Wolves and Stardust

I was excited to find Women Who Run with the Wolves in my college's library last week, and every page of it holds poetry and power. Metaphors, myths, and stories are such incredible learning tools, and exploring the psyche alongside characters like Vasalisa the Wise and Baba Yaga is equal parts exciting and inspiring.

When I was little, I loved all kinds of stories and legends, and I thought that there was a very thin veil between our world and the "spirit world." I completely understand that not everyone will resonate with this sort of spirituality, so feel free to think of it metaphorically if that makes more sense to you. But based on my studies of literature, history, art, and physical health, I like to think that we are deeply connected to the earth and to each other.

In Women Who Run with the Wolves, Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes refers to the famous opening line "Once there was, and once there was not" as a "paradoxical phrase ... meant to alert the soul of the listener that this story takes place in the world between worlds" (71), and for some reason, this line made something click inside me. Suddenly, so many of the life-draining, soul-sucking, self-bashing elements of the very physical, very aggressive culture we're constantly bombarded with seemed to be significantly less important and less powerful. The "world between worlds" reached out and said, "Yes, there's this physical stuff, and yes, that's relevant, but remember what/who you actually are, okay?"

Found on Pinterest

<3 <3 <3

Fear, Love, and a Blood Moon

If you've been feeling any intense emotional currents lately, rest assured that you're not alone. Today marks the occurrence of the longest blood moon eclipse in a century, and astrologically, this is a pretty big deal.

Image: Huseyin Aldemir / Reuters (found on NBC article)

From National Geographic:

Get ready for a celestial double feature unlike anything seen in decades: Mars is about to make its closest approach to Earth in 15 years—just as the full moon blushes red in the longest “blood moon” eclipse of the century.Both the moon and Mars will dominate the overnight hours on July 27 and into the morning of July 28, traveling across the sky beside each other while appearing to be separated by only five degrees, equal to the width of three middle fingers held at arm’s length.

This amazing, beautiful blood eclipse will only be visible in parts of Asia, South America, Australia, and Africa, but even those of us who can't see it will be able to "feel" it. Eclipses help us to more forward and shed that which is no longer serving us, but change is painful, and the growth that eclipses facilitate may not always seem positive right away. Relationships may transform. Jobs may end. Rejection may be faced. But remember that the universe isn't out to get you. Stay strong, friends! Moving into the discomfort is the only way to break free of whatever it is that is holding you back from being your true, authentic self--the one fully capable of giving to the world and making it a better place.

“The doors to the world of the wild Self are few but precious. If you have a deep scar, that is a door, if you have an old, old story, that is a door. If you love the sky and the water so much you almost cannot bear it, that is a door. If you yearn for a deeper life, a full life, a sane life, that is a door.” 

― Clarissa Pinkola Estés

If we stay trapped in our rules, fears, and anxieties, we will never grow into who we are. Embracing change isn't about becoming an entirely different person but instead about recognizing who we are innately capable of being. Sitting in Mass, surrounded by incense and choir song, I often think about what the priest means when he encourages us to become the "best version" of ourselves. We're not being told to become somebody else; rather, we are trying to work on who we are so that we can fulfill our potential. This doesn't mean that we need to put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be as amazing as possible . . . it just means that we need to think about who we are on the inside and how we can use our unique gifts and experiences to add to the world (instead of taking from it). Mother Theresa said that "we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love."


<3 <3 <3

Eating Disorders, Fairy Tales, and Evil Queens

When eating disorder thoughts start to occupy more of our time, the things we used to care about slip away. The time that was once given to drawing or being creative is suddenly dedicated to working out more or planning meals, and before we know it, we're serving a voice that is not our own.

As a child, I was obsessed with stories. Myths, folklore, legends, fiction, non-fiction . . . I absorbed them all enthusiastically. Some made my heart leap up and others broke it, but they all inspired me, and many of my fondest memories have to do with bedtime stories with my mum and brother. 

Illustration by Alexander Koshkin (Vasilissa the Beautiful)

But as soon as I stopped reading stories and started creating myths--myths about calories, about reps, about myself--I lost who I was. In Caroline Myss's Sacred Contracts, she talks about the "inner child"--that archetype within each of us that enables us to connect to innocence and wonder and enthusiasm. The eating disorder feeds off of anything that is wounded or fearful, and it totally crushes anything divine or hopeful. In other words, the eating disorder is a bully! 

Illustration by Kinuko Craft

We can see certain elements of eating disorders in the story of Sleeping Beauty. Eating disorders typically develop during adolescence, and surely enough, Sleeping Beauty's tragedy occurs on her sixteenth birthday. She is supposed to be in a period of growth, maturation, etc., but her adolescence is cut short by a seemingly-innocuous needle that pricks her finger and sends her into a deep, endless sleep. Similarly, eating disorder behaviors don't present themselves as evil or dangerous. There is actually a genetic component to developing an eating disorder, so, just like Sleeping Beauty's needle, the eating disorder "waits" silently for us, ready to be triggered by some sort of stressor. We come to it just as Sleeping Beauty did to the needle, and then it takes over and sends us into our own sort of sleep. 

We fall asleep to trust and to the process of life. 

The eating disorder in Sleeping Beauty can be paralleled to the Evil Queen. For some of us, separating ourselves from the eating disorder helps to recognize our authentic voice, and viewing the eating disorder as the Evil Queen may make it easier to push negative thoughts away. When the eating disorder says, "You can't do __ because of ___," think of the Evil Queen. Does she have Sleeping Beauty's best interests at heart?  No.

Of course, one major difference between eating disorders and Sleeping Beauty is that there isn't going to actually be a knight in shining armor coming along to save the day. There are definitely people and tools out there that can make eating disorder recovery easier--therapists, family members, yoga, etc.--but in the end, we're responsible for rescuing ourselves. It's empowering but scary at the same time, and it starts with a choice.

We have to choose to tell the Evil Queen to get OUT of our heads so that we can take our lives back. Don't let her be stronger than you are. I promise you that she isn't.

If you're interested in learning more about how stories and myths can relate to healing, I've heard that Eating in the Light of the Moon by Dr. Anita Johnson offers beautiful guidance for eating disorder recovery through myths and metaphors. I haven't reading Eating in the Light of the Moon yet, but I hope to at some point. What makes stories such powerful healing tools is the fact that humans are designed to relate to and learn from stories. Cave drawings, parables, fairy tales . . . we need stories for our own survival. But now that so many of our culture's stories center on "this diet" and "that workout plan," we're putting pressure on ourselves to live up to what the modern hero is presented as: someone who is successful, physically attractive, athletic, and "disciplined." What about the healers, the dreamers, the poets, the artists, the intuitives? Please don't sacrifice who you are for the glossy, photo-edited "ideal" that we see everywhere nowadays.


<3 <3 <3 

Bunnies: Making the World a Better Place

I had a soul-changing experience the other day, and I'm not saying that lightly. We were taking the recycling out, and when we got to the top of the hill, we saw the world's smallest, cutest, and most innocent bunny.

Seriously. This bunny was so small that he wasn't even aware that there were humans everywhere. We of course pose zero threat to any animal life, but this bunny felt no fear. And immediately I realized that perhaps my highest calling in life is to just grow up and raise a bunch of bunnies/rabbits named after famous literary figures.

Has anyone else had a life-altering moment with a cute baby animal? I think part of my affection for rabbits is due to the fact that my mum raised me on Watership Down, Beatrix Potter, and Max & Ruby. 

This is not the bunny I saw, but it's adorable.

And speaking of bunnies, "bunny yoga" is apparently a thing! 

I hope that this was able to bring a little sunshine to your day :). Bunnies make the world a better place, and we need all the love and cuteness we can get right now because there's a lot out there that's really quite tragic.

<3 <3 <3 

Unicorn Dreams, Yoga, and Maple Syrup

I'm still not sure how it's already the middle of July. All year long, summer seems so far away, and then it gets here, and we realize that we actually spend a lot of it working . . . and then it ends. But I'm grateful to have this time to get to be with my mum and brother more.  (And at least Fall means plaid skirts, which are always a plus.)

I've got a lot of work to do to get ready for the school year starting. It may seem early to begin prepping, but I'm going to be applying to a speech pathology program, and I need to work on that before I'm tutoring and subbing every afternoon. My dream right now is to work in rehabilitation of some kind . . . and in my "unicorn dream," I hope to use yoga and art and writing therapies with children at Vesnova in Belarus. Does anyone else have a "unicorn dream"?

From Giphy

This August marks ten years since my grandmother passed away. She helped raise me and my brother, and we miss her red hair and freckles every day. I didn't really understand the extent to which she was sick (lupus, cancer, etc.) until after she died, and my heart goes out to anyone who's dealing with any sort of autoimmune disease. Autoimmune diseases are like ghosts: they aren't always visible, but they're there, and they're felt.

They're definitely felt.

When I was little, my grandmother used to bake with me, and she liked to make pumpkin pie and apple crisp and a whole assortment of other gluten-free, allergy-friendly treats*. One of my absolute favorite parts of the baking process was getting to taste the batter because it had maple syrup in it.

Maple syrup is delicious.

But I haven't had maple syrup in the past several years because I've labeled it as "too sugary." Ugh, why? I know that there isn't any one perfect diet system and that dropping diets is the best thing that any of us dealing with disordered eating behaviors can do, but there are some principles of Ayurveda that have been helping me recently. Ayurveda actually recommends maple syrup for anyone dealing with excess Vata or Pitta. Certain eating disorder behaviors--like obsessing, restricting, and avoiding--fit really well with Vata and Pitta imbalances.

And Ayurveda aside, maple syrup is yummy and packed full of antioxidants. Why deprive yourself of that?

Image from Amazon.com

This morning I was baking muffins for our neighbors, and I picked up one of my favorite cookbooks (Deliciously Ella, yay!) to look for some ideas. I found Ella's blueberry muffin recipe, which calls for a lot of maple syrup. My initial reaction was to think, "Okay, what should I sub the syrup for? How can I make it less sugary?" But then I read her description of the muffins as nourishing, satisfying, and energizing, and I decided to drop my maple syrup avoidance and instead embrace the idea of trusting the recipe and trusting myself.

Interested in yoga? Try it here!

In yoga "class" (aka YouTube videos in the living room), I often hear to "trust the yoga." (Thank you, Adriene Mishler!) It's such a simple statement, but for anyone who struggles with feeling anxious or doubtful, releasing fear and control and just trusting the yoga is actually really liberating. It's all going to work out in the end. It's going to be fine! So today I trusted the recipe and just added the maple syrup, and as soon as I started pouring it, I remembered being four years old and sitting in my grandmother's kitchen tasting syrup off of the spoon while she baked.

Everything felt better in that moment.


Trust.

Just breathe and trust.

<3


*Note that I'm not pushing a gluten-free, etc., agenda or anything . . . my family just has a history of Celiac Disease and histamine issues. Any choices I reflect on the blog regarding vegetarianism or dairy or anything like that aren't fear-based.

Food Anxiety and Our Body-Mind Connection

Happy Thursday! I know I should get back to my "real work" soon, but I just thought to write this, and sometimes when I don't write things down, they end up getting lost forever.

Food anxiety is a topic that doesn't get a lot of attention in the mental health-o-sphere, but it's sadly a big part of so many lives, and the insidious irony is that anxiety over eating often causes many more issues for us than eating itself does. In eating disorders, we spend way too much time thinking about what we're going to eat/what we ate/what we "should" eat, and this just causes us frustration, worry, and pain.

From Healthy Place

For instance, one day, I made lunch, ate it, and then felt the effects of a little bit too much salt, so I immediately had this thought that I'd eaten "improperly." I don't eat a lot of salt usually, so whenever I have any, I "feel" it, and it's easy to go into "reaction" (i.e. anxiety) mode. 

Gifer

But the thing is, there was no mistake. Food does not have moral value. Food will not make or break you. And when you're coming out of disordered eating patterns, one of the most important steps is to get comfortable with new foods and new feelings. If you've limited your salt intake significantly (note: eating salts like sea salt and pink salt is actually good for your health), then you'll be extra sensitive to it. If you haven't allowed yourself dessert in a couple years, then the first sweet treat you have may feel overwhelmingly sweet. Your brain will react first and start telling you, "Oh, no, you did something wrong!" But unless you're having an allergic reaction (which I've had, and it's no fun, so please avoid any legitimate allergens!), the chances are that you're experiencing more of a mind-over-body effect than anything else.

Mind-over-body can be used for good, but it can also be used for bad. If you're thinking, "Oh, I feel awful," then you might feel worse than if you're thinking, "I've got a strong, smart body that knows what it's doing."

I recently discovered the "Fear-Free Food" blog by Nicola Jane Hobbs, who is the author of Fear-Free Food and Thrive Through Yoga. One of Nicola's posts is about what she calls "Eating Essentialism":

Eating essentialism is about only focusing on the elements of eating that are absolutely necessary. So, rather than worrying about which lunch option has fewer carbs or whether your oats have gluten in (unless you are diagnosed coeliac), you can channel your time, energy and effort into more meaningful goals. (Nicola Jane Hobbs)

Basically, Eating Essentialism means casting aside the food rules we've accumulated over time (excluding allergy restrictions) and focusing only on a) eating without rules and b) eating enough to nourish ourselves properly. Drop everything else, and just focus on these two principles.

It's pretty liberating, right? I highly recommend checking out Nicola's other posts, which delve into meditation, intuitive eating, and recipes.

Something else that's helpful...spirituality! Pema Chodron says that, when in times of struggle, we need to "just be with" our struggle. She says, "people . . . have the capacity to feel" a whole range of feelings. We don't feel good all the time. That's the "richness of life," and in eating disorder recovery, there are a lot of times when we feel uncomfortable, so we want to pull away. We want to run away. But this is where a lot of addiction stems from. We're too scared to leave the little boxes we've created for ourselves because we're desperate to feel comfortable. Don't eat salt. It feels "different." 

No. No more rules. Everybody, let's step out of our boxes!!  "Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth" (Pema Chodron), and our bodies are stronger and smarter than we give them credit for. Get rid of food anxiety, trust yourself, and open your life up.

Let your life crack open and spill a gorgeous rainbow everywhere.

<3

Thoughts on Spirit and Ego (and a Baby Sloth!)

I keep thinking it's a Wednesday, but it's still only Tuesday. Is anyone else having inner calendar struggles? 

I'm so grateful that the soccer team trapped in the cave has been rescued. My mum, brother, and I have been following that story on the news and praying that the team would make it out okay. So much courage and bravery on both the sides of those who were trapped and those who were trying to rescue them!

I recently found myself tumbling a little bit into the world of "let's look for labels!" again. Oops! I find a lot of security in "identity," and, while self-reflection is very meaningful, it can take a dark turn when it becomes overtaken by the ego.

Wait, what? 

The "ego," from a somewhat spiritual standpoint, is the part of the mind that is focused on how an individual is perceived by others, seeking importance and validation in often materialistic ways. Each of us has an ego, and, when it gets too powerful, it can completely drown out our sense of intuition. The ego can also manifest rather skillfully as an eating disorder. It takes everything that you really care about and casts it aside, turning fitness and dieting into overwhelming, dangerous idols.

Sadly, much of our current culture feeds the ego. Just look at the cover of any magazine and you'll see the next fad fitness trend or 10 ways to make yourself "better" (i.e. thinner, fitter, etc.). The ego grabs onto these messages enthusiastically: "Oh, look, you need to change! You need to work on yourself!" Essentially, we end up disconnecting from all that is intuitive and compassionate and going down a scary path into obsession, manipulation, and fear. The ego loves fear, and it teaches us that we need to "fix" something in order for ourselves to feel "whole" and ready to participate in our lives.  But deep down there's an inner voice--the one that is part of this great complexity we call the universe--that knows the ego isn't telling us the truth.

From Quotefancy

In her brilliant and beautiful A Return to Love, Marianne Williamson discusses the importance of disconnecting from the ego and reuniting with the spirit so that we can really get to know ourselves and remember what's truly important. No level of control over food and no dietary label is ever going to provide us with long-term happiness or security. We don't need to advertise some sort of identity to the world in order to be validated! Isn't that refreshing? Take a step back from the pictures on social media and the advertisements that flash brightly across the TV screen and ground yourself in the moment. You are here. You are now. All is well.

All is love.

And, if you need a cheer-up, here's this photo of Lunita the sloth:

SO MUCH CUTENESS.

<3 

A Banana is Not a Number

One of my absolute best memories from childhood is about granola. My mum got out of work very late most nights, but every Friday, she, my little brother, and I would watch a movie together. We called it "Friday Night Party Night," and it has become even more meaningful to me now that I know everything my mum was going through back then. Autoimmune disease. Working too hard for too little. Rent payments. Divorce. Etc.

One particularly cold, wintry Friday when I was five, my mum bought some of the raspberry-vanilla granola from the local vegan grocery, and she took me and my brother to the little video store down the street to pick a movie. We rented one of the Miffy and Friends VHS tapes and watched it while eating raspberry-vanilla granola like we had an endless amount of it. 

But in my eating disorder, granola became a "no" food. Too much sugar, too many calories, etc., etc. 

From Giphy

While there are granolas that include ingredients that will make my skin break out, there are also granolas that are skin allergy-friendly! Yay, acne-free granola time!

I found the Deliciously Ella website a few years ago, and today I decided that I no longer wish to live in a granola-less world. I picked one of Ella's granola recipes and preheated my oven. I didn't have many of the nut ingredients, so I subbed hemp hearts and extra walnuts in, and I needed to bake for longer than I should've because I messed up a bit.  But the feeling of pouring granola onto coconut yogurt and fruit for lunch today was really quite wonderful! 

While baking, I chose not to count calories or macros or anything like that. I understand that some people can count calories and macros in a totally healthy way, but I tend to let calorie/macro counts become very restrictive. If something has "too many" calories in it, I won't make it. But today I decided to tune into my body, trust the recipe, and trust myself instead of focusing on numbers. 

Our bodies are not calculators. The nourishment that comes from bananas, coconut, oats, walnuts, and almond butter = more important than numbers. 

<3

P.S. For anyone with any sort of bloating/indigestion from eating crunchy treats like granola, I recommend soaking the granola in coconut yogurt and some stewed fruit before eating it. It'll make the granola sort of warm, but warmth can be good for your digestive fire :). 

We Aren't Paper Dolls

https://www.movenourishbelieve.com/believe/july-editors-letter-lets-live-love-nourish/

This is a word that I keep in my toolbox for times when my blood sugar drops but I don't want to acknowledge it. I'm not hungry yet. It hasn't been long enough since I last ate . . .

Our bodies are not made to be starved or deprived or forced. They're made as vessels for us to exist in, but we want them to look a certain way, so we decide that they're not good enough and that they need to be changed. Dieting, obsessive exercise, calorie counting, food rules . . . these are all just ways we've devised to manipulate and control our poor bodies when all they want is for us to love them and do what is truly best for them. Because we're all different, each of our bodies requires a different approach to wellness. Some of us need quiet time. Others of us thrive in social environments. Some enjoy long runs. Others love short yoga flows. But we're all equally worthy, and our bodies deserve the love and respect needed for them to thrive. 

So, nourish. We need to give ourselves what is "necessary for growth, for life" and for "health and happiness." We nourish ourselves physically, mentally, and emotionally. Spirituality. Earth-friendly treats. Good friends. Experiences. Generosity.

I get that nourishing can be challenging when so much of what we see around us pushes deprivation. We don't like taking up space, and it seems so desirable to feel like a "paper doll." That's the term my mum uses. She says that, by restricting or punishing or escaping, we're trying to make ourselves into paper dolls. And it's becoming more and more clear to me how true this is. When my skirt doesn't hang off me, or when I feel my arm brush my side, or I sense my own physical presence, I often get panicky. Oh, no, what do I do? There's an insidious inclination for weightlessness--all bones, no skin, like a clothes hanger. A paper doll.

But we aren't paper dolls. We're humans. We're spirits inhabiting bodies that will fluctuate and change, and we have to accept that. We're only going to be here--in these forms--temporarily. Our bodies will eventually return to the stardust from which they were made, but while we have them, we have the obligation to respect them.

Of course, "respect" doesn't translate to "fear." There's a difference there. Back in my darker days, I would see things like "respect your body" and immediately start thinking of all the "rules" I needed to follow in order to be "healthy." Don't eat __. Work out __ times a week. Etc, etc, etc. Following rigid, restrictive rules is NOT respecting your body. That is fearing your body and treating it like it's "out to get you." Your body isn't seeking every opportunity to make you miserable, I promise. It's just doing its best, and all you have to do is make an effort to show your body that you love it. What does love mean? Well, for starters, eat food that makes you feel good physically and mentally. Don't punish yourself with food, and don't deprive yourself of food just because you don't feel like you've "earned it." Food = necessary for survival. When you have the opportunity, choose foods that are sweet to the planet . . . showing love for Mother Earth in the choices we make is rewarding and life-giving :).

Sending <3 for everybody!