Getting Help from Your Healthy Self

“When your healthy self is strong enough to deal with all that comes your way in life, your eating disorder self will no longer be useful or necessary."

-Carolyn Costin, 8 Keys to Recovery from an Eating Disorder

When I first read this, I was not in a good place. I was standing in the office of the university's therapy department looking through their small self-help library and wondering if any of the other students would notice that I was carrying a stack of books related to anorexia and body image. But as I got better, the idea of my "healthy self" started to make more sense. Somehow, following my meal plan and committing to being honest with myself, my care team, and my family enabled me to get in touch with my healthy self, and having "met" her, I am now able to call on her to help me with my relapse.

So . . . who is this mysterious "healthy self"? And what can we do to better hear her/him/them?

Personally, I find it helpful to imagine my healthy self as an older, wiser sister version of myself--someone who can see through the eating disorder's lies. And sometimes I even imagine her as my inner child--someone who I can take care of the way I take care of my students or siblings. When I'm tempted to listen to the eating disorder voice, I pause and ask myself what my healthy self would do. What would--to quote Marie Kondo--"spark joy"?

Even though listening to the healthy self may make you uncomfortable at first because disordered thought patterns, rules, and routines are so. so. so. ingrained in your subconscious mind, "sparking joy" can be a really useful way to make the healthy voice louder. What would you do in this moment if you were someone without an eating disorder? What would you do if you were, for say, a character on your favorite TV show or in your favorite book? What would bring your heart--not your rule-following mind--joy? And by "joy," I mean real joy--the joy that comes from being your true self and fulfilling your heart's need to feel and give love.

Becoming a teacher has made a huge difference in my recovery journey, and I really credit my teaching job for saving my life. Being with my students "spark[s] joy"--even on the hardest days--because it gives me something truly meaningful to focus on that exists outside of eating disorder thoughts.  

Other things that can be really helpful for finding joy outside of your eating disorder include . . . .

1) Reading. I'm currently working through All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr--a beautiful, powerful, tragic book that gets me out of my worry trails and into my heart space.

2) Watching a long-running television show. If you watch an episode every day/few days/week, that will make the show last longer, and the characters can become friends that remind you that there's more to life than eating and exercising. I really like Felicity, LOST, and Party of Five. 

3) Engaging in joyful movement. I had a really, really bad exercise addiction, so I fully recognize that movement may not be for everyone. And finding ways to cope with anxiety that don't involve movement is essential to fully recovering. But if movement is something you'd like to explore and that you feel would be safe (i.e. not triggering or physically hurtful) for you, I recommend checking out Yoga with Adriene or Mimi Kuo-Deemer on YouTube or blasting music and having a dance party. 

4) Just listening to music! I love Florence & the Machine, The White Stripes, Lykke Li, Bon Iver, Kate Bush, and The Cranberries. I'm also going to dedicate a whole post to songs that have helped me in recovery :).

5) Trying foods you used to love! I can't tell you how happy I felt having an almond butter and jelly sandwich in my lunchbox for the first time in five years when I started "recovering for real" at the end of 2019. And while I'm gluten-free due to gluten intolerance, I discovered the Kinnikinnick version and had my first "Oreos" in over seven years today! And it was really fun! 

6) Picking up old hobbies (or finding new ones). I used to write all the time. I started writing "books" when I was four, and throughout elementary and middle school, I was always thinking of stories and characters and how to bring them to life. I stopped writing in the deepest parts of my eating disorder because all I could think about were food and exercise, but now I'm writing again, and it feels really good to finally be doing heart-centered activities again. 

I'm sending everyone love, hugs, and the Force (I'm a bit of a Star Wars geek). What activities can you incorporate into your day that might help you get in touch with your "healthy self"? Could you call a friend? Plan a movie date with your cat? Whatever you do, remember that you are strong enough to get through your worries. You've got this. 

<3 Frances 

Images from Giphy.

Your Body Needs Rest

Happy October! It's midterms week at my uni, and I'm wandering around my apartment in a bathrobe and several sweaters. Some variation of a stomach virus/flu that I wasn't even aware was going around right now has hit me rather hard.

Being sick makes me very emotional.

I really, really don't like missing class (especially during tests), and I'm immensely grateful for how sympathetic and understanding my professors have been. I'm studying and working on homework today in between waves of nausea, and I'm hoping that my ability to function today isn't just the result of it being morning (fevers tend to spike at night, sigh).

What's funny is that--just two days ago--I sat with Shakti Gawain's Creative Visualization and Gail Swanson's The Heart of Love (a book of divine feminine/Mary Magdalene wisdom) and asked the spirits/universe for guidance. I confessed that I'm still in a relationship with my eating disorder, and I attempted to visualize myself healing and finally going through with the break up that I know will ultimately set me free after six years.

As soon as I woke up the next morning, I knew something had shifted, and it didn't feel good. I went to school hoping that things would resolve themselves, but I ended up crying on the floor that evening with a 101F fever and so much nausea I could hardly think about food (never mind diet or recipe books). One Exorcist-like event (which I don't wish to provide too many details on) later, I was unconscious on the couch, and only now am I able to look at my computer screen to do homework.

While working at my desk, I saw the Creative Visualization book and began wondering if there's perhaps some kind of "cosmic significance" to being sick right now. I know that not everything has to be divinely ordained, but the spiritual side of me can't help but to recognize the specialness in the fact that I prayed and visualized healing on Sunday night (right after a New Moon) and then woke up with the worst sickness I've had in years.

New Moons are times for "new beginnings." They give us the opportunity to release whatever has been holding us back, and perhaps being sick right now is a wake-up call for me. The universe is punishing me for pushing myself all the time and refusing to listen to my body's needs. I've spent too much time rejecting my body's signals. Anyone who has ever had an eating disorder understands what I'm talking about.

Hungry? Wait. Tired? Walk more, go harder, move faster. Sick? You can't get sick! Rest? How lazy!

When we let Gollum/Bellatrix/the ED voice control us, we prioritize control over balance and health. I, for one, have allowed control to stamp out the yin/Kapha/calm from my life, and now I'm paying the price. I'm being forced to slow down. I'm too tired to work out or clean, and I'm too nauseated to think about food as anything other than sustenance (i.e. no more weird food obsession).

The stomach ache, the nausea, the muscle aches, the chills, the fever . . . these symptoms are all really unpleasant, but instead of viewing them as "unfair" or "inconvenient," I'm going to recognize them as signs from my body that I need to tune back into her needs. I need to stop pushing her so much and allow her to rest so that she can heal.

If you're reading this, I hope you realize just how important it is to practice awareness with your body. Developing a nurturing relationship with your body. Don't punish it, starve it, or ignore it. It's made of stardust and does not deserve to be abused and tossed about like some sort of object, and if you push it too hard, it will break down.

We aren't invincible. The ED voice likes to tell us that we'll be invincible if we allow restriction, fear, etc., to run our lives, but the ED voice is a notorious liar.  The ED voice damages everything--organs, relationships, souls. Tell the ED voice you're not going to listen to it anymore.

"Let us imagine that life is a river. Most people are clinging to the bank, afraid to let go and risk being carried along by the current of the river. At a certain point, each of us must be willing to simply let go, and trust the river to carry us along safely. At this point, we learn to 'go with the flow'--and it feels wonderful."
-Shakti Gawain

<3

Images used in this post are not mine :). They were found on Giphy and Pinterest. 

Wolves and Stardust

I was excited to find Women Who Run with the Wolves in my college's library last week, and every page of it holds poetry and power. Metaphors, myths, and stories are such incredible learning tools, and exploring the psyche alongside characters like Vasalisa the Wise and Baba Yaga is equal parts exciting and inspiring.

When I was little, I loved all kinds of stories and legends, and I thought that there was a very thin veil between our world and the "spirit world." I completely understand that not everyone will resonate with this sort of spirituality, so feel free to think of it metaphorically if that makes more sense to you. But based on my studies of literature, history, art, and physical health, I like to think that we are deeply connected to the earth and to each other.

In Women Who Run with the Wolves, Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes refers to the famous opening line "Once there was, and once there was not" as a "paradoxical phrase ... meant to alert the soul of the listener that this story takes place in the world between worlds" (71), and for some reason, this line made something click inside me. Suddenly, so many of the life-draining, soul-sucking, self-bashing elements of the very physical, very aggressive culture we're constantly bombarded with seemed to be significantly less important and less powerful. The "world between worlds" reached out and said, "Yes, there's this physical stuff, and yes, that's relevant, but remember what/who you actually are, okay?"

Found on Pinterest

<3 <3 <3

A Course in Miracles

On Monday, I once again picked up my mother's old copy of A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. The cover is faded. The pages are yellowed. I've grown up with this book floating between shelves and and bedsides, and I need to read it now, to embrace inner peace and faith and calm. Anxious thoughts, judgmental thoughts--these ones swell in our minds and often overwhelm us. We look in the mirror and criticize and seek to change what we see. We plan. We look for control everywhere.
But we can't be in control. The more we try to control, the more out-of-control we feel. Trust me. I know this from experience, from trying to control what I look like, from digging holes for myself with self-imposed rules and self-limiting beliefs. Where has all this gotten me?  I'm disconnected. It's hard to connect to yourself when you're too busy worried about what's going to happen next or what's already happened. (I need to work out. I ate that, and I regret it. So-and-so is so much prettier. I have so much work to do. What if they don't like me? The list of thoughts is endless.)
The fitness industry is huge. Massive. And there's nothing bad about fitness. I think that everyone can find a way to move that is beneficial for them. Some people may like walking or swimming . . . yoga ....dancing. . . running . . . whatever works for you, that's great. But we're so busy thinking about the physical that we often neglect our minds. We focus on the parts that are tangible and work on them until we feel like they're "perfect." Often, we never reach this place of "perfection" because the standard for perfect is elusive and always changing, but we try. What about working on our spiritual and mental health, though? I know that this sort of talk won't appeal to everyone, but if the idea of spiritual work speaks to you, then maybe these thoughts will be helpful. <3

Image from Quotefancy

What I've learned from A Return to Love and A Course in Miracles so far is that we can act from a place of fear or from a place of love. Fear is where our ego leads us; fear is clinging to labels, to anxieties, to prejudices. Love, on the other hand, is releasing control, opening our minds, and freeing ourselves from our limiting beliefs. Love is having compassion for ourselves and for others. Love is participating in "the greater good." It is proactively working to make the world a better place for everyone, through actions big and small. Love is difficult, at first, because we're conditioned to act from fear, and in order to act from love, we often need to embrace vulnerability and accept the discomfort of "not knowing." 

"All healing is essentially a release from fear."

-A Course in Miracles

I'm still new to A Course in Miracles and the other spiritual readings I'm embarking on (Pema Chodron, Eckhart Tolle, etc.), but I'm trying to embrace this whole idea of "shifting perception from fear to love." I'm tired of living in fear, and love is, at its essence, the truth of the world, so why not pursue it? Why not act from it? Let's heal--ourselves, others, the world--and release fear to embrace compassion!

<3 Frances