Stop Being Scared of Recovery

It's so much easier to be scared in eating disorder recovery than it is to be brave. The entire process--entering the unknown, shedding an "identity" (however false it may be), doing everything that's counter-intuitive, willingly getting uncomfortable--is quite frightening from the outside. Is it worth it? What if, what if, what if . . . ?

As someone who's not even done recovering yet, I'm right there with you with the fear and angst. But there comes a moment when you realize you don't really have a choice anymore. I can either let my eating disorder control me and my life and steal my health and youth, or I can take action. That's the key: taking action. Being brave. DOING recovery instead of just giving it lip service.

Here's the good news, though: recovery does not have to suck. Yes, you read that correctly. This whole ordeal doesn't necessarily need to be the "ugh" that we've made it out to be. Find ways to enjoy recovery so that it's sustainable and loving instead of forced and unpleasant! I, for instance, have discovered the joy in yoga and am learning to see it as something beyond a "form of exercise." Thinking in terms of "exercise" is detrimental to my mental health (and therefore to my physical health), so I keep reminding myself that yoga is an ancient and all-encompassing life practice and that the asanas are fun and flowy and that I don't "have" to do any specific routine to "do yoga." 

Speaking of which . . . . 

I've also found recipes that make nourishment more appealing. For a long time, I've avoided so many of these recipes I'm going to make now because I was afraid they had too many calories. Even when I wasn't trying to be afraid, I unconsciously tallied calories up in my head. Two dates in that shake? That's too much. 

But what's the freaking point of doing that anymore? When my blood sugar gets too low, I get angsty, moody, irritable, and actually begin to fear food more than when I've just eaten. Earlier today, when my blood sugar wasn't too low for me to think properly, I saw a banana-date shake recipe online and decided that it looked really yummy and would be a fun snack for the afternoon. Immediately, a little voice popped into my head and said, "But your normal snack is much smaller!" On any other day, I would've given into this voice, but today I told the voice to shut up. I remembered what I'd learned in yoga--that our perception determines our reality and that we can control our reactions--and I decided that I was going to make myself a banana-date smoothie with all the nut butter and protein powder I wanted to add to it just because I could. And I did. And it was awesome. I was "doing recovery," and it didn't involve any sweat or pain. It was fun. It tasted like bananas!

<3 

Mental Health Day and Positive Thinking in Recovery

In eating disorder recovery, it's often difficult to tell the difference between what's healthy (i.e. pro-recovery) and what isn't. The eating disorder voice is a brilliant trickster that enjoys manipulating us and convincing us to sabotage ourselves, but we have to train ourselves to stop listening to its lies. This is the "work" of recovery--the active, involved part of it that makes it an ongoing process as opposed to a simple overnight fix. Sadly, we can't simply say, "I choose recovery" and expect to be cured. Actions truly speak louder than words when it comes to moving past an eating disorder.

I'm struggling with this today because hunger signals continue to confuse me. I acknowledge that I'm supposed to eat more in order to heal, but there's a very strong force inside me that is resisting the "extra food" because I don't always feel like I need it or want it. Why eat when I'm full? Why eat when I think my body is fine as it is?

Friends, these are the sorts of thoughts that hold us back. Recovery is about getting uncomfortable and going against the beliefs that we've been obeying for so long. If I could really trust my hunger signals and thoughts about food, then I wouldn't still be dealing with the long-term effects of restrictive eating and overexercise. And for anyone with a history of food restriction or overexercise, going against what's feels "right" is imperative. So, even if we don't want to eat that morning snack or add that extra scoop of almond butter, we've got to do it. It's the healthy choice, and any time we choose to restrict or stagnate, we're not choosing recovery.

Something that's been helpful to me lately has been repeating a mantra to myself about how I would like my life to be "after recovery." I believe in prayer and the power of positive thinking, and I recently watched a video by Elisa Oras about using the Law of Attraction to facilitate eating disorder recovery. Instead of focusing on all the discomfort and all the negatives of recovery, focus on how you'd like to feel when you're fully recovered. What's your life like? What's your relationship with your body like? Recovery is your opportunity to take your life back. Obviously, recovering won't magically "fix" everything in your reality, but wouldn't a life without obsessive food thoughts and body hatred be really nice?

Positive thinking can be difficult at first, but it's been scientifically proven to have benefits for your mental and physical well-being. When you're eating something that makes you uncomfortable, don't put too much energy into thinking about how your stomach feels/how nervous you are/etc. Instead, think, "I'm healthy. I'm strong. I'm beautiful. I'm kind. I'm free. I'm flexible." Those sorts of affirmations (even if you don't believe them at first) can not only help you to manifest a better relationship with yourself and with food but can also help engage your parasympathetic nervous system. And when your parasympathetic nervous system is engaged, your body relaxes and your digestion improves! Yay, fewer stomach complaints!

I know it's challenging to focus on gratitude and positive thoughts in recovery, and I totally recognize that positive thinking isn't always a simple choice. There are a whole lot of factors at play--hormones, neurotransmitters, etc. But even if you're struggling, at least try to commit to yourself today to make pro-recovery choices. Do it in honor of Mental Health Day. I believe in you.

<3 <3 <3

We Need Compassion in Recovery and in Life

Before I get into this post, I want to address just how devastating the news out of Indonesia is. The footage of homes washing away and mothers weeping over photos of their missing children have been on my mind all week, and I keep wishing that I could rewind time and undo all the horror. The only comfort I've found is in the words of Mr. Rogers: 

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.'"

When airplanes were trying to land during the tsunami, a 21 year-old air traffic controller stayed at work long enough to make sure that they landed safely and then lost his life as the waves crashed into and destroyed the control tower. And throughout the rest of Indonesia, everyday heroes are saving family members, neighbors, and strangers in the wake of unconscionable tragedy. These are the helpers Mr. Rogers was talking about. They're the ones who are here to remind us that there is still good in the world and that we have absolutely no excuse not to contribute to it.

Compassion is consideration and sympathy for pain and suffering, and it is free of judgement, hate, and criticism. It's the antithesis of an eating disorder because it emphasizes love an attunement, not disconnect and hate.

From Quotesgram

A friend dealing working on through own recovery process recently shared that her "teen-hood" will be ending soon and that she spent the majority of it with disordered eating behaviors. 

"Disordered thoughts weren't on my mind all the time, and I'm grateful to have had the adolescence I did. But, admittedly, every year was marked by some sort of disordered eating issue. Restriction, fear, overexercise . . . ."

That part about the thoughts not being on her mind "all the time" is significant to me because, for many people recovering from eating disorders, it can be easy to forget that the disordered mindset is abnormal and needs constant work. Obviously, it's good if you've found things in life to focus on that aren't body-related, but if you're happy or distracted until some food fear triggers you, then you've got more work to do and can't afford to stagnate in quasi-recovery. The tricky thing is that you actually have to work on recovering. Ugh, work, I know. Why can't we just decide one day to be recovered and then move on? Why do we have to consciously face change and uncertainty? Why can't it be easy?!

Every meal plan increase, exercise cut, or unplanned meal brings a chaotic cascade of discomfort, but that discomfort is just a reminder that the eating disorder isn't totally defeated yet. It may take a long time to go away completely, but until then our job is to be stronger than it is, even if that means consciously, actively choosing to combat it every day.  Just remember to focus on compassion, Mr. Rogers, and the fact that recovery is an active process.

Recovery is an opportunity to be your own hero, and then from there, you can be a hero for others, too.

<3