New Year's Recovery Goals

Happy New Year, loves! This can be a wonderful time for refreshing and reflecting, but it can also be a time that is fraught with self-judgement and self-hatred. I'm trying to make the season of twinkly lights and hymns last as long as possible, but as Christmas is now over, most of the media has shifted its attention to diets. I wrote quite a bit about the whole "new year, new me" mindset in my last post, and I'm definitely noticing just how much pressure there is to "make up for the holidays."

SIGH.

What are we really "making up" for? It's awesome to do things that make your body feel better--taking a walk with your family, eating something nourishing and warming, drinking a cup of tea--but please don't jump on the restriction bandwagon! It's crazy tempting, I know, but it's not worth it. I'm reading BrainwashED by Elisa Oras, and I've learned so much about how chronic dieting hurts our bodies. Think about it: how can our bodies trust us if we're constantly depriving them of nourishment and forcing them into insane exercise routines?

How our bodies feel when we're chronically dieting (Giphy)

Instead of setting yourself up for another round of what Elisa calls "Diet Merry-Go-Hell," how about taking 2019 as an opportunity to set yourself up for long-term health awesomeness? I'm proposing a challenge for all of us eating disorder warriors to actually get better. Woah, there, wait a second . . . what if that means changing physically? Change = scary!!

But isn't change the whole point of recovery? If I were healthy right now as I am, then why would I even need to recover?  

Snacks, increasing intake, getting rid of "sick" clothes, decreasing physical activity (see below) . . . these all freak Bellatrix* out, but if I want her to let me go, I need to make her as uncomfortable as possible. Even if that means she'll make me a bit uncomfortable in the process.

When you're not supposed to exercise in recovery . . . . (Giphy)

My "new year, new me" plans include doing most of the things that the fitness magazines tell you not to do, but, just like everyone else, I'm doing these things in order to get healthy. We're all different. If you're getting over anorexia, for instance, eating dessert every night may be just what you need to do in order to be the healthiest version of yourself. PLEASE, don't judge yourself, restrict yourself, or hurt yourself. Be your body's best friend. All your body wants to do is to keep you alive, so let it.

Talk to yourself like you love yourself, eat like you love yourself, and move (or rest) like you love yourself. Following breakfast, a morning snack, and lunch, I'm feeling kind of uncomfortable, but I'm sitting (not standing, running, or pacing!) with a heating pad and doing my homework. The fitness magazine says I should skip a morning snack, go on a run, and fast as long as I can, but I'm not going to do that because I've tried already tried all those things. I've done exactly what the magazines want me to do, and guess what? My skin dried out, I became irrationally afraid of eating, and I spent a good portion of high school stressing about how to avoid eating dessert at my birthday. I'm sick from Bellatrix, and I'm sick of Bellatrix. 2019 is not her year.

<3 <3 <3 

*Bellatrix is the name I use for the eating disorder voice in my head. Note that I adore Helena Bonham Carter and Harry Potter. I only call the eating disorder voice "Bellatrix" because I love movies and literature and Bellatrix is a really scary villain.

Keeping Your Head in Recovery

Eating disorders and the holidays . . . oh, my. Between missing deceased relatives, reconnecting with loved ones, dealing with stress, and trying to balance life, love, pain, and work, holidays are fraught with ambivalence for everyone, but eating disorders add an element of anxiety that most don't understand. Whenever my brother sees a look of fear cross my face at the mention of "dessert," he becomes visibly confused. Why on Earth would anyone be afraid of dessert?

I think what's most challenging about the holidays is that they're often full of unpredictability. They also bring back many memories. I'm incredibly grateful for the fact that I have a sweet family to spend the holidays with and spent much of yesterday wishing that the world were a fairer place and that everyone had a family to be with, and I also kept remembering all the holidays I had to go away from home (personal family reasons with divorce, etc.). Being away and travelling between strangers' houses was confusing, and I was homesick and full of allergies and eventually learned to associate holiday food times with feeling lonely, icky, and awful. When these associations meet with the food guilt of an eating disorder, the results are disastrous. 

I've mentioned this here before, but one of the therapy modalities that's been the most helpful for me in recovery is yoga. This morning, the yoga sequence I was following ended with this powerful quote from Thoreau: "It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see." 

I had my least anorexic Thanksgiving in a while yesterday. I ate all my regular meals and snacks, finished the entire dinner that my mum made, and had a bigger dessert than I would've served myself (and several items included sugar *gasp*). My mum baked things that were allergy-friendly, which I am so grateful for, but despite the love I felt for her and the work that went into making everything, I  still struggled to shake the taunting squeals of Bellatrix in my head. "You ate that! You ate that! You're so unhealthy! How will you make up for it?" 

My eating disorder when she wants to guilt-trip me:

Image from Yahoo

I hate it when Bellatrix yells at me like that. Not only is eating normal, but it's also something I need to do "a lot" (what does that even mean?) of because I'm still very much in recovery, regardless of whether or not I think I am. I managed to quiet Bellatrix enough to have a happy evening, but she showed up again this morning, threatening me with anxiety and guilt. After yoga, though, I repeated Thoreau's words in my head and realized that, even if I can't make Bellatrix go away, I can do my best to change my perception. Every time Bellatrix yells at me, I'm going to stand my ground and tell her that my choices are healthy for me. "I'm being healthy." I know healthy can be a triggering word, but I want to reclaim it from our detox-obsessed culture. In eating disorder recovery, "healthy" means being whole and making choices that nourish your body instead of those that deprive it.

This holiday season, Bellatrix is not invited. Let's keep our minds in recovery.

<3 <3 <3 

Honesty in Eating Disorder Recovery

I love yoga very, very much, and it makes me sad that, for many years, limiting beliefs surrounding exercise prevented me from ever really embracing the practice. It wasn't a "workout" like running was, so I didn't have time for it.

Ugh. I wish I could go back and tell my runner self that running = not for me. I wish I could tell her to tune into her intuition--not the voice in her head--and practice Satya.

Image from Authentic Self Yoga

Satya is the Yama of truthfulness. It's about being honest with yourself and with those around you, and it's a crucial component of successfully combating any eating disorder. The reality of eating disorder recovery is that it's hard. It's wrapped up in confusion, false beliefs, and a cult-like devotion to the idols of "purity" and "control," and there are times when it can feel like you have no idea where you are. Are you headed in the right direction? Are you even sick? What if you're doing it wrong? Why are you thinking about food all the time? Is this normal? What if this is normal?

If you're hyper-focused on food and have to ask yourself "is this normal?" all the time, then it most likely isn't. But I understand why you're stuck. I get that way, too. I know that my ultimate goal is to be recovered, but it's so so so easy to get distracted by something else--school, life in general--and then "forget" that I'm still not recovered yet.

This is where Satya comes in. If I'm being honest with myself, I know that I still have a lot of work to do to get better because I have way too many rules. And I also know that, if I want to get better, I need help. I need guidance, oversight, accountability. Friends, the eating disorder thrives on control, but you need to give some of that control up. Find someone you love and trust and practice Satya with them. Be fully honest. Ask for help.

I've been lucky to have a really supportive, loving family this entire time, but there are areas where I notice I still try to take control. And I don't think I'm fully ready for that yet, so I'm trying to practice more Satya in my life and ask for help. It's difficult to admit that you're not 100% there, but if you ever want to get better, you need to acknowledge that something is off. What's wonderful is that when you find that person who can help you--a parent, a sibling, a friend, a therapist--they're going to see you with love. They're not going to judge you. They want the best for you, too.

From TIME

It's going to be okay.

<3 <3 <3

Prescription for Compassion

I'm working on several papers at the moment, and one of them has to do with compassion, mindfulness, and the dire need for it in education (and in general life). There is so much tragedy in the news right now, and the UN's latest climate report is quite devastating, and it's all overwhelming, and I wish there were something I could do about it. But there just aren't any ruby slippers for curing the hate and pain in the world. It's got to be a process.

Found on Billboard.com

One of the fundamental elements of yoga is the idea of "ahimsa," which is the principle of nonviolence. There are different interpretations as to how to carry ahimsa into everyday life, but the essence of it (in my opinion) is compassion. Wouldn't a more compassionate world be a brighter, happier, healthier, safer place?

Compassion encourages prosocial behavior (i.e. sympathy in action), promotes well-being, and heals relationships (with ourselves and with others), but we don't give it the attention it deserves. Instead, we place the spotlight on success, independence, uniqueness, entrepreneurship, and determination. Is there anything wrong with that? No. But if success, independence, uniqueness, etc., aren't balanced out with a healthy dose of compassion, then we're just going to end up a world full of really driven people who don't care about each other enough to solve the crises we face. Scary, right?

What's great about compassion is that it can start right here and right now. By being compassionate in your daily life, you can help ease some of the burden of the "compassion deficit" that seems to plague the planet. And compassion is not only between you and those around you. Compassion for yourself is important, too . . . especially in eating disorder recovery. 

I hate to admit this, but one of my not-so-great recovery moments took place at a time when I could've chosen to meditate into the moment but instead allowed the inner demons to come in and start yelling at me. I don't like eating really late at night, but we were at an event that ran much later than expected, and we didn't end up getting home until after 9:00. So dinner at 9:30. That's not that big a deal, right? No, not at all. I'm serious about this--it. is. not. a. big. deal. But for some reason, the nasty little Gollum creature that likes to taunt me crept into my mind and started running on all my worry trails and yelling scary things. No one else could tell I was upset inside, or that I was battling an inner demon, but that didn't matter because I knew that I'd made the mistake of letting Gollum go all "my precious" about the eating hour.

What I'm hoping to get across with this post is that the eating disorder voice is the exact opposite of compassion. It is the anti-ahimsa, and it is something that we need less of in this world. Sometimes, it's easy to put up with the eating disorder voice because we're so used to having judgmental, critical thoughts about ourselves and don't feel "worthy" of self-compassion. But remember that self-compassion can help the planet because it needs more compassionate people right now. So if you can't bring yourself to practice compassion for your sake, do it for someone else's. That's helped me. I try to picture someone I really love and then ask myself how I would want them to treat themselves. Would I want them to get all freaked out inside about when they ate? Or would I want them to just breathe, relax, and let go?  

Found on Pinterest.com (Elephant image at top = also from Pinterest.com)

<3

 

Stop Being Scared of Recovery

It's so much easier to be scared in eating disorder recovery than it is to be brave. The entire process--entering the unknown, shedding an "identity" (however false it may be), doing everything that's counter-intuitive, willingly getting uncomfortable--is quite frightening from the outside. Is it worth it? What if, what if, what if . . . ?

As someone who's not even done recovering yet, I'm right there with you with the fear and angst. But there comes a moment when you realize you don't really have a choice anymore. I can either let my eating disorder control me and my life and steal my health and youth, or I can take action. That's the key: taking action. Being brave. DOING recovery instead of just giving it lip service.

Here's the good news, though: recovery does not have to suck. Yes, you read that correctly. This whole ordeal doesn't necessarily need to be the "ugh" that we've made it out to be. Find ways to enjoy recovery so that it's sustainable and loving instead of forced and unpleasant! I, for instance, have discovered the joy in yoga and am learning to see it as something beyond a "form of exercise." Thinking in terms of "exercise" is detrimental to my mental health (and therefore to my physical health), so I keep reminding myself that yoga is an ancient and all-encompassing life practice and that the asanas are fun and flowy and that I don't "have" to do any specific routine to "do yoga." 

Speaking of which . . . . 

I've also found recipes that make nourishment more appealing. For a long time, I've avoided so many of these recipes I'm going to make now because I was afraid they had too many calories. Even when I wasn't trying to be afraid, I unconsciously tallied calories up in my head. Two dates in that shake? That's too much. 

But what's the freaking point of doing that anymore? When my blood sugar gets too low, I get angsty, moody, irritable, and actually begin to fear food more than when I've just eaten. Earlier today, when my blood sugar wasn't too low for me to think properly, I saw a banana-date shake recipe online and decided that it looked really yummy and would be a fun snack for the afternoon. Immediately, a little voice popped into my head and said, "But your normal snack is much smaller!" On any other day, I would've given into this voice, but today I told the voice to shut up. I remembered what I'd learned in yoga--that our perception determines our reality and that we can control our reactions--and I decided that I was going to make myself a banana-date smoothie with all the nut butter and protein powder I wanted to add to it just because I could. And I did. And it was awesome. I was "doing recovery," and it didn't involve any sweat or pain. It was fun. It tasted like bananas!

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