Limiting Beliefs and Our Bodies

Happy Friday! I'm sending happy thoughts for everyone from the world of midterms. I'm grateful to be feeling much better today than I was earlier this week, but now that the fatigue of the flu is gone, my anxiety is beginning to ramp up a bit. Anxiety likes to take whatever energy we have and channel it into running through worry trails. My worry trails include thoughts like:

"Move more!"
"Wait--what's in that? Is that too much?!"
"Plan. Plan. Plan."
"You need to earn your food!"
"How many calories is that? Is it too many?"
"Should you have x if you're planning on having y later? Both are fruits. Fruits have sugar!"

UGH.

I wish that I could say that I were far enough on my own recovery journey to have released these thoughts, but the truth is that I'm not. Yoga has been immensely helpful for me in terms of learning to work with my body as opposed to against it, and I recently began using EFT tapping to deal with moments of acute anxiety. (I'll write more about EFT later--it's really cool and wonderful!)

But I still have some limiting beliefs surrounding food and movement. A major issue lately has been my belief that I need to "earn" my food through movement (i.e. lots of walking, standing, etc.). The idea that you need to burn x calories in order to be "allowed" to eat something is pretty ridiculous, but it's one of the diet culture myths that has been the hardest for me to separate myself from.

empoweredeatingrd.com

I was raised in a home where I was fortunate enough to have access to a variety of nourishing foods that came from sustainable sources. I enjoyed Nanny's homemade almond butter bars and scrambled eggs and feta without hesitation, and making apple crisp or gluten-free brownies (family with Celiac) was a highlight of every Friday night. Helping mum make Thanksgiving dinner never freaked me out, and the few weekends we splurged by getting Whole Foods hot bar takeout were so exciting because they had yummy chicken and salad and OMG gluten-free cookies!

I was a healthy child. I knew I got a rash when I ate dairy or gluten and that certain chemicals made me feel bad, but I didn't have to analyze these reactions or "label" my diet as "plant-based" or anything else. I ate things that made my body feel cared for without having to think about it too much, I played outside, I sometimes did yoga with my mum, and I read a lot. 

Something I didn't read? Calories. Sure, I'd look sometimes to see if an ingredient list had a food sensitivity in it, and I avoided things that came from factory farms, but I never looked at calories or serving sizes and used those numbers as guides for how to eat something. 

Obsessing over whether or not I'd eaten more than one ounce of Terra chips would've ruined all of my childhood Terra chip-eating experiences. Back then, I looked at a bag of Terra chips with a) gratitude and b) the hope that my brother wouldn't take all of the sweet potato ones.

Calories didn't really start to "matter" to me (read: dictate my life) until I was in my freshman year of high school. I was stressed, lonely, and seeking a way to cope with anxiety. Sadly, the coping mechanism I ended up choosing was the online calorie tracking app we were told to use during health class.

I'm not criticizing health class, but I think some of diet culture's convoluted messaging definitely seeps into a lot of what people are taught about wellness. We aren't taught about the antibiotics used in factory farming or about mindfulness or about the chemicals in Febreeze. And all of the good things we learn about--vegetables, fruits, fun recipes--is largely overshadowed by the calorie.

Even on my healthy diet--the one that my body had been trusting since childhood--my calorie intake was "too high" than my expenditure. I'm very petite, so the BMR that my calorie tracker calculated for me was pretty low, and I remember doing my health homework and discovering the horrifying fact that I was consuming way more calories than I "needed." 

Oh, no! 

The next part of the assignment--multiplying my excess intake by 365 days and then converting that to pounds--freaked me out even more. I was left feeling like a total failure, and from that point forward, I entered the caloric value of everything I ate into my tracker.  I also upped my movement to "compensate" for my intake--just to be safe.

I did everything that I felt was necessary to get an "A." And I ended up getting Anorexia.

#fail

My story (which of course involves more factors than just that health assignment) aside, what I'm trying to get at here is that our brains are very susceptible to the language we expose them to. If we keep telling our brains something, they're going to start to believe us, and then we're going to end up being controlled by whatever it is we told ourselves. Our thoughts are very powerful. If we keep ingesting diet culture-inspired thoughts, then those are the thoughts we're going to have.

I'm proof of this. Diet messaging very easily "sticks" with me. I read somewhere a few years ago that meals MUST be spaced three hours apart. This, apparently, is vital for survival, and I incorporated this rule into my innermost being. As a result, I still struggle with what to do when I'm experiencing low blood sugar. If it's only been two hours since breakfast, I question whether or not I can eat a snack--even if I'm lightheaded or really hungry.

As a child, I definitely would've had a snack. And then I would've moved on. One of Nanny's nut butter bars and I'd be set. But now--just because I read a silly post on a health blog--I'm caught in a limbo of low blood sugar = worrying = waiting (and then still not eating enough) = anxiety.

PLEASE, don't let yourself be controlled by your limiting beliefs! Limiting beliefs lead to limited lives. A best friend of mine once asked me to go to yoga class with her. I panicked. I couldn't go to yoga . . . I had to run so that I could eat dinner. 

Don't make that same mistake. Skip the run. Do the yoga. Eat ice cream at your brother's birthday. Dance. Watch a movie. Paint a picture. LIVE.

Don't live limited.

<3 <3 <3 

New Year's Recovery Goals

Happy New Year, loves! This can be a wonderful time for refreshing and reflecting, but it can also be a time that is fraught with self-judgement and self-hatred. I'm trying to make the season of twinkly lights and hymns last as long as possible, but as Christmas is now over, most of the media has shifted its attention to diets. I wrote quite a bit about the whole "new year, new me" mindset in my last post, and I'm definitely noticing just how much pressure there is to "make up for the holidays."

SIGH.

What are we really "making up" for? It's awesome to do things that make your body feel better--taking a walk with your family, eating something nourishing and warming, drinking a cup of tea--but please don't jump on the restriction bandwagon! It's crazy tempting, I know, but it's not worth it. I'm reading BrainwashED by Elisa Oras, and I've learned so much about how chronic dieting hurts our bodies. Think about it: how can our bodies trust us if we're constantly depriving them of nourishment and forcing them into insane exercise routines?

How our bodies feel when we're chronically dieting (Giphy)

Instead of setting yourself up for another round of what Elisa calls "Diet Merry-Go-Hell," how about taking 2019 as an opportunity to set yourself up for long-term health awesomeness? I'm proposing a challenge for all of us eating disorder warriors to actually get better. Woah, there, wait a second . . . what if that means changing physically? Change = scary!!

But isn't change the whole point of recovery? If I were healthy right now as I am, then why would I even need to recover?  

Snacks, increasing intake, getting rid of "sick" clothes, decreasing physical activity (see below) . . . these all freak Bellatrix* out, but if I want her to let me go, I need to make her as uncomfortable as possible. Even if that means she'll make me a bit uncomfortable in the process.

When you're not supposed to exercise in recovery . . . . (Giphy)

My "new year, new me" plans include doing most of the things that the fitness magazines tell you not to do, but, just like everyone else, I'm doing these things in order to get healthy. We're all different. If you're getting over anorexia, for instance, eating dessert every night may be just what you need to do in order to be the healthiest version of yourself. PLEASE, don't judge yourself, restrict yourself, or hurt yourself. Be your body's best friend. All your body wants to do is to keep you alive, so let it.

Talk to yourself like you love yourself, eat like you love yourself, and move (or rest) like you love yourself. Following breakfast, a morning snack, and lunch, I'm feeling kind of uncomfortable, but I'm sitting (not standing, running, or pacing!) with a heating pad and doing my homework. The fitness magazine says I should skip a morning snack, go on a run, and fast as long as I can, but I'm not going to do that because I've tried already tried all those things. I've done exactly what the magazines want me to do, and guess what? My skin dried out, I became irrationally afraid of eating, and I spent a good portion of high school stressing about how to avoid eating dessert at my birthday. I'm sick from Bellatrix, and I'm sick of Bellatrix. 2019 is not her year.

<3 <3 <3 

*Bellatrix is the name I use for the eating disorder voice in my head. Note that I adore Helena Bonham Carter and Harry Potter. I only call the eating disorder voice "Bellatrix" because I love movies and literature and Bellatrix is a really scary villain.

Embracing Unpredictability

Instead of studying for finals yesterday, I spent the morning trudging through snowmageddon with my mum and brother. Because of a rather un-foreboding weather forecast, we'd thought that we would be able to make it home from church before the weather got bad, but our 24 year-old car ended up sliding down an ice hill, and we had to abandon it in the middle of the city and seek shelter in our friend's tool shed. By the time he got home to break us out of it, the roads were buried, and we ended up staying the night without access to any of our homework. Yay, finals!

Needless to say, I am so incredibly grateful our hero-friend saved us from the snowstorm. We got locked in his shed, and when he showed up wearing a Santa hat to break us out of it, we were soaked and covered in the purple-red hues of pre-frostbite. I swear that I've never been so happy in my life to have a cup of tea before . . . even if the inspirational quote on the tea bag made me feel a bit foolish for having gone out that morning:

"One thorn of experience is worth a whole wilderness of warning."

Thank you, James Russell Lowell. I'll remember that.

Anyway, we made it back to our poor sweet car today and dug him out of his snow pile enough to get home, and we're desperately trying to make up for our lost study time now. The semester ends this week, so I'm trying to write as fast as possible, but I wanted to take a quick break to post here a little bit because last night got me thinking a lot about practicing gratitude and embracing unpredictability. Both of these things are so crucial to eating disorder recovery.

Found on Yoga for Wellness

One of the things that an eating disorder promises us is control. Often, we become vulnerable to eating disorders in part because something about our lives feels out of control, and we believe that if we control every aspect of what we eat, we'll find a sense of safety and calm. Ironically, though, having an eating disorder actually means losing control to an illness. We give up our sanity, our health, and our happiness for control that we don't actually have. Isn't that scary?!

I know I make this comparison a lot, but Gollum's relationship with the One Ring in The Lord of the Rings is a really good metaphor for the relationship someone has with an eating disorder. Gollum thinks that possessing the One Ring gives him control in his life, but in reality, the One Ring is a very unhealthy fixation for him. I mean, he's willing to spend eternity hunched over in a dark cave talking to himself and cradling the ring like it's the only thing he cares about. "My precious . . . ."

When I think of my eating disorder obsessions, I try to imagine Gollum and the One Ring, and then I realize that an eating disorder--as "in control" as it may make me feel--is ultimately going to ruin my life if I don't fight it, regardless of how counter-intuitive and stressful non-disordered behaviors may seem. But every day that I don't do the hardest workout and every Friday night that I eat a bowl of Luna & Larry's on the couch with my brother is another step closer to freedom.

And as for practicing gratitude . . . my mum and I have been trying to follow some of Lesley Fightmaster and Adriene Mishler's yoga videos on YouTube, and they usually include mindfulness lessons woven in with the actually asanas themselves. A few days ago, we did a yoga video that included a quote from The 7 Book: How Many Days of the Week Can be Extraordinary? by Dan Zadra and Kobi Yamada:

30,000 mornings, give or take, is all we’re given. If you’re 26, you still have 20,000 left. If you’re 54, you still have 10,000. An accident or illness could change all that, of course. But let’s count on you to remain safe and healthy all your allotted life—in which case you still have plenty of time. Sort of.

“We get to think of life as an inexhaustible well,” wrote composer and author Paul Bowles, who lived to the ripe old age of 32,442 mornings. “Yet everything happens only a certain number of times, and a very small number, really. 

“How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, some afternoon that’s so deeply a part of your being that you can’t even conceive of your life without it? Perhaps four or five times more, perhaps not even that. How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps twenty. And yet it all seems limitless.” 

30,000 mornings. We’ll spend some of them on the treadmill, or fighting traffic, or standing in line at the Starbucks store. Just be sure to spend some of yours seeking and savoring the real beauty, mystery, and adventure of your days. This is your life, your one and only life—don’t miss a day of it.

Yesterday, I spent one of my 30,000 mornings hiking to safety in a tool shed, but my family and I didn't die in an accident, and we got to spend the evening with each other and a dear friend instead of spending it obsessing over homework. So I'm grateful for yesterday. Focus on the mornings, the evenings, the mid-days . . . see every moment as an individual piece of time that you've been granted. The freer moments are the ones when the eating disorder isn't in charge. You can do recovery and get your moments back for yourself. I believe in you.

And before I go . . .please be careful if you're in dangerous weather!

<3 <3 <3

Recovery Resources

In an effort to put something positive out into the universe, here is an image of an adorable seal cub:

Found on weheartit.com (uploaded by Paty Pegorin)

Knowing that this seal cub is out there makes everything feel a little bit better, doesn't it? (Being myself, though, I am of course now worrying about climate change and the melting ice caps . . . .)

In the spirit of yesterday's post on honesty (Satya) and asking for help in recovery, I want to share some recovery resources today. These are just a few of the articles, websites, blogs, podcasts, and videos that have helped me and motivated me in the recovery process. It's reassuring to have people to relate to and look up to in recovery . . . they can serve as reminders that, no matter how loud the inner Gollum is, recovery is not only possible but also totally worth it.

Podcasts

• Nourishing Minds Nutrition 
• Meg and Victoria are dietitians who focus on intuitive eating, health at every size, traditional foods, and hormone healing. They've both struggled with eating disorders, and in their podcast, they cover everything from exercise addiction to environmental sustainability. 
• Liveng Proof
• I found out about this podcast on the Nourishing Minds Nutrition podcast. Engrid is a personal trainer who dealt with disordered eating and exercise habits for years before discovering intuitive eating and mindful movement. Her show features episodes on the "pain body," femininity, sexual trauma, and holistic wellness, and her guests include psychoanalysts and chiropractors. 

YouTube

• A Case of the Jills
• Jill is a former marathoner who went through hypothalamic amenorrhea and exercise addiction, and her videos are insightful, honest, and moving. She answers questions primarily related to "detraining" and HA recovery, but for anyone who has a disordered relationship with exercise, I highly recommend her channel. 
• Follow the Intuition
• Elisa is the author of BrainwashED: Diet Induced Eating Disorders, and her YouTube channel features videos addressing issues about recovery from bulimia, anorexia, orthorexia, OSFED, and exercise addiction. Basically, she discusses everything, and her honesty and openness are encouraging and reassuring.
• MegsyRecovery
• Meg is an adorable newlywed who not only features her cute cat in her videos but also has videos from multiple stages of recovery. She answers viewer questions in each episode, and some of the episodes that helped me the most are the ones addressing "not feeling hungry" and the fear of "losing fitness." Meg also sometimes shares tips from her therapist.

Blogs and Websites

• A Life Without Anorexia
• Izzy now blogs at It's a Healthy Lifestyle, but her original anorexia recovery blog still has all its old posts up. She blogged throughout her recovery journey, so there are posts from every stage of recovery, which can be helpful for someone who's struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
• Wholly Healed
• Jess is a Certified Eating Psychology Coach who specializes in "functional endocrinology." Her posts address many of the myths propagated by the media that are hurting women's hormonal health. Reading about how chronic cardio, fasting, and calorie restriction may actually do more harm than good really opened my eyes!
• RawRitta
• Ritta recovered from orthorexia and exercise addiction, and her caring personality and honest videos and blog posts are encouraging and reassuring. 

There are many other helpful resources out there, but these are some of the ones I return to the most often. What blogs/sites/videos/podcasts have been helpful for you?

<3 <3 <3 

Prescription for Compassion

I'm working on several papers at the moment, and one of them has to do with compassion, mindfulness, and the dire need for it in education (and in general life). There is so much tragedy in the news right now, and the UN's latest climate report is quite devastating, and it's all overwhelming, and I wish there were something I could do about it. But there just aren't any ruby slippers for curing the hate and pain in the world. It's got to be a process.

Found on Billboard.com

One of the fundamental elements of yoga is the idea of "ahimsa," which is the principle of nonviolence. There are different interpretations as to how to carry ahimsa into everyday life, but the essence of it (in my opinion) is compassion. Wouldn't a more compassionate world be a brighter, happier, healthier, safer place?

Compassion encourages prosocial behavior (i.e. sympathy in action), promotes well-being, and heals relationships (with ourselves and with others), but we don't give it the attention it deserves. Instead, we place the spotlight on success, independence, uniqueness, entrepreneurship, and determination. Is there anything wrong with that? No. But if success, independence, uniqueness, etc., aren't balanced out with a healthy dose of compassion, then we're just going to end up a world full of really driven people who don't care about each other enough to solve the crises we face. Scary, right?

What's great about compassion is that it can start right here and right now. By being compassionate in your daily life, you can help ease some of the burden of the "compassion deficit" that seems to plague the planet. And compassion is not only between you and those around you. Compassion for yourself is important, too . . . especially in eating disorder recovery. 

I hate to admit this, but one of my not-so-great recovery moments took place at a time when I could've chosen to meditate into the moment but instead allowed the inner demons to come in and start yelling at me. I don't like eating really late at night, but we were at an event that ran much later than expected, and we didn't end up getting home until after 9:00. So dinner at 9:30. That's not that big a deal, right? No, not at all. I'm serious about this--it. is. not. a. big. deal. But for some reason, the nasty little Gollum creature that likes to taunt me crept into my mind and started running on all my worry trails and yelling scary things. No one else could tell I was upset inside, or that I was battling an inner demon, but that didn't matter because I knew that I'd made the mistake of letting Gollum go all "my precious" about the eating hour.

What I'm hoping to get across with this post is that the eating disorder voice is the exact opposite of compassion. It is the anti-ahimsa, and it is something that we need less of in this world. Sometimes, it's easy to put up with the eating disorder voice because we're so used to having judgmental, critical thoughts about ourselves and don't feel "worthy" of self-compassion. But remember that self-compassion can help the planet because it needs more compassionate people right now. So if you can't bring yourself to practice compassion for your sake, do it for someone else's. That's helped me. I try to picture someone I really love and then ask myself how I would want them to treat themselves. Would I want them to get all freaked out inside about when they ate? Or would I want them to just breathe, relax, and let go?  

Found on Pinterest.com (Elephant image at top = also from Pinterest.com)

<3

 

Re-framing "Just Do It" for Eating Disorder Recovery

Just Do It. That's the trademark phrase we see plastered across images of sweat-drenched athletes and exercisers all over the world. And while there's nothing at all wrong with that--yay for sports and sneakers--the whole idea of "just do it" becomes insidious when seen through the lens of an eating disorder. In the throes of anorexia, exercise addiction, etc., "just do it" can be a motivator to push harder, faster, strong, longer.

I used to see "just do it" as a justification for my compulsive movement and restrictive eating, and even today it makes me feel a bit inadequate. I mean, here I am, trying to relax more and eat more while there are all these Nike models out there who are boxing and dieting and sweating.

I love yoga and have found so much relief and flexibility in it--far more than I ever found in excessive running and HIIT--but it doesn't make me as exhausted or intense as anyone in a sports advertisement ever looks. And because society has come to praise the HIIT-doing, weightlifting, super-fit people we see in magazines and on TV, I've been brainwashed into thinking that I need to be exhausted and/or adrenaline-buzzed after a workout or else it "doesn't count." Newsflash: stop doing things that make you feel totally drained or that increase your anxiety. If your workout is making you more stressed or is messing with your hormones, it isn't working for you. As I've written here before, some of us do well on running, others of us do well on more low-intensity things, and some of us don't "do" any sort of formal exercise at all. Movement is dependent on the individual, so let's stop comparing ourselves to the advertisements, take a collective deep breath, and just "be" in our bodies. Being in your body is much more fulfilling than being in control of your body.

I found this on Google Images, and it's not mine, but it's adorable!

But back to "just do it." What I've realized recently is that "just do it" can actually be used very effectively as a motivator to get better. After all, isn't the whole purpose of "just do it" to motivate people to become healthier versions of themselves?  Just as with exercise, health is subjective, and getting healthy isn't limited to adding a gym membership and picking up a calorie-tracking app. For people getting over anorexia or trying to fix a hormonal imbalance related to stress and restriction, getting healthy often means eating more food (even if that's counter-intuitive sometimes) and reducing compulsive movement behaviors. Earlier today, while debating whether or not to eat a more substantial morning snack than I'm usually comfortable with, I told myself that I would allot five seconds to worrying/trying to convince myself I didn't need to eat "extra." After five seconds, I told myself, "Just do it." I ate the snack, it was good, and it was over.

Recovery. It's what's healthy for your body.

Just do it.

<3 <3 <3

Mental Health Day and Positive Thinking in Recovery

In eating disorder recovery, it's often difficult to tell the difference between what's healthy (i.e. pro-recovery) and what isn't. The eating disorder voice is a brilliant trickster that enjoys manipulating us and convincing us to sabotage ourselves, but we have to train ourselves to stop listening to its lies. This is the "work" of recovery--the active, involved part of it that makes it an ongoing process as opposed to a simple overnight fix. Sadly, we can't simply say, "I choose recovery" and expect to be cured. Actions truly speak louder than words when it comes to moving past an eating disorder.

I'm struggling with this today because hunger signals continue to confuse me. I acknowledge that I'm supposed to eat more in order to heal, but there's a very strong force inside me that is resisting the "extra food" because I don't always feel like I need it or want it. Why eat when I'm full? Why eat when I think my body is fine as it is?

Friends, these are the sorts of thoughts that hold us back. Recovery is about getting uncomfortable and going against the beliefs that we've been obeying for so long. If I could really trust my hunger signals and thoughts about food, then I wouldn't still be dealing with the long-term effects of restrictive eating and overexercise. And for anyone with a history of food restriction or overexercise, going against what's feels "right" is imperative. So, even if we don't want to eat that morning snack or add that extra scoop of almond butter, we've got to do it. It's the healthy choice, and any time we choose to restrict or stagnate, we're not choosing recovery.

Something that's been helpful to me lately has been repeating a mantra to myself about how I would like my life to be "after recovery." I believe in prayer and the power of positive thinking, and I recently watched a video by Elisa Oras about using the Law of Attraction to facilitate eating disorder recovery. Instead of focusing on all the discomfort and all the negatives of recovery, focus on how you'd like to feel when you're fully recovered. What's your life like? What's your relationship with your body like? Recovery is your opportunity to take your life back. Obviously, recovering won't magically "fix" everything in your reality, but wouldn't a life without obsessive food thoughts and body hatred be really nice?

Positive thinking can be difficult at first, but it's been scientifically proven to have benefits for your mental and physical well-being. When you're eating something that makes you uncomfortable, don't put too much energy into thinking about how your stomach feels/how nervous you are/etc. Instead, think, "I'm healthy. I'm strong. I'm beautiful. I'm kind. I'm free. I'm flexible." Those sorts of affirmations (even if you don't believe them at first) can not only help you to manifest a better relationship with yourself and with food but can also help engage your parasympathetic nervous system. And when your parasympathetic nervous system is engaged, your body relaxes and your digestion improves! Yay, fewer stomach complaints!

I know it's challenging to focus on gratitude and positive thoughts in recovery, and I totally recognize that positive thinking isn't always a simple choice. There are a whole lot of factors at play--hormones, neurotransmitters, etc. But even if you're struggling, at least try to commit to yourself today to make pro-recovery choices. Do it in honor of Mental Health Day. I believe in you.

<3 <3 <3

Letting Go is Courageous

A new month is almost over. And then it will be October. That has to mean something, right? I don't know. Maybe I should ask the cats.

What are your plans? What are you gripping onto? I often realize that whatever I'm clutching correlates with what I'm afraid of. If it's in my hand and I'm refusing to let go of it, chances are that I'm afraid of what will happen when I release. "Letting go" is an idea that's developed a negative connotation around it. We associate it with giving up and becoming weak. When we let go, we're undisciplined, lost, unmotivated.

Or are we?

When I let go of running, I was afraid. There was pitta-vata imbalance written all over me, and the more I fed into the frustration and fear inside me, the worse I felt. Speed and force can help us numb out of things, but as soon as the "high" of adrenaline subsides, the worry and fear and grasping creep back in. Tools like over-exercising, restricting, etc., are not long-term helpers for us when we're dealing with stress or anxiety. They're unsustainable and put our bodies in a constant state of sympathetic nervous system overload.

Having people that love you enough to call you out when you're going into SNS overload (pushing, resisting, and fighting mode) is a blessing. I'm so grateful to my loved ones for helping me see that moving faster and faster isn't going to make me feel better, and it breaks my heart that there are people all over the world who are going through destruction alone. We need to help spread the message that, in some cases, letting go isn't bad. It's not weakness!

Letting go is strength. It's courage. It's something we have to practice every day.

Our inner demons have all sorts of names. Anorexia. Perfectionism. Workaholism. Internet addiction. These insidious forces overtake us during a period of vulnerability in our lives, and before we know it, we're afraid of everything, most of all ourselves.

Image found on Sue Atkins

Marianne's got it. We're terrified of letting go because, somewhere within ourselves, we know that we CAN let go. It may not be cut-and-dry or simple, but it's possible. When people are overexercising, for instance, it may scare them to know that they have the power let the alarm go off a bit late and skip running. They have the power to do yoga instead, or sleep in, or read . . . .

In order to access our "power," we need to have faith that things are going to be okay. I'll admit that I'm definitely not the full-of-faith, let-it-be person that I'd like to be, but the point of writing this is to say that it's okay to let go of inner demons and let faith in. Let love in.

<3 <3 <3

Recipes for Self-Love and Recovery

My grandmother passed on the August that I began third grade. It's difficult to believe it's already been eleven years since then, but it has.

My grandmother helped raise me. She helped me learn to read, and she was the one who first introduced me to Eckhart Tolle and Louise Hay. I didn't know how sick she was until I got into elementary school. That's when I learned from her and my mum about lupus and autoimmune diseases.

Louise Hay

My grandmum's chronic stress and chronic illnesses eventually caught up to her. She was 58 when she had a heart attack and stroke within two days of each other. We watched her pass on, and then we cremated her and put her ashes in a little biodegradable box with flowers on it.

One of my favorite photos of my grandmum is one in which we're baking a pie together. I was three and of course had pumpkin puree all over my face, and she was standing across from me smiling, with her red hair tied up in a scrunchie and a dishtowel draped over her shoulder. I've been thinking of that photo a lot lately. My grandmum was amazing at inventing recipes that met vegetarian and food sensitivity needs. I remember having her pumpkin bread at Christmas and tasting the maple syrup off the mixing spoon and never feeling "bad" or "sick." When I traveled away to visit people, my sensitivities would flare up and cause skin rashes and stomach aches, but at home, I always felt good after eating. Here's to being five again!

Somewhere along the line, a combination of stress and peer pressure and homesickness made me decide that whatever physical issues I had--acne, etc.--could be cured by drastically restricting my food intake. Brilliant plan, right? #fail

All bodies are different, and our bodies are always changing. I have issues with mold and dust, and my skin does not tolerate dairy and gluten very well. Some of us do brilliantly on dairy and gluten, though. My brother loves mozzarella and goat cheese, for instance, and he can tolerate dust much more than I can, but he is seriously allergic to carrots. The reason everyone eats so differently is that we all have unique needs. In Ayurveda, the uniqueness of every individual person is emphasized. I know people who love meat proteins (if you do buy meat, please try to find as humane a provider as possible to #supportmamaearth). Meanwhile. I love almond butter on rice and sweet potatoes and bananas. Fats + Carbs = YAY.

Where am I going with this, though? Right, food restriction . . . .

Basically, I started counting calories and labeling foods a few years ago, and before I knew it, I was in a sad, isolated world. A world without pumpkin bread because I didn't know its "caloric value." Let's quit the "calories in, calories out" gig already, okay? It isn't helping us. The other day, I saw a quote from Vanessa Palencia: "Y'all saying we need to count our calories/macros, but I think Mother Nature would have carved nutrition facts into tree trunks if that were the case."

Isn't that brilliant? Mother Nature did not put nutrition fact labels on trees, or on rocks, or even in our instincts, so why do we idolize them? Why have I idolized them?

I took a break from cleaning, studying, and lesson-planning (#tutorlife) to do some baking for my family and neighbors. I made oatmeal muffins and then went to make myself some muffins, and without even realizing it, I'd added several cups of rice flour to a mixing bowl but wasn't really "measuring" anything. In the very recent past, I've been subject to this need to know exactly how much is going into the batter mix so that I don't "mess up" (translation: add too much/more than usual), but all that meticulous measuring really takes the joy out of baking. Yes, it's good to have a general idea of cups, tablespoons, etc., so that you can put a recipe together, but baking isn't an AP Chem lab, and it shouldn't be treated like one. It should be treated like a fun, relaxing, love-filled activity . . . just like it was when my grandmum and I were making pies together!

When we're eating compassionately and cooking compassionately, our bodies are magically able to keep themselves working well. Love food, love your body, love others. And if you need a little help getting started, I'm sharing a fun oatmeal muffin recipe that I make for my grandfather every week :). These muffins are gluten-free and vegan-friendly, and the only sweetener is maple syrup. They will give you a healthy dose of fiber and protein thanks to the oats, and they'll keep you feeling warmed, nourished, and happy.

Papa's Oatmeal Muffins (GF/Vegan-friendly)

Makes approx. 14 muffins

Dry Ingredients
1 1/3 cups oat flour
3 cups rolled oats
2 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp ginger
1 tsp cardamon
Pinch baking powder
1 cup raisins

Wet Ingredients
1/4 cup maple syrup
1/3 cup walnut oil (or other oil if nut-sensitive)
1/2 cup water
1 1/2 cups apple puree/apple sauce
Drop of vanilla extract

Directions

1. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees (F).
2. In a bowl, mix together dry ingredients thoroughly. Have fun and add extra raisins if you love chewiness!
3. In another bowl, mix together wet ingredients. 
4. Stir wet ingredients into dry ingredients until a thick, sticky batter forms.
5. Using a big spoon, ladle the batter into a muffin tin. (You can oil the tin with coconut oil or another kind of oil to prevent sticking or use muffin tin liners. My favorite tin liners are by If You Care, and they're biodegradable and bleach-free.)
6. Carefully put muffin tins into the preheated oven and bake for 20 minutes, or until a fork comes out clean. Remember to remove the muffin tin with a mitt on so you don't burn yourself!
7. Yay, muffins!

<3 <3 <3

Acne and Other Insecurities

Since middle school, I've struggled a lot with acne, scarring, and generally sensitive skin. I'm not quite sure whether my skin is "dry" or "oily" since it seems to vacillate between both states quite regularly, sometimes being both simultaneously! My hands and elbows, for instance, tend to be very dry and cracked, but on my face I have issues with clogged pores and frequent breakouts. Our skin is our largest organ, and for me, it's the first to react to allergens, stress, or lack of sleep. If I'm really worried about work or school, I'll wake up in the morning with a lovely red mark on my cheek or forehead. It's like a little reminder that I need to chill out.

While my skin has improved significantly over the years, I still have scars, and whenever I get a breakout, it not only hurts physically but also causes me a lot of insecurity. I look in the mirror and feel ugh because my nose is red and my face has puffed up around acne spots. 

From The Care and Keeping of You, a book my mum got me in middle school 

When I was thirteen and my acne was at its worst, a younger relative walked up to me and suggested that I "wash my face." Though this child meant well, their advice wasn't incredibly helpful because I already did wash my face. I washed it, I slathered creams and masks on it, I covered it in burning ointments, and I did my best to avoid things that aggravated it (dairy, lemon rinds, gluten, dust, and mold*). I also wore concealers and powders to make my acne less noticeable. 

Long story short: I put a lot more effort into my skin than most of my peers did, yet many of them had clearer skin than I did, and when my relative told me that I needed to "wash my face," he was basically suggesting that my acne was entirely in my control. It wasn't, it isn't, and it never will be.

I'm not writing this to complain about my skin woes or anything like that . . . I'm writing it to point out a major flaw in how we perceive others. Because of all the products, diets, programs, and remedies that we see in ads, we've come to believe that appearance is pretty much entirely dependent on how "hard" we work and how much "effort" we put in. There's this myth that if I follow a celebrity's diet and fitness plan, I'll wake up looking just like her one day, but the truth is that I will never have Taylor Swift's long legs no matter how many leg lifts I do.  I'm 5'2". She's 5'10".

Yes, lifestyle can have an impact on health. Exposure to toxic chemicals, antibiotic-laden meat, and major pesticides isn't "good" for any creature, human or otherwise. Getting some sort of fun, joyful activity--whether that's walking with your kids or dancing to 1980's pop music--benefits your mood and fitness. Washing your face helps keep it clean. By all means, treat your body respectfully.

But don't get caught up in the lie that appearance is a direct product of effort. The shapes of our bodies, whether or not we get acne or cellulite, and how symmetrical our faces are don't fall under the realm of our control. We're born who we are. It's not our responsibility to become Cindy Crawford.

<3 <3 <3 

*Please note that these are what cause me breakouts. Everyone has different sensitivities, and products with dairy and gluten can have amazing health benefits for some people! Don't fear food. Learn what works for your body!

Anxiety, Body Image, and Other Lovely Reasons to Just Chill Already

The challenge of maintaining a work-school-life balance returns as soon as the alarm goes off on Monday morning.

From Giphy (OMG, so adorable!)

The imminence of our brief "holiday" (i.e. work from home) time ending is a bit anxiety-provoking, but yesterday at Mass, I realized that gratitude is so much more convenient, beneficial, and compassionate than fear and worry are. I'm incredibly grateful to have an education, jobs, and a place to come home to at night, and when I choose to focus on this instead of on all the things I could be panicking about, the jigsaw pieces of life fit together much more easily than they do when my thoughts are scattered and freaked out.

Giphy

Of course, it's much easier to just sit here and write about mindfulness than it is to actually put mindfulness into practice. We don't just wake up one day feeling all zen and Yoda-like (just ask Luke Skywalker about that!). Sometimes, anxiety sweeps in and decides to take over everything. This morning, for instance, I found my mind drowning in overwhelm. I couldn't focus on anything, and my thoughts were going way too quickly for me to keep up with them. I wanted so badly to slow down but at the same time felt that I had to go faster and faster. Ugh, right?

One of the great things about science is that, at times like these, we can use it to understand what's going on in our bodies. The spike in cortisol and adrenaline that accompanies panicked, distressed feelings produces certain physiological reactions: shallow breathing, shaking, sweating, etc. Anyone who's ever heard a yoga instructor before knows that the breath plays a major role in regulating how we feel at any given time, and we can harness the breath to our advantage by focusing on deep inhales and long, relaxing exhales. Yoga, tai chi, qigong, and meditation are wonderful practices for building awareness and contentment because of their incorporation of mindful breathing. By linking breaths to different postures, a yoga "flow" encourages us to stop paying attention to whatever is going on in our head (body-bashing, self-criticism, fear, etc.) and instead pay attention to our inhale/exhale patterns. As we calm down, our breaths become fuller and deeper, and we experience a sort of "lightness" in our bodies that is only accessible via the one-and-only parasympathetic nervous system.

Breathing--that amazing function that so many of us take for granted--keeps us alive. It nourishes us with oxygen and gives us a vehicle through which to expel negative energy, but when we're caught up in anxiety, we let the bad feelings fester and don't allow the breath to help us. When I looked in the mirror the other day and decided I didn't like what I saw because x wasn't flat enough and my hair wasn't y enough, my breath became shallow, and negativity built up inside me. I started thinking about all the things I needed to do . . . restrict, add cardio, etc., etc., etc. Did any of those thoughts help me? NO. They suffocated me--physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Don't let your thoughts suffocate you, loves. Remember that you aren't a body. "You're a soul. You have a body." 

And nourish that soul--nourish yourself--with sincere, healing breaths. 

Art by Michelle Eshleman

<3 <3 <3

Authenticity and Being Imperfect

"Authentic" has become a bit of a buzzword recently, but I think that we may be using it incorrectly. I mean, it almost seems that authenticity is now just another type of perfection--another standard for us to live up to. "Be your authentic self" has turned into a goal that we need to "strive for," but true authenticity doesn't require that much striving. When we're really authentic, we're not trying to seem authentic or act authentic because authenticity isn't acting.

One of the biggest blocks to authenticity is this idea that we need to be "perfect." How do I look? What does ___ think of my outfit? Is __ right?  All of these thoughts and worries just create anxiety and pull us from the moment. How can we ever be fully present when we're busy thinking about our posture or skin or hair?

What's awesome is that none of us have to be perfect. We're not meant to be. We're meant to be loving and compassionate and caring, sure, but perfect? Perfect isn't possible, and when we just accept that and act like our normal selves, our relationships and experiences with others are much more meaningful for both us and those we are with. Isn't it more fun to be with your friends when they're being themselves than it is when they're trying to act like someone else? 

Let's drop the pressure to be perfect. Just let it fall to the floor like baggage you don't need anymore.

Gilmore Girls GIF from HerCampus

When we stop trying to be perfect and start focusing on being authentic, sincere, and kind, we can participate in life more fully. Treat yourself like you'd treat your friends, remember that sincerity is adorable, and make the most of today. 

Never Been Kissed GIF from Popsugar

<3 <3 <3 

Yoga-ing All Day

I used to fear double pigeon pose, but since I began doing it every day, it's gotten easier. I'm learning to push through the discomfort and just be in my body, working with it as opposed to against it. It's easy to start judging yourself in yoga. You're trying to do a forward fold or wheel pose or get your knee aligned above your ankle, and then all of a sudden you're noticing how your thigh doesn't look "right" or how uncomfortable it feels to brush against your own side.

But then, when you sit with that discomfort and breathe into it and just observe it, you can get out of your head and into your body and realize that your body isn't 'wrong." It's not imperfect or flawed; it's just what it is. It doesn't need to be changed. 

Initially, it can be scary to accept and ease into the moment--to really settle into every line and mark and fold and curve of your body--but the magic lies in softness. If it were easy to be relaxed and comfortable with and in yourself, then mindfulness/yoga/etc. wouldn't be a practice. It'd just be something we wake up doing!

Even if the experience of being "in" yourself is difficult at first, know that, the more you practice it, the more natural it will be become. When I slip into disordered eating patterns, I tend to become hyper-focused on a specific body part. I'm very aware of my stomach and then start analyzing it, judging it, and wondering why it doesn't look like it "should." UGH. All this does is push me into my deep, dark little hate hole of insecurity and despair. When I'm trapped in the hate hole, it's really hard to climb out. I'm also usually accompanied by Gollum. He's sitting there cradling the One Ring while I cradle my self-criticism, self-doubt, and body dysmorphia. Needless to say, neither Gollum nor I has a particularly pleasant time in the little hate hole, and I highly recommend that you avoid going down there/ It is not a fun place to be!

Today, instead of leaping into the insecurity spiral, I focused on just going through the yoga movements mindfully and acting as an observer to my thoughts. We can all do this. It takes practice, and it isn't always easy, but it's better than sharing a cave with Gollum. The next time you're starting to judge your body, take a minute to step out of your head and back into your being. The thoughts can come, but they don't have to determine how you feel about yourself.  Breathe in for three counts and breathe out for four counts. Longer exhalations lower anxiety. And yoga poses like tree and Warrior II can help to ground you. They say, "Hey, let's get out of the head space and into the body space! Soft and strong!"

Soft and strong. In body, in mind, in actions.

<3 <3 <3 

Fear, Love, and a Blood Moon

If you've been feeling any intense emotional currents lately, rest assured that you're not alone. Today marks the occurrence of the longest blood moon eclipse in a century, and astrologically, this is a pretty big deal.

Image: Huseyin Aldemir / Reuters (found on NBC article)

From National Geographic:

Get ready for a celestial double feature unlike anything seen in decades: Mars is about to make its closest approach to Earth in 15 years—just as the full moon blushes red in the longest “blood moon” eclipse of the century.Both the moon and Mars will dominate the overnight hours on July 27 and into the morning of July 28, traveling across the sky beside each other while appearing to be separated by only five degrees, equal to the width of three middle fingers held at arm’s length.

This amazing, beautiful blood eclipse will only be visible in parts of Asia, South America, Australia, and Africa, but even those of us who can't see it will be able to "feel" it. Eclipses help us to more forward and shed that which is no longer serving us, but change is painful, and the growth that eclipses facilitate may not always seem positive right away. Relationships may transform. Jobs may end. Rejection may be faced. But remember that the universe isn't out to get you. Stay strong, friends! Moving into the discomfort is the only way to break free of whatever it is that is holding you back from being your true, authentic self--the one fully capable of giving to the world and making it a better place.

“The doors to the world of the wild Self are few but precious. If you have a deep scar, that is a door, if you have an old, old story, that is a door. If you love the sky and the water so much you almost cannot bear it, that is a door. If you yearn for a deeper life, a full life, a sane life, that is a door.” 

― Clarissa Pinkola Estés

If we stay trapped in our rules, fears, and anxieties, we will never grow into who we are. Embracing change isn't about becoming an entirely different person but instead about recognizing who we are innately capable of being. Sitting in Mass, surrounded by incense and choir song, I often think about what the priest means when he encourages us to become the "best version" of ourselves. We're not being told to become somebody else; rather, we are trying to work on who we are so that we can fulfill our potential. This doesn't mean that we need to put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be as amazing as possible . . . it just means that we need to think about who we are on the inside and how we can use our unique gifts and experiences to add to the world (instead of taking from it). Mother Theresa said that "we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love."


<3 <3 <3

A Course in Miracles

On Monday, I once again picked up my mother's old copy of A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. The cover is faded. The pages are yellowed. I've grown up with this book floating between shelves and and bedsides, and I need to read it now, to embrace inner peace and faith and calm. Anxious thoughts, judgmental thoughts--these ones swell in our minds and often overwhelm us. We look in the mirror and criticize and seek to change what we see. We plan. We look for control everywhere.
But we can't be in control. The more we try to control, the more out-of-control we feel. Trust me. I know this from experience, from trying to control what I look like, from digging holes for myself with self-imposed rules and self-limiting beliefs. Where has all this gotten me?  I'm disconnected. It's hard to connect to yourself when you're too busy worried about what's going to happen next or what's already happened. (I need to work out. I ate that, and I regret it. So-and-so is so much prettier. I have so much work to do. What if they don't like me? The list of thoughts is endless.)
The fitness industry is huge. Massive. And there's nothing bad about fitness. I think that everyone can find a way to move that is beneficial for them. Some people may like walking or swimming . . . yoga ....dancing. . . running . . . whatever works for you, that's great. But we're so busy thinking about the physical that we often neglect our minds. We focus on the parts that are tangible and work on them until we feel like they're "perfect." Often, we never reach this place of "perfection" because the standard for perfect is elusive and always changing, but we try. What about working on our spiritual and mental health, though? I know that this sort of talk won't appeal to everyone, but if the idea of spiritual work speaks to you, then maybe these thoughts will be helpful. <3

Image from Quotefancy

What I've learned from A Return to Love and A Course in Miracles so far is that we can act from a place of fear or from a place of love. Fear is where our ego leads us; fear is clinging to labels, to anxieties, to prejudices. Love, on the other hand, is releasing control, opening our minds, and freeing ourselves from our limiting beliefs. Love is having compassion for ourselves and for others. Love is participating in "the greater good." It is proactively working to make the world a better place for everyone, through actions big and small. Love is difficult, at first, because we're conditioned to act from fear, and in order to act from love, we often need to embrace vulnerability and accept the discomfort of "not knowing." 

"All healing is essentially a release from fear."

-A Course in Miracles

I'm still new to A Course in Miracles and the other spiritual readings I'm embarking on (Pema Chodron, Eckhart Tolle, etc.), but I'm trying to embrace this whole idea of "shifting perception from fear to love." I'm tired of living in fear, and love is, at its essence, the truth of the world, so why not pursue it? Why not act from it? Let's heal--ourselves, others, the world--and release fear to embrace compassion!

<3 Frances

Can Music Save Us? (A Playlist)

It's a loaded question to ask, I know, but I'm asking it as someone who needs to pull herself out of some spiraling habits (mostly food-/body- and control-related).
I grew up on my mother's mixed tapes, and while I was never quite musical myself (aside from writing poems, if that counts, LOL), I can attest to the profound impact that music can have on us. Even now, I see my teenage brother find respite from the stress of group projects and AP tests in songs like Arcade Fire's "Everything Now" and Patrick Watson's "Adventures in Your Own Backyard." And my freshman year of high school, when I first became swept up into the madness that is diet culture, some of the best and least anxiety-related moments involved Kate Bush with my mum. Today, feeling particularly ambivalent about my preoccupations and priorities, I put on one of alexrainbird's indie/pop/folk playlists and just allowed myself to experience it while studying for finals. It slowed me down the way yoga does and got my brain out of thinkthinkthink mode and into "Wow, this is beatiful!" mode. Being in awe is good for you (seriously--science backs this up), and music has the power to put us into a state of awe, relax our nervous systems down, and re-balance us.

These Brittle Bones: "Flecks"

George Ezra: "Hold My Girl"

First Aid Kit: "My Silver Lining"

Kate Bush: "This Woman's Work"

Cat Power: "Wonderwall"

And just for fun because I like turning this on and dancing to it when I feel sad . . . .

Selena Gomez: "Who Says"

<3 Frances

Self-Care When You Don't Have Time

The April snowfall has caught me completely off-guard, and because I'm inside, I'm dressed for spring weather and have to keep reminding myself that if I go outside my legs will turn blue. Oops.

Getting ready for school and work this morning, I watched my mum rush to get out the door, off to help young children readjust to being in school after Spring Break. Because she's a teacher, her Spring Break wasn't as much of a holiday as it was a time to do all her work at home. Teachers don't get as much time off as people tend to assume they do. I'm in college studying to become a speech therapist, and I'm working as a substitute teacher in the meantime, so I get a lot of exposure to #teacherlife. Teachers are loving and dedicated, but their days are stressful. For teachers and nurses and doctors and etc, etc, etc, everyday life can be hectic and crazy, and when you're a person who cares a lot about other people and making them happy, life can get even crazier. What's really ironic is that, with the rise of the self-care industry, a lot of the people who have the easiest time incorporating self-care are the ones who might not need self-care as much as the people spending all their time serving others. I'm not at all saying that self-care is selfish--it's actually quite necessary. But it hasn't really reached the audience that I think it would be the most beneficial for because that audience is too busy sacrificing themselves for the well-being of their kids/jobs/parents/pets/etc.

Teachers will understand this question. (From Giphy)

When we try to figure out how to make "self-care" work, we hear a lot about super-complicated morning routines, cleanses, and retreats. It's easy to say, "Oh, self-care works for me!" when you've been on a one-week yoga and meditation retreat and start every morning with breathwork, self-massage, and crystal cleansing. There's nothing wrong with any of these things--they're awesome and can be very helpful--but I think that we need to figure out how people who work twelve-hour shifts and have endless homework can incorporate self-care into their lives easily and affordably.

Self-Care Ideas for Busy People (from Other Busy People):

• Try to go to bed 30 minutes earlier. Or even 15 minutes earlier. IT MAKES SUCH A BIG DIFFERENCE SOMETIMES.
• Find some sort of fun activity that helps you feel relaxed and centered and try to do it whenever you feel overwhelmed, even if it's just for 15 minutes. I love yoga and dancing. There are some great short yoga videos on YouTube, and all you need for dancing is music (and you).
• Breathe. Just in, and out. Focus on it. Relax. You can do this anywhere, anytime.
• Wear colors that make you happy. Seriously. Pink perks me up.
• Find a power song. It can be anything. My brother loves Arcade Fire.
• Add some fresh fruits and vegetables into your diet. They're nature's happy treats, and there are so many to choose from. Avocados! Bananas! Apples! Cucumbers!
• Plan a fun event you can do easily every week, like at-home Go Fish with your family or Netflix-ing with your cat.
• Find a book. Don't put pressure on yourself to finish it quickly. Just read a few pages whenever you get a chance. It'll be like exercise for your brain and for your feelings.
• Give yourself a hug. Then hug a friend. Hugs. Hugs. Hugs.
• Pick a desktop background that includes a cute baby animal or a wildlife scene.

<3 Frances

Spring Cleaning, Bunny Yoga, and Meditating with a Cat

It actually feels like springtime today, and snow is in the forecast, so I've sort of given up on trying to figure out what's going on with the weather. I feel like Mother Nature is screaming at us that global warming is a serious issue. I mean, it's snowing in April. For this part of the world, that just isn't normal. It's a major warning sign that we need to start taking the environment seriously before the earth starts looking like it does in Bladerunner. (Speaking of which, we saw Bladerunner 2049 recently, and it was really good. So plan a movie night. And remember to recycle.)

We're cat-sitting right now, and one of the fuzzballs we're taking care of is an incredibly chill, relaxed little fellow who I'm looking to for zen-spiration. When I feel myself getting stressed out or needing to "control" everything, I try to remind myself of what this cat would do in my situation, and, even if I can't roll around on the floor, I can at least take a deep breath and center myself. Yoga has been helping with this, too. If you're anything like I am (Type A, worrier, etc.), chances are that your first attempts at yoga might leave you feeling a bit frustrated and seeking the immediate release of hardcore cardio, but for some of us, focusing on stillness, flexibility, and breathwork is way more beneficial than pushing through 100 burpees. Trust me. I've been the 100 burpees girl, and I'm still recovering from the long-term effects of overexertion. It's not worth it, friends!

Is it just me, or does spring make anyone else feel weirdly optimistic?  I put on a spring-y blouse and shorts today to do homework, prep for the class I'm going to start teaching soon, and clean the living room, and the thought of warm breezes and flowers has me all excited even though I've got a bit of a pollen allergy and really am not looking forward to the summertime humidity. I'm sending out positive wishes to everybody and hoping that everyone is having a loving Friday <3. Because of all the sadness and tragedy in the world, I want to share some more inspirational/happy thoughts today:

• This is the story of Ziki, a little boy in the DRC who was rescued from a life as a cobalt miner and now gets to go to school.

From CBS News

• This is a video about Heifer International, which helps farmers in Asia, Latin America, Africa, and the U.S. I listened to a podcast (link here) about Heifer and was inspired to find a video about it :).

• This is a song that we've had on repeat recently. I hope you like it, too! :) 

<3 

Frances

Stepping Out of the Spiral

I watch the empty boxes in my calendar fill up more and more every day, and I have a new appreciation for the quiet moments in between this and that. I know I still resist pause and stillness, but I'm realizing more now just how important it is to step back and take a deep breath and then act form a place of intention instead of just dropping into the spiral and letting it take you away. Move with life, not against it, and draw your energy from compassion and gratitude and thoughtfulness, not stress and anxiety. This is a practice I am definitely a beginner in. 

My grandmum's Pema Chodron and Louise Hay books seem particularly relevant now, and I keep wishing that my grandmum hadn't died so young. I thought fifty-eight was old when I was little, but now I realize that she should've been around longer than that. Ghosting immunological diseases and a heart that felt too deeply pushed her too far, too fast, and I'm grateful for every day she woke up and hid arthritis and inflammation behind a smile and pretended she was okay. I have to think of her every time I feel scared or uncertain or resistant and remind myself that there is so much to be grateful for and that, if I really want to do something good in the world, I need to step out of my spiral.  

It's very easy to get caught in the drama and energy and push of the moment. We spend so much time staring into the addictive blue light of our screens that the world can at time seem to be made up entirely of what's online and what's glorified by our society as "admirable" and "worthy." Just this morning I read Zan Romanoff's article on the culture of fitness:

The deification of “better, harder, faster, more” can also be damaging to so-called “healthy” bodies, ones which are relatively fit and free of injury. The fetishization of never-ending accomplishment, which thrives by one-upping itself, can create a perpetually striving mindset that’s very good for selling class packages, but very bad for finding any kind of actual mental peace. And so the same drive that brings someone into an exercise class, and keeps them attending even when they’re tired and it’s tough, can become a liability when the challenge facing them is that they need to take a week off. 

It's great to appreciate your physical self and want to take care of it, but Romanoff's article brings up a good point: our modern, Western culture has developed a fitness class obsession. SoulCycle. Barry's Bootcamp. CrossFit. When taken too far, fitness can become dogmatic. Doctrinal. 

If you're not pushing yourself, you're not trying hard enough. 

If you don't hurt, it doesn't count. 

If you're not ___, you're nothing.

But why do we think this way? Movement is part of a healthy lifestyle, sure, but it's not the be-all, end-all, and it's not as complicated as we make it out to be. Fitness classes are a luxury, and everyone's "healthiest version of themself" is different. Some people are sick. Some people are in pain. Some people have dealt with an unhealthy relationship with exertion. The bottom line is that movement should be for mental health and physical refreshment, not to achieve some sort of media-hyped body goal or to fuel an obsession. Prioritize compassion, love, and a positive mindset. Let the rest unfold.

Daydreams, Music, and the Olympics

Songs are like books. They keep us company. I've been listening to a lot of Florence + the Machine lately (and Kate Bush and the Smashing Pumpkins and Lykke Li, lol), and I found a quote by Florence Welch that I think is a good reminder to all of us to embrace our inner children every now and then:

From EnglHub

Did anyone get a chance to see the opening ceremony for the Olympics last night?  I was really excited to get to see some of it with my younger (but much taller) brother. He and I spend a lot of time together . . . we used to eat lunch together every day in high school, which people thought was bizarre because teenage siblings usually aren't best friends.  But there's nothing quite like getting to be fully and unapologetically yourself with someone who knows the extent of your introverted, ridiculous awkwardness! Anyway, the opening ceremony was really beautiful. It captured so much of Korean culture in such a magical fairy tale way--complete with phoenixes and giant white tigers--and at the end, there was a performance of John Lennon's "Imagine" that almost made me cry.  Here it is, in case you missed it:

Beautiful, isn't it? I'm very excited for the figure skating portions of the Olympics. It's like seeing a ballet performance, and the flexibility, strength, and grace of the skaters are amazing.  They can spin and leap and jump while on ice. Meanwhile, I'm over here trying to sort of/almost do a semi-decent Natarajasana (Lord of the Dancer) in yoga. (And now I feel all yoga-y because I just used the official Sanskrit term for a pose for the first time.)

The "ShibSibs" (from NBC)

I'm sending sweet thoughts for everyone on this second Saturday in February.  The time around Valentine's can be difficult sometimes, but please remember that you are loved <3, and please take some time to show yourself some loving-kindness, too. In my research on movement and creativity therapy right now, I've found that cultivating compassion for ourselves and others is just as important for well-being as movement (I hesitate to use the word "exercise" because it can be anxiety-provoking) and wholesome nourishment (not dieting!) are. I've been feeling stressed out lately because of some personal stuff and because of some new jobs that I'm excited about but also nervous about, and taking time to breathe and ground myself has been very helpful. So is this video here by Michelle Elman:

If you haven't watched Michelle's TEDX Talk, you definitely should. It's incredibly moving and beautiful.

That's all for this morning. Now back to my essays :).  Big hugs for everybody!

<3 Frances