But avoiding uncertainty is completely unsustainable. The only thing that's guaranteed in life is change, and if we aren't ready and willing to adapt to change, then we're setting ourselves up for a lot of stress.
One of the biggest challenges of eating disorder recovery is learning to embrace uncertainty. An eating disorder's survival relies largely on things being "controlled" and "predictable." We need to be able to plan our meals (or lack of meals) and regiment our exercise so that everything is totally "balanced" and we don't have to worry about our bodies just being the way they're meant to be. I mean, how on Earth can we trust our bodies to work normally when all the diet and fitness media tells us that our natural selves just aren't good enough?
For me, embracing change means adding extra food in (while also reducing the amount of time I spend running around for no reason) and then just letting my body work itself out. Embracing change means not constantly calculating calories in and calories out all the time. Embracing change means stepping WAY outside of my comfort zone and moving forward with my life instead of just staying where I am right now.
It's very tempting to stagnate, but it's not healthy. If any of us want to have fulfilling lives, we need to kick our eating disorders out and take back what is rightfully ours. We deserve the energy and motivation that will help us be positive forces in the world. It's impossible to be fully present when we expend at least 50% of our mental energy calculating calories and worrying about our workout routines. Seriously, though. I've made some very sad choices in the name of my eating disorder, and it breaks my heart when I hear stories of people ruining family events and other fun experiences because of their worries about food and exercise.
The stair climber will always be there. The person sitting next to you right now won't.
I fully understand how difficult recovery is. I'm in it right now, and every day presents new obstacles. I'm constantly having to ask myself if I'm making fear-based or love-based choices, and as the semester draws to a close, I'm anticipating a summer that will bring some major life changes. But every day I tell myself that change and uncertainty aren't necessarily bad. Maybe they're actually good. If change means no longer worrying about calories and macros, feeling more fully alive, and being a force of good in the world, then bring it on.
<3 <3 <3
