Getting Help from Your Healthy Self

“When your healthy self is strong enough to deal with all that comes your way in life, your eating disorder self will no longer be useful or necessary."

-Carolyn Costin, 8 Keys to Recovery from an Eating Disorder

When I first read this, I was not in a good place. I was standing in the office of the university's therapy department looking through their small self-help library and wondering if any of the other students would notice that I was carrying a stack of books related to anorexia and body image. But as I got better, the idea of my "healthy self" started to make more sense. Somehow, following my meal plan and committing to being honest with myself, my care team, and my family enabled me to get in touch with my healthy self, and having "met" her, I am now able to call on her to help me with my relapse.

So . . . who is this mysterious "healthy self"? And what can we do to better hear her/him/them?

Personally, I find it helpful to imagine my healthy self as an older, wiser sister version of myself--someone who can see through the eating disorder's lies. And sometimes I even imagine her as my inner child--someone who I can take care of the way I take care of my students or siblings. When I'm tempted to listen to the eating disorder voice, I pause and ask myself what my healthy self would do. What would--to quote Marie Kondo--"spark joy"?

Even though listening to the healthy self may make you uncomfortable at first because disordered thought patterns, rules, and routines are so. so. so. ingrained in your subconscious mind, "sparking joy" can be a really useful way to make the healthy voice louder. What would you do in this moment if you were someone without an eating disorder? What would you do if you were, for say, a character on your favorite TV show or in your favorite book? What would bring your heart--not your rule-following mind--joy? And by "joy," I mean real joy--the joy that comes from being your true self and fulfilling your heart's need to feel and give love.

Becoming a teacher has made a huge difference in my recovery journey, and I really credit my teaching job for saving my life. Being with my students "spark[s] joy"--even on the hardest days--because it gives me something truly meaningful to focus on that exists outside of eating disorder thoughts.  

Other things that can be really helpful for finding joy outside of your eating disorder include . . . .

1) Reading. I'm currently working through All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr--a beautiful, powerful, tragic book that gets me out of my worry trails and into my heart space.

2) Watching a long-running television show. If you watch an episode every day/few days/week, that will make the show last longer, and the characters can become friends that remind you that there's more to life than eating and exercising. I really like Felicity, LOST, and Party of Five. 

3) Engaging in joyful movement. I had a really, really bad exercise addiction, so I fully recognize that movement may not be for everyone. And finding ways to cope with anxiety that don't involve movement is essential to fully recovering. But if movement is something you'd like to explore and that you feel would be safe (i.e. not triggering or physically hurtful) for you, I recommend checking out Yoga with Adriene or Mimi Kuo-Deemer on YouTube or blasting music and having a dance party. 

4) Just listening to music! I love Florence & the Machine, The White Stripes, Lykke Li, Bon Iver, Kate Bush, and The Cranberries. I'm also going to dedicate a whole post to songs that have helped me in recovery :).

5) Trying foods you used to love! I can't tell you how happy I felt having an almond butter and jelly sandwich in my lunchbox for the first time in five years when I started "recovering for real" at the end of 2019. And while I'm gluten-free due to gluten intolerance, I discovered the Kinnikinnick version and had my first "Oreos" in over seven years today! And it was really fun! 

6) Picking up old hobbies (or finding new ones). I used to write all the time. I started writing "books" when I was four, and throughout elementary and middle school, I was always thinking of stories and characters and how to bring them to life. I stopped writing in the deepest parts of my eating disorder because all I could think about were food and exercise, but now I'm writing again, and it feels really good to finally be doing heart-centered activities again. 

I'm sending everyone love, hugs, and the Force (I'm a bit of a Star Wars geek). What activities can you incorporate into your day that might help you get in touch with your "healthy self"? Could you call a friend? Plan a movie date with your cat? Whatever you do, remember that you are strong enough to get through your worries. You've got this. 

<3 Frances 

Images from Giphy.

Mental Shifts for Eating Disorder Recovery

I recently wrote about recovering from a relapse, and after a rough few days, I prayed for the strength to do what I need to do to heal so that I can show up as the most loving, present version of myself as a daughter, teacher, sister, and friend. Moving out of my head and my worries about myself and into a place of love for others always helps me when the anorexia voice is yelling at me. Anorexia wants to isolate you. I'm very much an introvert, but trust me--the isolation that anorexia offers you isn't pleasant quiet time with a good book. Rather, it's time alone with a bully.

When I woke up last Sunday (the first day of NEDA Week), I set the intention to do my best at making recovery-focused choices and getting back into the headspace I was in over the summer. And that was when I remembered the simple mindset shift I'd experienced last year--that recovery doesn't have to be hard.

Is it hard? Yes! Of course. But in my head, I try to set the intention for it not to be.

I still have to challenge myself, and I still feel scared, overwhelmed, and worried a lot. But I'm doing my best to act as though I'm not scared, overwhelmed, or worried. If I'm hungry but the anorexia voice is telling me to fast until lunch "because then lunch will be more rewarding," I choose joy over pain and have a snack. Which is awesome! Recovery means making choices that--even if they feel uncomfortable at first--will ultimately make you feel better. 

Drinking the night shake doesn't always come naturally to me, and sometimes, I'd rather not drink it. But I know that--in the end--it is the healthy choice. Not "healthy" in the convoluted, green drinks-only way. "Healthy" in the authentic, balanced, happy way that involves everything from eating a veggie stir-fry to dunking an Oreo in milk just to find out what all the hype is about. 

<3 Frances

Images from Giphy.

Living the Life You Want to Live

I want to start this by saying that my thoughts and prayers go out to anyone who is struggling right now. I have family and friends in Texas, and the situation there is just one example of the incredible suffering that is going on in the world at any given time. I'm an INFJ/P, and if I start thinking too much about all the pain that others are experiencing (humans, animals, plants. . . even fictional characters), I get a bit overwhelmed. I don't want to open this on a negative note (this post is meant to be inspiring, I promise!), but I think that--as much as acknowledging the pain around us can be triggering--it can also be a source of motivation for getting better.

A few weeks ago, Florence Welch wrote:

 "I am 7 years sober today. I send my love and support to anyone who is struggling. If you are feeling shaky around ED issues, drugs or alcohol, I completely understand. The desire to disassociate is so strong. But please don’t give up. We are going to need you on the other side."

As I'm working on moving through this most recent relapse, I keep thinking of Florence's words and the idea of "the other side." Anorexia is really, really limiting. As someone who's been battling it for seven years, I can tell you that it doesn't help anyone. Not you, not your friends, not your family . . . and certainly not the world. But don't feel guilty. Just as I didn't decide to fall into anorexia, orthorexia, or exercise addiction, you, too, didn't wake up one day and choose to stop eating. But recovery IS a choice. A difficult choice that leads to a long journey, but a choice nonetheless.

And here's the beauty of working towards "the other side"--you have the chance to base your life on your values. You can start living the life you want to live today. Isn't that wonderful? 

What are your values? What version of yourself do you want to be? The version that can enjoy dessert with her mum, read a book instead of going for a run, and volunteer at the SPCA without worrying about what she's going to eat for lunch, or the version that is too afraid to do anything but micromanage her eating and exercise habits? I've been the latter version of myself for far too long. In my relapse, I sort of lost sight of the potential to "get better for real," but I decided on Lunar New Year to commit to living the life I want to live. 

Of course, this (like so many things) is easier said than done. I recently downloaded the BrighterBite app for eating disorder recovery, and it is a wonderful, free tool (with an adorable aesthetic) that I highly recommend to anyone who feels bullied by their thoughts. I'm also starting therapy again. Having someone (or multiple people, ideally) outside of you holding you accountable can be fundamental for making progress. Getting this support system requires a lot of honesty, though. The anorexia voice may tell you that keeping your fears a secret will keep you "safe," but honesty is what's going to save you. I promise. This week, I admitted to my mum that--despite being 1000% times healthier than I was a year ago--I've been harboring fears around carbohydrates. The anorexia voice had me convinced that I couldn't eat the same bread as my mum and brother with my lunch because that would be "too many carbs at lunch." Flashback to my childhood, when my brother and I had the same lunches most days. I was completely healthy having hummus on a bagel or sunflower seed bread with almond butter, yet the anorexia voice would like to convince me that I "can't" eat those sorts of things anymore. UGH.

Well, after being honest about this both with myself and with my mum and "challenging" myself with the gluten-free bread my brother eats, I realized that the anorexia voice is (once again) lying to me. And even better than realizing that is realizing that I now have the freedom to, for instance, shop at a wider variety of stores because I'm no longer afraid of carbs at lunch. (Side note: We're GF because of Celiac in my family, and Canyon Bakehouse bread is really, really yummy--and it comes in recyclable packaging!)

If you're looking for permission to step outside of your comfort zone, open up about your worries, and start living a life on your terms (not anorexia's!), please take this post as a sign that all of these things are not only totally safe but also incredibly rewarding. When I start worrying about recovery being scary or bad, I remember that my life is so much better now than it was when I was in the deepest depths of anorexia. I'm on this journey with you, and as someone who is recovering, I want you to know that you CAN do it and that it is definitely WORTH it. 

<3 Frances 

Images from Giphy.

On Navigating a Slight Eating Disorder Relapse

Lunar New Year is tomorrow. In the class where I teach, we made paper dragons to scare away bad luck, and at home, I'm sweeping the kitchen and hanging some red lanterns in honor of my own Chinese heritage and my hope that the coming year will call in the sturdiness, resilience, and courage of the Ox. My grandmother was a Rat, and given how incredibly challenging last year was, I attribute any of the good that came during it (such as the election, etc.) to her and the communion of spirit guides of which she is now a member. I was raised with a very eclectic spirituality that blends Taoist oneness with the statues of the Virgin Mary tucked away into Irish grottoes and nature worship, and throughout my recovery, I've been fighting to reconnect with the part of myself that believes in Chang'e and Mary Magdalene. (This is the same part that also loves making toast to enjoy while writing and reading--a part I've tried to crush beneath aggressive "should's" and "have to's".) But I'm not always as brave as I'd like to be, and after naively thinking I was fully recovered this summer, I incidentally slipped back into anorexic thinking patterns a few months ago after some stressful triggers I didn't expect would affect me. Like seeing someone from high school at the store. Backsliding wasn't intentional. It just happened, and while I look and feel 1000% better than I did two years ago, my brain and body still have some healing to do. 

Okay. Maybe a lot of healing. Even if you're far along in recovery, an eating disorder/anxiety disorder can make you go from feeling on top of the world one moment to feeling angry at yourself and very sad the next. I have tremendous gratitude for all the love in my life, but in the moments that the bully voice is yelling at me, I can't help but to miss childhood and the way it felt to be entirely free of any compulsions to control what I eat or how I move.  Something that's helped me is remembering who I used to look up to--Amélie Poulain, Violet Baudelaire, and Padmé Amidala. These are characters who lead out of love rather than out of fear.  

Somewhere along the way, though, my connection to my heart broke under the weight of anxiety and pressures to abandon my spirituality in favor of competitive Western individualism.

In other words, I stopped believing in faeries. 

And now that I have the perspective (thank you, nutrition!) to at least admit I'm struggling, I have the hope of getting better--for real this time. This summer let me know that it's possible, even if I'm still a bit of an addict. Thinking of an eating disorder as an addiction can be helpful because, like other addictions, eating disorders lead to compulsive behaviors and alter the reward centers in our brains. Exercise can become a compulsion that initially leaves us feeling "high," but over time, that high goes away, and all that's left is someone so desperate to feel "numb" or "safe" that they're willing to sacrifice everything just for a few more minutes on the treadmill. Same with unhealthy fasting. It's not an answer to anything--just a temporary high that comes with long-term consequences.

I'm writing this to let you know that relapses are okay and that you still have permission to heal. If you've relapsed--even if just slightly--you still deserve to do the work to get better. You have permission to have the life you want to have. You can learn to believe in faeries again, and as we all know from Peter Pan, that's all it takes to bring them back to life.

<3 Frances

Images are not mine. 

Hugs and Resources to Support Eating Disorder Recovery

I haven't written anything here in a while now.

A lot has changed.

The world is a very scary place sometimes, and right now, we're experiencing something that I couldn't have predicted.

How are you? How are your loved ones?

I'm very grateful that I get to be home with my family. The school I teach at is transitioning to an online format, which has been challenging, but my heart is with the first responders and the heroes that are making it possible for the world to maintain some level of normalcy.  And my prayers go out to those who are suffering right now.  The other day on the news, I heard a rabbi talking about the difference between "inconveniences" and "problems." Inconveniences are the little things that we tend to feel anxious about or frustrated with. But they aren't problems, and the more we learn to handle them, the better able we will be to handle real problems when they arise.

Gratitude.

It all comes back to gratitude. And service.

For anyone dealing with an eating disorder, know that focusing on gratitude and on service will make the whole recovery process so much easier. Trust me. I've been battling Bellatrix (the ED voice) for nearly seven years, but I've made a lot of progress in the past three months because I've finally stepped out of my head and into my life. I've started trying to give back in what little ways that I can while also constantly reminding myself of how lucky I am to have the opportunity to heal.

Eating disorders like to trap us in the worry trails in our minds, and--at least for me--focusing too much on myself and my thoughts made these trails even harder to escape. The more I got into my head and my feelings of discomfort, anxiety, etc., the stronger Bellatrix became.

I'm not saying that it's bad to talk about our feelings. I actually met with a therapist last semester, and having someone to talk to is incredibly important.

But remembering that there is more to life than the stories we tell ourselves is important, too.

Lao Tzu taught that "what is small is easy to scatter." The smaller our lives become, the more easily the winds of anxiety can sweep them away. We need to root ourselves in things that are lasting--like faith, love, and gratitude.

That being said, I have some resources to share that I hope will help anyone dealing with eating disorder thoughts, body image challenges, or even just general feelings of anxiety.

Yoga With Adriene
If yoga is something that you and your treatment/support team agree would be supportive to you, I can't recommend Yoga With Adriene enough. I did the Revolution series with my mum last month, and Adriene's flexible attitude and fun personality serve as helpful reminders that movement should never be a punishment. In one of her videos, Adriene even says that she doesn't "subscribe" to the "no pain, no gain" philosophy. She's a good role model for loving yourself and everyone else.

The Real Life RD
Another good role model is Robyn Nohling, FNP, RD. In her blog, she debunks nutrition myths, shares fun recipes (marbled banana bread, anyone?), promotes intuitive eating/HAES, and provides a plethora of resources surrounding female health and wellness. I've been reading Robyn's blog for a long time, but I actually got to meet her in person this year. She's awesome and brilliant, and her perspective on health is so freaking refreshing after spending so long in the diet culture rabbit hole!


Mimi Kuo-Deemer
I found Mimi through the qigong videos she posts on YouTube, and her calming demeanor and graceful presence inspired me to read Qigong and the Tai Chi Axis: Nourishing Practices for Body, Mind, and Spirit, her first book. I LOVE THIS BOOK. Mimi is a yoga teacher who incorporates qigong into her practices. Qigong is a Chinese healing system based on fluid movements inspired by the five elements (Earth, Wood, Metal, Water, and Fire), and being of Chinese heritage myself, I love incorporating qigong's principles of balance and fluidity into yoga (and into my daily life).  Mimi is also currently offering donation-based yoga and qigong classes online via Zoom.

<3 <3 <3 Frances

Limiting Beliefs and Our Bodies

Happy Friday! I'm sending happy thoughts for everyone from the world of midterms. I'm grateful to be feeling much better today than I was earlier this week, but now that the fatigue of the flu is gone, my anxiety is beginning to ramp up a bit. Anxiety likes to take whatever energy we have and channel it into running through worry trails. My worry trails include thoughts like:

"Move more!"
"Wait--what's in that? Is that too much?!"
"Plan. Plan. Plan."
"You need to earn your food!"
"How many calories is that? Is it too many?"
"Should you have x if you're planning on having y later? Both are fruits. Fruits have sugar!"

UGH.

I wish that I could say that I were far enough on my own recovery journey to have released these thoughts, but the truth is that I'm not. Yoga has been immensely helpful for me in terms of learning to work with my body as opposed to against it, and I recently began using EFT tapping to deal with moments of acute anxiety. (I'll write more about EFT later--it's really cool and wonderful!)

But I still have some limiting beliefs surrounding food and movement. A major issue lately has been my belief that I need to "earn" my food through movement (i.e. lots of walking, standing, etc.). The idea that you need to burn x calories in order to be "allowed" to eat something is pretty ridiculous, but it's one of the diet culture myths that has been the hardest for me to separate myself from.

empoweredeatingrd.com

I was raised in a home where I was fortunate enough to have access to a variety of nourishing foods that came from sustainable sources. I enjoyed Nanny's homemade almond butter bars and scrambled eggs and feta without hesitation, and making apple crisp or gluten-free brownies (family with Celiac) was a highlight of every Friday night. Helping mum make Thanksgiving dinner never freaked me out, and the few weekends we splurged by getting Whole Foods hot bar takeout were so exciting because they had yummy chicken and salad and OMG gluten-free cookies!

I was a healthy child. I knew I got a rash when I ate dairy or gluten and that certain chemicals made me feel bad, but I didn't have to analyze these reactions or "label" my diet as "plant-based" or anything else. I ate things that made my body feel cared for without having to think about it too much, I played outside, I sometimes did yoga with my mum, and I read a lot. 

Something I didn't read? Calories. Sure, I'd look sometimes to see if an ingredient list had a food sensitivity in it, and I avoided things that came from factory farms, but I never looked at calories or serving sizes and used those numbers as guides for how to eat something. 

Obsessing over whether or not I'd eaten more than one ounce of Terra chips would've ruined all of my childhood Terra chip-eating experiences. Back then, I looked at a bag of Terra chips with a) gratitude and b) the hope that my brother wouldn't take all of the sweet potato ones.

Calories didn't really start to "matter" to me (read: dictate my life) until I was in my freshman year of high school. I was stressed, lonely, and seeking a way to cope with anxiety. Sadly, the coping mechanism I ended up choosing was the online calorie tracking app we were told to use during health class.

I'm not criticizing health class, but I think some of diet culture's convoluted messaging definitely seeps into a lot of what people are taught about wellness. We aren't taught about the antibiotics used in factory farming or about mindfulness or about the chemicals in Febreeze. And all of the good things we learn about--vegetables, fruits, fun recipes--is largely overshadowed by the calorie.

Even on my healthy diet--the one that my body had been trusting since childhood--my calorie intake was "too high" than my expenditure. I'm very petite, so the BMR that my calorie tracker calculated for me was pretty low, and I remember doing my health homework and discovering the horrifying fact that I was consuming way more calories than I "needed." 

Oh, no! 

The next part of the assignment--multiplying my excess intake by 365 days and then converting that to pounds--freaked me out even more. I was left feeling like a total failure, and from that point forward, I entered the caloric value of everything I ate into my tracker.  I also upped my movement to "compensate" for my intake--just to be safe.

I did everything that I felt was necessary to get an "A." And I ended up getting Anorexia.

#fail

My story (which of course involves more factors than just that health assignment) aside, what I'm trying to get at here is that our brains are very susceptible to the language we expose them to. If we keep telling our brains something, they're going to start to believe us, and then we're going to end up being controlled by whatever it is we told ourselves. Our thoughts are very powerful. If we keep ingesting diet culture-inspired thoughts, then those are the thoughts we're going to have.

I'm proof of this. Diet messaging very easily "sticks" with me. I read somewhere a few years ago that meals MUST be spaced three hours apart. This, apparently, is vital for survival, and I incorporated this rule into my innermost being. As a result, I still struggle with what to do when I'm experiencing low blood sugar. If it's only been two hours since breakfast, I question whether or not I can eat a snack--even if I'm lightheaded or really hungry.

As a child, I definitely would've had a snack. And then I would've moved on. One of Nanny's nut butter bars and I'd be set. But now--just because I read a silly post on a health blog--I'm caught in a limbo of low blood sugar = worrying = waiting (and then still not eating enough) = anxiety.

PLEASE, don't let yourself be controlled by your limiting beliefs! Limiting beliefs lead to limited lives. A best friend of mine once asked me to go to yoga class with her. I panicked. I couldn't go to yoga . . . I had to run so that I could eat dinner. 

Don't make that same mistake. Skip the run. Do the yoga. Eat ice cream at your brother's birthday. Dance. Watch a movie. Paint a picture. LIVE.

Don't live limited.

<3 <3 <3 

Your Body Needs Rest

Happy October! It's midterms week at my uni, and I'm wandering around my apartment in a bathrobe and several sweaters. Some variation of a stomach virus/flu that I wasn't even aware was going around right now has hit me rather hard.

Being sick makes me very emotional.

I really, really don't like missing class (especially during tests), and I'm immensely grateful for how sympathetic and understanding my professors have been. I'm studying and working on homework today in between waves of nausea, and I'm hoping that my ability to function today isn't just the result of it being morning (fevers tend to spike at night, sigh).

What's funny is that--just two days ago--I sat with Shakti Gawain's Creative Visualization and Gail Swanson's The Heart of Love (a book of divine feminine/Mary Magdalene wisdom) and asked the spirits/universe for guidance. I confessed that I'm still in a relationship with my eating disorder, and I attempted to visualize myself healing and finally going through with the break up that I know will ultimately set me free after six years.

As soon as I woke up the next morning, I knew something had shifted, and it didn't feel good. I went to school hoping that things would resolve themselves, but I ended up crying on the floor that evening with a 101F fever and so much nausea I could hardly think about food (never mind diet or recipe books). One Exorcist-like event (which I don't wish to provide too many details on) later, I was unconscious on the couch, and only now am I able to look at my computer screen to do homework.

While working at my desk, I saw the Creative Visualization book and began wondering if there's perhaps some kind of "cosmic significance" to being sick right now. I know that not everything has to be divinely ordained, but the spiritual side of me can't help but to recognize the specialness in the fact that I prayed and visualized healing on Sunday night (right after a New Moon) and then woke up with the worst sickness I've had in years.

New Moons are times for "new beginnings." They give us the opportunity to release whatever has been holding us back, and perhaps being sick right now is a wake-up call for me. The universe is punishing me for pushing myself all the time and refusing to listen to my body's needs. I've spent too much time rejecting my body's signals. Anyone who has ever had an eating disorder understands what I'm talking about.

Hungry? Wait. Tired? Walk more, go harder, move faster. Sick? You can't get sick! Rest? How lazy!

When we let Gollum/Bellatrix/the ED voice control us, we prioritize control over balance and health. I, for one, have allowed control to stamp out the yin/Kapha/calm from my life, and now I'm paying the price. I'm being forced to slow down. I'm too tired to work out or clean, and I'm too nauseated to think about food as anything other than sustenance (i.e. no more weird food obsession).

The stomach ache, the nausea, the muscle aches, the chills, the fever . . . these symptoms are all really unpleasant, but instead of viewing them as "unfair" or "inconvenient," I'm going to recognize them as signs from my body that I need to tune back into her needs. I need to stop pushing her so much and allow her to rest so that she can heal.

If you're reading this, I hope you realize just how important it is to practice awareness with your body. Developing a nurturing relationship with your body. Don't punish it, starve it, or ignore it. It's made of stardust and does not deserve to be abused and tossed about like some sort of object, and if you push it too hard, it will break down.

We aren't invincible. The ED voice likes to tell us that we'll be invincible if we allow restriction, fear, etc., to run our lives, but the ED voice is a notorious liar.  The ED voice damages everything--organs, relationships, souls. Tell the ED voice you're not going to listen to it anymore.

"Let us imagine that life is a river. Most people are clinging to the bank, afraid to let go and risk being carried along by the current of the river. At a certain point, each of us must be willing to simply let go, and trust the river to carry us along safely. At this point, we learn to 'go with the flow'--and it feels wonderful."
-Shakti Gawain

<3

Images used in this post are not mine :). They were found on Giphy and Pinterest. 

Stepping Out of the Comfort Zone

I like familiarity. It's comfortable and easy, and when every day is the same, there is little room for uncertainty.

But avoiding uncertainty is completely unsustainable. The only thing that's guaranteed in life is change, and if we aren't ready and willing to adapt to change, then we're setting ourselves up for a lot of stress.

One of the biggest challenges of eating disorder recovery is learning to embrace uncertainty. An eating disorder's survival relies largely on things being "controlled" and "predictable." We need to be able to plan our meals (or lack of meals) and regiment our exercise so that everything is totally "balanced" and we don't have to worry about our bodies just being the way they're meant to be. I mean, how on Earth can we trust our bodies to work normally when all the diet and fitness media tells us that our natural selves just aren't good enough?

For me, embracing change means adding extra food in (while also reducing the amount of time I spend running around for no reason) and then just letting my body work itself out. Embracing change means not constantly calculating calories in and calories out all the time. Embracing change means stepping WAY outside of my comfort zone and moving forward with my life instead of just staying where I am right now.

It's very tempting to stagnate, but it's not healthy. If any of us want to have fulfilling lives, we need to kick our eating disorders out and take back what is rightfully ours. We deserve the energy and motivation that will help us be positive forces in the world. It's impossible to be fully present when we expend at least 50% of our mental energy calculating calories and worrying about our workout routines.  Seriously, though. I've made some very sad choices in the name of my eating disorder, and it breaks my heart when I hear stories of people ruining family events and other fun experiences because of their worries about food and exercise.

The stair climber will always be there. The person sitting next to you right now won't.

I fully understand how difficult recovery is. I'm in it right now, and every day presents new obstacles. I'm constantly having to ask myself if I'm making fear-based or love-based choices, and as the semester draws to a close, I'm anticipating a summer that will bring some major life changes. But every day I tell myself that change and uncertainty aren't necessarily bad. Maybe they're actually good. If change means no longer worrying about calories and macros, feeling more fully alive, and being a force of good in the world, then bring it on.  

<3 <3 <3 

Confessions of a Cortisol Junkie

I come from a long line of cortisol junkies. We treat coffee and green tea like they're food, prefer intense cardio sessions to relaxing movements, stay up late working, and even wash our faces with anxious rapidity.

Where do we get all of this energy if we're eating sparingly and sleeping shallowly? Is it magic? A gift?

No. It's just cortisol.

Found on Pinterest.com

Cortisol is a hormone released by the adrenal cortex in times of stress. It's one of the key hormones of the "fight or flight" response, and, while it's very much necessary in the body, Mama Nature never intended for it to be our go-to fuel source. (As all of us eating disorder warriors need to recognize, the best go-to fuel source is food. Which means that survival depends on eating. Sigh.)

My tendency to run on cortisol (both literally and figuratively) has really contributed to my tendency to engage in restrictive eating behaviors. Feeling empty gives me energy, but what I'm learning is that the human body can only take so much depletion before it gives up. Chronic jaw issues, dry skin, and anxiety are some of the symptoms that are triggering me to realize that maybe the cortisol junkie lifestyle isn't very sustainable. And many of the women in my family who are also cortisol junkies have suffered a plethora of health conditions related to their adrenal systems.

Cortisol breaks down our bones and causes inflammation in our bodies, and when we're malnourished, we tend to have even more anxious, self-deprecating thoughts than we normally would.  Ever notice how not eating makes it more difficult to eat? Yeah. It's a vicious cycle, and the only way to break out of it is to make the conscious choice to not give into your desire for the cortisol-induced "high."  Think of yourself as a WARRIOR. Be STRONGER than whatever mean voice exists inside your mind.

You are not your thoughts, and whenever you're tempted to engage in an eating disorder behavior, remember that you are WONDER WOMAN, and you're flawless.

From giphy.com 

<3 <3 <3 

Identity and Playing Small

After work today, I was feeding my cats and listening to Oprah and Eckhart Tolle Chapter 7 of A New Earth when I heard their conversation shift to eating disorders. A caller phoned in asking for advice on how to release her attachment to her "eating disorder identity," and her words sounded just like some of the ones that so often go through my mind. Once we've consciously acknowledged that we need to recover, how do we take the leap and let go of the false "safety" that an eating disorder provides?

In the podcast, Oprah and Eckhart explained that the answer can be found in becoming more present and embodied. That makes a lot of sense given that the whole premise of A New Earth is presence = awakening, but they took this idea further by saying that, when we're caught in the eating disorder identity, we're refusing to see ourselves as "bigger" than our eating disorder selves.  Oprah's advice was particularly powerful. She said that the eating disorder is "as big as you know yourself to be right now. And when you know yourself to be something more, you will choose to be the something more and not this 'little me' that has an eating disorder."

WOW. Eating disorders may feel safe and easy, but they aren't who we are, and even if we feel like they're "working" for us sometimes, they aren't. All eating disorders can do is hurt us, our relationships, and our lives, and we need to stop "playing small" so that we can recognize the awesomeness and potential that exist beyond the eating disorder world.

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A New Earth

Hi, friends! I realize that I neglected to write anything during National Eating Disorders Awareness Week (February 25th to March 3rd), but midterm exams, transfer applications, and work somehow managed to absorb all my time. March 1st was a big deadline for me, my mum, and my brother, and the days leading up to it felt unusually foreboding. But I'm incredibly grateful to be getting a brief respite period now because it's Saturday morning and the imminence of my other work deadlines hasn't quite hit me yet.

The weather here lately has been a bit crazy--balmy one day and then snowy the next. I'm becoming increasingly disturbed by climate change. Flowers blooming much too early and frog eggs frozen in ice break my heart, and I'm overwhelmed by all that is happening in the world. I've recently applied to study Spanish and ESL Education because I hope to work with refugees, and it's clear from climate predictions that global warming is going to lead to the displacement of thousands because certain areas of the planet will become impossible to live in due to rising sea levels and temperatures. This will be very tragic for animals and plants, too. :(

But I don't mean to morbid or pessimistic here. While I clean, I often listen to podcasts, and Oprah's series with Eckhart Tolle about A New Earth has given me hope for things getting better. Right now, so many of us--often at no fault of our own--feel "separate" from those around us. It's difficult to recognize that we're really all very connected, but the awareness of our unity is what's required for us to make lasting changes. We need to acknowledge the fact that we're all in this together. We're all Earthlings together. We're all part of the incredible, frightening, and perplexing complexity that is life.  Hate, fear, anxiety . . . these are all just symptoms of disconnection. We need more hugs.

 

I try to remind myself of this whenever I'm entering the "Upside Down" (Stranger Things reference). That's the place my mind sometimes goes to when I let Bellatrix or Gollum go all "my precious" on disordered eating habits. When I step outside of myself and realize that I'm this little blip on a sphere floating in an endless universe, I remember that what's really important isn't whether or not I eat meals x hours apart. What's really important is that I recognize that we're all connected to each other and that the world needs more love in it. Love for ourselves, love for those around us . . . .

Love is healing.

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