  6. Carefully put muffin tins into the preheated oven and bake for 20 minutes, or until a fork comes out clean. Remember to remove the muffin tin with a mitt on so you don't burn yourself!
  7. Yay, muffins!


<3 <3 <3



Monday, August 27, 2018

No More Body Judgement

I've been wanting to write something here, but now that classes have started again, all my writing time is dedicated to essays, responses, and tests. I'm grateful that this morning I'm getting to sneak some non-academic writing before going back to work.

Today's post is about nourishment and gratitude, and while I know these are sort of "buzzwords" right now, I really hope that you take them to heart. I recently discovered Thrive Through Yoga by Nicola Jane Hobbs, and going through the daily exercises (which include a meditation and a yoga practice) has been helping me to see life through a softer lens. Nicola refers to OCD and eating disorders as "cosy little hell[s]." Such a description couldn't be more accurate! I've talked about the "little hate hole" before, and a "cosy little hell" is very similar: both are easy places to get stuck in, and they seem familiar, but they're insidiously sucking the "you" out of your life.

Compassion--for yourself and for the world around you--is emphasized by Thrive Through Yoga (and by yoga in general), and remembering compassion has aided me in breaking free from negative thinking loops. The fact of the matter is that we're surrounded by stimuli that have the potential to make us feel badly. Opening a magazine, for instance, can trigger thoughts of comparison, low self-esteem, and self-criticism. I love Free People's bohemian aesthetic, but I have to admit that sometimes their ads make me start worrying about how I look. I'm glad that brands like Aerie are starting to take more of an inclusive approach to advertising, and I really like the #AerieReal campaign because it features a more diverse range of models. When we're exposed to a beauty spectrum as opposed to a beauty ideal, we aren't as hard on ourselves, and we recognize that all bodies are unique and special and valuable.

Image result for all bodies are beautiful
Found on Soon to be RD
A major roadblock in eating disorder recovery is body judgement. Allowing our bodies to be their healthiest selves is essential to recovery, but we've been living by a list of rules for so long that proper nourishment and relaxation feel "unnatural." When we eat enough and finally release the need to "work everything off," we may experience anxiety and worry. What will happen to us if we eat "normally"? How will we survive without creating a deficit? There are so many hypothetical catastrophes in our heads that we're tempted to give up on recovery and return to the familiarity of disordered eating and overexercising.

PLEASE, do not give into that temptation! Forgive yourself if you relapse or consider relapsing, but remember that the ultimate goal is to be healthy, not to look x way or weigh y amount. There isn't a "wrong way" to have a body. 

<3 

Saturday, August 18, 2018

Acne and Other Insecurities

Since middle school, I've struggled a lot with acne, scarring, and generally sensitive skin. I'm not quite sure whether my skin is "dry" or "oily" since it seems to vacillate between both states quite regularly, sometimes being both simultaneously! My hands and elbows, for instance, tend to be very dry and cracked, but on my face I have issues with clogged pores and frequent breakouts. Our skin is our largest organ, and for me, it's the first to react to allergens, stress, or lack of sleep. If I'm really worried about work or school, I'll wake up in the morning with a lovely red mark on my cheek or forehead. It's like a little reminder that I need to chill out.

While my skin has improved significantly over the years, I still have scars, and whenever I get a breakout, it not only hurts physically but also causes me a lot of insecurity. I look in the mirror and feel ugh because my nose is red and my face has puffed up around acne spots. 

From The Care and Keeping of You, a book my mum got me in middle school 

When I was thirteen and my acne was at its worst, a younger relative walked up to me and suggested that I "wash my face." Though this child meant well, their advice wasn't incredibly helpful because I already did wash my face. I washed it, I slathered creams and masks on it, I covered it in burning ointments, and I did my best to avoid things that aggravated it (dairy, lemon rinds, gluten, dust, and mold*). I also wore concealers and powders to make my acne less noticeable. 

Long story short: I put a lot more effort into my skin than most of my peers did, yet many of them had clearer skin than I did, and when my relative told me that I needed to "wash my face," he was basically suggesting that my acne was entirely in my control. It wasn't, it isn't, and it never will be.

I'm not writing this to complain about my skin woes or anything like that . . . I'm writing it to point out a major flaw in how we perceive others. Because of all the products, diets, programs, and remedies that we see in ads, we've come to believe that appearance is pretty much entirely dependent on how "hard" we work and how much "effort" we put in. There's this myth that if I follow a celebrity's diet and fitness plan, I'll wake up looking just like her one day, but the truth is that I will never have Taylor Swift's long legs no matter how many leg lifts I do.  I'm 5'2". She's 5'10".

Yes, lifestyle can have an impact on health. Exposure to toxic chemicals, antibiotic-laden meat, and major pesticides isn't "good" for any creature, human or otherwise. Getting some sort of fun, joyful activity--whether that's walking with your kids or dancing to 1980's pop music--benefits your mood and fitness. Washing your face helps keep it clean. By all means, treat your body respectfully.

But don't get caught up in the lie that appearance is a direct product of effort. The shapes of our bodies, whether or not we get acne or cellulite, and how symmetrical our faces are don't fall under the realm of our control. We're born who we are. It's not our responsibility to become Cindy Crawford.

<3 <3 <3 


*Please note that these are what cause me breakouts. Everyone has different sensitivities, and products with dairy and gluten can have amazing health benefits for some people! Don't fear food. Learn what works for your body!

Thursday, August 16, 2018

Eating Without Fear

Today I made the conscious decision to eat without fear. If the goal of food is nourishment, energy, and joy, then eating with fear and anxiety is definitely not the way to go. If you're trying not to restrict, remember that goodness is what matters, not calories. I like having muffins and fruit and almond butter at lunch, but today I got motivated to make a mango mousse out of the Deliciously Ella cookbook my mum got me. I normally either wouldn't have made the mousse or would've had it instead of my regular lunch, but instead, I added it to my regular lunch and ate it excitedly. I didn't think, "Oh, I'm eating 'more' than usual" because a) every day is different and b) it's what I wanted! And guess what? I felt fine afterwards! There have been days when I've eaten less at lunch than I usually do and actually have ended up feeling worse and more uncomfortable/lethargic/etc. than I would've had I eaten normally (or "more" than normally).

Image result for mango mousse deliciously ella
From Deliciously Ella

When you're getting over a restrictive eating disorder, you've got all these thoughts in your head telling you what you should be eating and how much you should be eating and when you should be eating and how you should be eating. Tell those thoughts to BUG OFF and go put some mousse on your muffins.

<3 <3 <3


Anxiety, Body Image, and Other Lovely Reasons to Just Chill Already

The challenge of maintaining a work-school-life balance returns as soon as the alarm goes off on Monday morning.
Image result for late for work gif
From Giphy (OMG, so adorable!)

The imminence of our brief "holiday" (i.e. work from home) time ending is a bit anxiety-provoking, but yesterday at Mass, I realized that gratitude is so much more convenient, beneficial, and compassionate than fear and worry are. I'm incredibly grateful to have an education, jobs, and a place to come home to at night, and when I choose to focus on this instead of on all the things I could be panicking about, the jigsaw pieces of life fit together much more easily than they do when my thoughts are scattered and freaked out.

Giphy

Of course, it's much easier to just sit here and write about mindfulness than it is to actually put mindfulness into practice. We don't just wake up one day feeling all zen and Yoda-like (just ask Luke Skywalker about that!). Sometimes, anxiety sweeps in and decides to take over everything. This morning, for instance, I found my mind drowning in overwhelm. I couldn't focus on anything, and my thoughts were going way too quickly for me to keep up with them. I wanted so badly to slow down but at the same time felt that I had to go faster and faster. Ugh, right?

One of the great things about science is that, at times like these, we can use it to understand what's going on in our bodies. The spike in cortisol and adrenaline that accompanies panicked, distressed feelings produces certain physiological reactions: shallow breathing, shaking, sweating, etc. Anyone who's ever heard a yoga instructor before knows that the breath plays a major role in regulating how we feel at any given time, and we can harness the breath to our advantage by focusing on deep inhales and long, relaxing exhales. Yoga, tai chi, qigong, and meditation are wonderful practices for building awareness and contentment because of their incorporation of mindful breathing. By linking breaths to different postures, a yoga "flow" encourages us to stop paying attention to whatever is going on in our head (body-bashing, self-criticism, fear, etc.) and instead pay attention to our inhale/exhale patterns. As we calm down, our breaths become fuller and deeper, and we experience a sort of "lightness" in our bodies that is only accessible via the one-and-only parasympathetic nervous system.

Breathing--that amazing function that so many of us take for granted--keeps us alive. It nourishes us with oxygen and gives us a vehicle through which to expel negative energy, but when we're caught up in anxiety, we let the bad feelings fester and don't allow the breath to help us. When I looked in the mirror the other day and decided I didn't like what I saw because x wasn't flat enough and my hair wasn't y enough, my breath became shallow, and negativity built up inside me. I started thinking about all the things I needed to do . . . restrict, add cardio, etc., etc., etc. Did any of those thoughts help me? NO. They suffocated me--physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Don't let your thoughts suffocate you, loves. Remember that you aren't a body. "You're a soul. You have a body." 

And nourish that soul--nourish yourself--with sincere, healing breaths. 


Related image
Art by Michelle Eshleman

<3 <3 <3



Sunday, August 12, 2018

Empowered, Not "In Control"

It's Sunday, loves! Mars goes into retrograde this week, there are wildfires, and every time I check the news for something positive, I'm left with a fearful feeling deep in the pit of my stomach. Thank goodness for cute animals . . . I don't know what we'd do without the inspiration and encouragement that comes from stories like these:

"Squirrel Keeps Visiting Her Human Mom After Her Release" 
(The Dodo Soulmates)


"Elephant Mom Crying for Help Leads Rescuers 
to Her Trapped Baby" (The Dodo)

And here's the tarantula that Nicole Kidman rescued from a swimming pool:



I hope these little animal news updates brought some sunshine to you today. We're so often caught up in what's going on in the human world that we tend to forget about the nature that's happening all around us, but whenever we take a step out of our own lives and remember Mother Earth and her creatures, breathing becomes just a bit easier. I know I can't speak for everyone, but for me, remembering that I'm just one person on a pale blue sphere in the middle of an ever-expanding universe is comforting. It makes the worries and intrusive thoughts less powerful.

Taking power away from our anxieties and preoccupations is the best way to fuel a positive, proactive power within ourselves. At times it may seem that having control over everything is the key to comfort and confidence, but control isn't sustainable. I mean, think about it: we live in this massive universe, and it's still getting bigger, yet we've become convinced that we can control what happens in it.

Source: NASA
From NASA
Us: "We can control everything! We need to predict and control everything in order to be safe!"
The Universe: "LOL."
Releasing our worried obsessiveness over control is way more empowering than a false sense of control ever will be. In the same way, making love-based choices is way more empowering than making fear-based choices. 

A friend of mine recently shared her story of finding the joy of meditation, a practice that she used to despise. "My mind raced so quickly that I thought meditation was a waste of time," she told me, "but then when I started slowing down on purpose, I realized that I felt so much better than I did when I was pushing myself to go faster." She found that calmness was more empowering than aggression, and she realized that if she could learn to love meditation, she could learn to love herself, too.

When we make love-based choices, we're nourishing ourselves, giving back, holding space, and living a life that's colorful and compassionate. When we make fear-based choices, we're starving, holding our breath, running away, and living in a box. 
Image result for box
BOXES! Great for shipping. Not for living.

<3 <3 <3 




Thursday, August 9, 2018

Authenticity and Being Imperfect

"Authentic" has become a bit of a buzzword recently, but I think that we may be using it incorrectly. I mean, it almost seems that authenticity is now just another type of perfection--another standard for us to live up to. "Be your authentic self" has turned into a goal that we need to "strive for," but true authenticity doesn't require that much striving. When we're really authentic, we're not trying to seem authentic or act authentic because authenticity isn't acting.

One of the biggest blocks to authenticity is this idea that we need to be "perfect." How do I look? What does ___ think of my outfit? Is __ right?  All of these thoughts and worries just create anxiety and pull us from the moment. How can we ever be fully present when we're busy thinking about our posture or skin or hair?

What's awesome is that none of us have to be perfect. We're not meant to be. We're meant to be loving and compassionate and caring, sure, but perfect? Perfect isn't possible, and when we just accept that and act like our normal selves, our relationships and experiences with others are much more meaningful for both us and those we are with. Isn't it more fun to be with your friends when they're being themselves than it is when they're trying to act like someone else? 

Let's drop the pressure to be perfect. Just let it fall to the floor like baggage you don't need anymore.

Gilmore Girls GIF from HerCampus

When we stop trying to be perfect and start focusing on being authentic, sincere, and kind, we can participate in life more fully. Treat yourself like you'd treat your friends, remember that sincerity is adorable, and make the most of today. 

Never Been Kissed GIF from Popsugar


<3 <3 <3 

Wednesday, August 8, 2018

How Thoughts Influence the Body

We're thinking of our bodies all wrong, friends. They're not meant to be measured, valued, or judged based on how they appear and what they can do, and when we critique and analyze every inch of ourselves, we're putting a wall up between ourselves and happiness. 


Science is now showing that our thoughts actually wield pretty significant influence over our bodies.  Thinking positive obviously isn't going to cure or solve everything, but each thought has energy capable of programming cells and neural networks. When we're thinking negative thoughts, for instance, certain neuropeptides are released, and these neuropeptides alter cells and create the reactions that go with our negative thinking. The more often our cells are exposed to negative neuropeptides, the fewer receptors ours cells will have for positive neuropeptides. In other words, our cells will be primed to be in a sad/angry/upset/stressed state. Oh, no!

But the good news here is this: if we consciously try to change our thinking patterns and catch ourselves when we fall into negative spirals, we can reverse the cascade of negative neuropeptides and start reinforcing positive neuropeptides that associate with happy receptors. Yay! 

Every cell in your body is replaced about every two months. So, the good news is, you can reprogram your pessimistic cells to be more optimistic by adopting positive thinking practices, like mindfulness and gratitude, for permanent results.  
-Debbie Hampton, "How Your Thoughts Change Your Brain, Cells and Genes"

 Try to harness the power of mindfulness and positive thinking in your recovery. Instead of thinking, "I ate that, and now I'm going to feel awful," think, "I'm nourishing my body to be the healthiest, strongest version of itself, and I know my body better than any diet plan does."

Take time to slow down and breathe, too. I find that when I'm trying to go fastfastfast to avoid "feeling" something, I often end up feeling much worse than I would have had I chosen to just sit with whatever I was going through and work through it calmly.

<3 <3 <3

Monday, August 6, 2018

A Life Way Beyond Your Eating Disorder

Sunday, loves. We have lots of work today, but there are birds outside, and their sweet little voices make everything easier. This video of a kitty who thinks she's a husky helps, too:


SO ADORABLE.

Last week, I walked into a gym for the first time in a long time and then left because the mini trampoline was already taken. It was amazing to just leave without feeling guilty, and while I'll admit that I'm not 100% "easy-breezy" yet, I am definitely in a much better place than I was when I ran every single day. As I've said before, running can be wonderful and awesome for some of us, but we're all different, and we need different things at different times in our lives. Right now, running is not ideal for me, and if you're also in recovery, it may not be ideal for you, either. It takes a lot of energy and endurance to push yourself fast and far, and, like it or not, recovery is a time of restoration, not exertion.

I know, I know . . . "restoration" and "recovery" don't sound fun, do they? They're not glamorous or exciting. They aren't the big neon words printed on the cover of Shape magazine, and they definitely aren't sewn onto a gym tote bag. And there definitely isn't as much "recoveryspo" as there is fitspo! But, before you fall into a little hate hole and start getting angry at the world and at everyone in your life who is encouraging you to let go of your eating disorder, remember that true health is not about a size or a macro count or a diet plan. True health is about treating your body and mind respectfully so that you can be fully present in your life and actually do something meaningful with it.

Image from Mad Kitty Media

Releasing the guilt and anxiety complexes around diet, fitness, and beauty is liberating, isn't it? When "health" is characterized by treating yourself with the respect and compassion needed to live life presently and fully, then it seems so much more achievable than it does when it's characterized by strict rules and routines.  As soon as you release the inelastic and unloving beliefs that your eating disorder pushes on you, your whole life opens up. You reconnect with yourself, with your spirit, and with your body.

<3 <3 <3