I watch the empty boxes in my calendar fill up more and more every day, and I have a new appreciation for the quiet moments in between this and that. I know I still resist pause and stillness, but I'm realizing more now just how important it is to step back and take a deep breath and then act form a place of intention instead of just dropping into the spiral and letting it take you away. Move with life, not against it, and draw your energy from compassion and gratitude and thoughtfulness, not stress and anxiety. This is a practice I am definitely a beginner in.
My grandmum's Pema Chodron and Louise Hay books seem particularly relevant now, and I keep wishing that my grandmum hadn't died so young. I thought fifty-eight was old when I was little, but now I realize that she should've been around longer than that. Ghosting immunological diseases and a heart that felt too deeply pushed her too far, too fast, and I'm grateful for every day she woke up and hid arthritis and inflammation behind a smile and pretended she was okay. I have to think of her every time I feel scared or uncertain or resistant and remind myself that there is so much to be grateful for and that, if I really want to do something good in the world, I need to step out of my spiral.
It's very easy to get caught in the drama and energy and push of the moment. We spend so much time staring into the addictive blue light of our screens that the world can at time seem to be made up entirely of what's online and what's glorified by our society as "admirable" and "worthy." Just this morning I read Zan Romanoff's article on the culture of fitness:
The deification of “better, harder, faster, more” can also be damaging to so-called “healthy” bodies, ones which are relatively fit and free of injury. The fetishization of never-ending accomplishment, which thrives by one-upping itself, can create a perpetually striving mindset that’s very good for selling class packages, but very bad for finding any kind of actual mental peace. And so the same drive that brings someone into an exercise class, and keeps them attending even when they’re tired and it’s tough, can become a liability when the challenge facing them is that they need to take a week off.
It's great to appreciate your physical self and want to take care of it, but Romanoff's article brings up a good point: our modern, Western culture has developed a fitness class obsession. SoulCycle. Barry's Bootcamp. CrossFit. When taken too far, fitness can become dogmatic. Doctrinal.
If you're not pushing yourself, you're not trying hard enough.
If you don't hurt, it doesn't count.
If you're not ___, you're nothing.
But why do we think this way? Movement is part of a healthy lifestyle, sure, but it's not the be-all, end-all, and it's not as complicated as we make it out to be. Fitness classes are a luxury, and everyone's "healthiest version of themself" is different. Some people are sick. Some people are in pain. Some people have dealt with an unhealthy relationship with exertion. The bottom line is that movement should be for mental health and physical refreshment, not to achieve some sort of media-hyped body goal or to fuel an obsession. Prioritize compassion, love, and a positive mindset. Let the rest unfold.
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