Recipes for Self-Love and Recovery

My grandmother passed on the August that I began third grade. It's difficult to believe it's already been eleven years since then, but it has.

My grandmother helped raise me. She helped me learn to read, and she was the one who first introduced me to Eckhart Tolle and Louise Hay. I didn't know how sick she was until I got into elementary school. That's when I learned from her and my mum about lupus and autoimmune diseases.

Louise Hay

My grandmum's chronic stress and chronic illnesses eventually caught up to her. She was 58 when she had a heart attack and stroke within two days of each other. We watched her pass on, and then we cremated her and put her ashes in a little biodegradable box with flowers on it.

One of my favorite photos of my grandmum is one in which we're baking a pie together. I was three and of course had pumpkin puree all over my face, and she was standing across from me smiling, with her red hair tied up in a scrunchie and a dishtowel draped over her shoulder. I've been thinking of that photo a lot lately. My grandmum was amazing at inventing recipes that met vegetarian and food sensitivity needs. I remember having her pumpkin bread at Christmas and tasting the maple syrup off the mixing spoon and never feeling "bad" or "sick." When I traveled away to visit people, my sensitivities would flare up and cause skin rashes and stomach aches, but at home, I always felt good after eating. Here's to being five again!

Somewhere along the line, a combination of stress and peer pressure and homesickness made me decide that whatever physical issues I had--acne, etc.--could be cured by drastically restricting my food intake. Brilliant plan, right? #fail

All bodies are different, and our bodies are always changing. I have issues with mold and dust, and my skin does not tolerate dairy and gluten very well. Some of us do brilliantly on dairy and gluten, though. My brother loves mozzarella and goat cheese, for instance, and he can tolerate dust much more than I can, but he is seriously allergic to carrots. The reason everyone eats so differently is that we all have unique needs. In Ayurveda, the uniqueness of every individual person is emphasized. I know people who love meat proteins (if you do buy meat, please try to find as humane a provider as possible to #supportmamaearth). Meanwhile. I love almond butter on rice and sweet potatoes and bananas. Fats + Carbs = YAY.

Where am I going with this, though? Right, food restriction . . . .

Basically, I started counting calories and labeling foods a few years ago, and before I knew it, I was in a sad, isolated world. A world without pumpkin bread because I didn't know its "caloric value." Let's quit the "calories in, calories out" gig already, okay? It isn't helping us. The other day, I saw a quote from Vanessa Palencia: "Y'all saying we need to count our calories/macros, but I think Mother Nature would have carved nutrition facts into tree trunks if that were the case."

Isn't that brilliant? Mother Nature did not put nutrition fact labels on trees, or on rocks, or even in our instincts, so why do we idolize them? Why have I idolized them?

I took a break from cleaning, studying, and lesson-planning (#tutorlife) to do some baking for my family and neighbors. I made oatmeal muffins and then went to make myself some muffins, and without even realizing it, I'd added several cups of rice flour to a mixing bowl but wasn't really "measuring" anything. In the very recent past, I've been subject to this need to know exactly how much is going into the batter mix so that I don't "mess up" (translation: add too much/more than usual), but all that meticulous measuring really takes the joy out of baking. Yes, it's good to have a general idea of cups, tablespoons, etc., so that you can put a recipe together, but baking isn't an AP Chem lab, and it shouldn't be treated like one. It should be treated like a fun, relaxing, love-filled activity . . . just like it was when my grandmum and I were making pies together!

When we're eating compassionately and cooking compassionately, our bodies are magically able to keep themselves working well. Love food, love your body, love others. And if you need a little help getting started, I'm sharing a fun oatmeal muffin recipe that I make for my grandfather every week :). These muffins are gluten-free and vegan-friendly, and the only sweetener is maple syrup. They will give you a healthy dose of fiber and protein thanks to the oats, and they'll keep you feeling warmed, nourished, and happy.

Papa's Oatmeal Muffins (GF/Vegan-friendly)

Makes approx. 14 muffins

Dry Ingredients
1 1/3 cups oat flour
3 cups rolled oats
2 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp ginger
1 tsp cardamon
Pinch baking powder
1 cup raisins

Wet Ingredients
1/4 cup maple syrup
1/3 cup walnut oil (or other oil if nut-sensitive)
1/2 cup water
1 1/2 cups apple puree/apple sauce
Drop of vanilla extract

Directions

1. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees (F).
2. In a bowl, mix together dry ingredients thoroughly. Have fun and add extra raisins if you love chewiness!
3. In another bowl, mix together wet ingredients. 
4. Stir wet ingredients into dry ingredients until a thick, sticky batter forms.
5. Using a big spoon, ladle the batter into a muffin tin. (You can oil the tin with coconut oil or another kind of oil to prevent sticking or use muffin tin liners. My favorite tin liners are by If You Care, and they're biodegradable and bleach-free.)
6. Carefully put muffin tins into the preheated oven and bake for 20 minutes, or until a fork comes out clean. Remember to remove the muffin tin with a mitt on so you don't burn yourself!
7. Yay, muffins!

<3 <3 <3

No More Body Judgement

I've been wanting to write something here, but now that classes have started again, all my writing time is dedicated to essays, responses, and tests. I'm grateful that this morning I'm getting to sneak some non-academic writing before going back to work.

Today's post is about nourishment and gratitude, and while I know these are sort of "buzzwords" right now, I really hope that you take them to heart. I recently discovered Thrive Through Yoga by Nicola Jane Hobbs, and going through the daily exercises (which include a meditation and a yoga practice) has been helping me to see life through a softer lens. Nicola refers to OCD and eating disorders as "cosy little hell[s]." Such a description couldn't be more accurate! I've talked about the "little hate hole" before, and a "cosy little hell" is very similar: both are easy places to get stuck in, and they seem familiar, but they're insidiously sucking the "you" out of your life.

Compassion--for yourself and for the world around you--is emphasized by Thrive Through Yoga (and by yoga in general), and remembering compassion has aided me in breaking free from negative thinking loops. The fact of the matter is that we're surrounded by stimuli that have the potential to make us feel badly. Opening a magazine, for instance, can trigger thoughts of comparison, low self-esteem, and self-criticism. I love Free People's bohemian aesthetic, but I have to admit that sometimes their ads make me start worrying about how I look. I'm glad that brands like Aerie are starting to take more of an inclusive approach to advertising, and I really like the #AerieReal campaign because it features a more diverse range of models. When we're exposed to a beauty spectrum as opposed to a beauty ideal, we aren't as hard on ourselves, and we recognize that all bodies are unique and special and valuable.

Found on Soon to be RD

A major roadblock in eating disorder recovery is body judgement. Allowing our bodies to be their healthiest selves is essential to recovery, but we've been living by a list of rules for so long that proper nourishment and relaxation feel "unnatural." When we eat enough and finally release the need to "work everything off," we may experience anxiety and worry. What will happen to us if we eat "normally"? How will we survive without creating a deficit? There are so many hypothetical catastrophes in our heads that we're tempted to give up on recovery and return to the familiarity of disordered eating and overexercising.

PLEASE, do not give into that temptation! Forgive yourself if you relapse or consider relapsing, but remember that the ultimate goal is to be healthy, not to look x way or weigh y amount. There isn't a "wrong way" to have a body. 

<3 

Acne and Other Insecurities

Since middle school, I've struggled a lot with acne, scarring, and generally sensitive skin. I'm not quite sure whether my skin is "dry" or "oily" since it seems to vacillate between both states quite regularly, sometimes being both simultaneously! My hands and elbows, for instance, tend to be very dry and cracked, but on my face I have issues with clogged pores and frequent breakouts. Our skin is our largest organ, and for me, it's the first to react to allergens, stress, or lack of sleep. If I'm really worried about work or school, I'll wake up in the morning with a lovely red mark on my cheek or forehead. It's like a little reminder that I need to chill out.

While my skin has improved significantly over the years, I still have scars, and whenever I get a breakout, it not only hurts physically but also causes me a lot of insecurity. I look in the mirror and feel ugh because my nose is red and my face has puffed up around acne spots. 

From The Care and Keeping of You, a book my mum got me in middle school 

When I was thirteen and my acne was at its worst, a younger relative walked up to me and suggested that I "wash my face." Though this child meant well, their advice wasn't incredibly helpful because I already did wash my face. I washed it, I slathered creams and masks on it, I covered it in burning ointments, and I did my best to avoid things that aggravated it (dairy, lemon rinds, gluten, dust, and mold*). I also wore concealers and powders to make my acne less noticeable. 

Long story short: I put a lot more effort into my skin than most of my peers did, yet many of them had clearer skin than I did, and when my relative told me that I needed to "wash my face," he was basically suggesting that my acne was entirely in my control. It wasn't, it isn't, and it never will be.

I'm not writing this to complain about my skin woes or anything like that . . . I'm writing it to point out a major flaw in how we perceive others. Because of all the products, diets, programs, and remedies that we see in ads, we've come to believe that appearance is pretty much entirely dependent on how "hard" we work and how much "effort" we put in. There's this myth that if I follow a celebrity's diet and fitness plan, I'll wake up looking just like her one day, but the truth is that I will never have Taylor Swift's long legs no matter how many leg lifts I do.  I'm 5'2". She's 5'10".

Yes, lifestyle can have an impact on health. Exposure to toxic chemicals, antibiotic-laden meat, and major pesticides isn't "good" for any creature, human or otherwise. Getting some sort of fun, joyful activity--whether that's walking with your kids or dancing to 1980's pop music--benefits your mood and fitness. Washing your face helps keep it clean. By all means, treat your body respectfully.

But don't get caught up in the lie that appearance is a direct product of effort. The shapes of our bodies, whether or not we get acne or cellulite, and how symmetrical our faces are don't fall under the realm of our control. We're born who we are. It's not our responsibility to become Cindy Crawford.

<3 <3 <3 

*Please note that these are what cause me breakouts. Everyone has different sensitivities, and products with dairy and gluten can have amazing health benefits for some people! Don't fear food. Learn what works for your body!

Eating Without Fear

Today I made the conscious decision to eat without fear. If the goal of food is nourishment, energy, and joy, then eating with fear and anxiety is definitely not the way to go. If you're trying not to restrict, remember that goodness is what matters, not calories. I like having muffins and fruit and almond butter at lunch, but today I got motivated to make a mango mousse out of the Deliciously Ella cookbook my mum got me. I normally either wouldn't have made the mousse or would've had it instead of my regular lunch, but instead, I added it to my regular lunch and ate it excitedly. I didn't think, "Oh, I'm eating 'more' than usual" because a) every day is different and b) it's what I wanted! And guess what? I felt fine afterwards! There have been days when I've eaten less at lunch than I usually do and actually have ended up feeling worse and more uncomfortable/lethargic/etc. than I would've had I eaten normally (or "more" than normally).

From Deliciously Ella

When you're getting over a restrictive eating disorder, you've got all these thoughts in your head telling you what you should be eating and how much you should be eating and when you should be eating and how you should be eating. Tell those thoughts to BUG OFF and go put some mousse on your muffins.

<3 <3 <3

Anxiety, Body Image, and Other Lovely Reasons to Just Chill Already

The challenge of maintaining a work-school-life balance returns as soon as the alarm goes off on Monday morning.

From Giphy (OMG, so adorable!)

The imminence of our brief "holiday" (i.e. work from home) time ending is a bit anxiety-provoking, but yesterday at Mass, I realized that gratitude is so much more convenient, beneficial, and compassionate than fear and worry are. I'm incredibly grateful to have an education, jobs, and a place to come home to at night, and when I choose to focus on this instead of on all the things I could be panicking about, the jigsaw pieces of life fit together much more easily than they do when my thoughts are scattered and freaked out.

Giphy

Of course, it's much easier to just sit here and write about mindfulness than it is to actually put mindfulness into practice. We don't just wake up one day feeling all zen and Yoda-like (just ask Luke Skywalker about that!). Sometimes, anxiety sweeps in and decides to take over everything. This morning, for instance, I found my mind drowning in overwhelm. I couldn't focus on anything, and my thoughts were going way too quickly for me to keep up with them. I wanted so badly to slow down but at the same time felt that I had to go faster and faster. Ugh, right?

One of the great things about science is that, at times like these, we can use it to understand what's going on in our bodies. The spike in cortisol and adrenaline that accompanies panicked, distressed feelings produces certain physiological reactions: shallow breathing, shaking, sweating, etc. Anyone who's ever heard a yoga instructor before knows that the breath plays a major role in regulating how we feel at any given time, and we can harness the breath to our advantage by focusing on deep inhales and long, relaxing exhales. Yoga, tai chi, qigong, and meditation are wonderful practices for building awareness and contentment because of their incorporation of mindful breathing. By linking breaths to different postures, a yoga "flow" encourages us to stop paying attention to whatever is going on in our head (body-bashing, self-criticism, fear, etc.) and instead pay attention to our inhale/exhale patterns. As we calm down, our breaths become fuller and deeper, and we experience a sort of "lightness" in our bodies that is only accessible via the one-and-only parasympathetic nervous system.

Breathing--that amazing function that so many of us take for granted--keeps us alive. It nourishes us with oxygen and gives us a vehicle through which to expel negative energy, but when we're caught up in anxiety, we let the bad feelings fester and don't allow the breath to help us. When I looked in the mirror the other day and decided I didn't like what I saw because x wasn't flat enough and my hair wasn't y enough, my breath became shallow, and negativity built up inside me. I started thinking about all the things I needed to do . . . restrict, add cardio, etc., etc., etc. Did any of those thoughts help me? NO. They suffocated me--physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Don't let your thoughts suffocate you, loves. Remember that you aren't a body. "You're a soul. You have a body." 

And nourish that soul--nourish yourself--with sincere, healing breaths. 

Art by Michelle Eshleman

<3 <3 <3

Empowered, Not "In Control"

It's Sunday, loves! Mars goes into retrograde this week, there are wildfires, and every time I check the news for something positive, I'm left with a fearful feeling deep in the pit of my stomach. Thank goodness for cute animals . . . I don't know what we'd do without the inspiration and encouragement that comes from stories like these:

"Squirrel Keeps Visiting Her Human Mom After Her Release" 

(The Dodo Soulmates)

"Elephant Mom Crying for Help Leads Rescuers 

to Her Trapped Baby" (The Dodo)

And here's the tarantula that Nicole Kidman rescued from a swimming pool:

I hope these little animal news updates brought some sunshine to you today. We're so often caught up in what's going on in the human world that we tend to forget about the nature that's happening all around us, but whenever we take a step out of our own lives and remember Mother Earth and her creatures, breathing becomes just a bit easier. I know I can't speak for everyone, but for me, remembering that I'm just one person on a pale blue sphere in the middle of an ever-expanding universe is comforting. It makes the worries and intrusive thoughts less powerful.

Taking power away from our anxieties and preoccupations is the best way to fuel a positive, proactive power within ourselves. At times it may seem that having control over everything is the key to comfort and confidence, but control isn't sustainable. I mean, think about it: we live in this massive universe, and it's still getting bigger, yet we've become convinced that we can control what happens in it.

From NASA

Us: "We can control everything! We need to predict and control everything in order to be safe!"
The Universe: "LOL."

Releasing our worried obsessiveness over control is way more empowering than a false sense of control ever will be. In the same way, making love-based choices is way more empowering than making fear-based choices. 

A friend of mine recently shared her story of finding the joy of meditation, a practice that she used to despise. "My mind raced so quickly that I thought meditation was a waste of time," she told me, "but then when I started slowing down on purpose, I realized that I felt so much better than I did when I was pushing myself to go faster." She found that calmness was more empowering than aggression, and she realized that if she could learn to love meditation, she could learn to love herself, too.

When we make love-based choices, we're nourishing ourselves, giving back, holding space, and living a life that's colorful and compassionate. When we make fear-based choices, we're starving, holding our breath, running away, and living in a box. 

BOXES! Great for shipping. Not for living.

<3 <3 <3 

Authenticity and Being Imperfect

"Authentic" has become a bit of a buzzword recently, but I think that we may be using it incorrectly. I mean, it almost seems that authenticity is now just another type of perfection--another standard for us to live up to. "Be your authentic self" has turned into a goal that we need to "strive for," but true authenticity doesn't require that much striving. When we're really authentic, we're not trying to seem authentic or act authentic because authenticity isn't acting.

One of the biggest blocks to authenticity is this idea that we need to be "perfect." How do I look? What does ___ think of my outfit? Is __ right?  All of these thoughts and worries just create anxiety and pull us from the moment. How can we ever be fully present when we're busy thinking about our posture or skin or hair?

What's awesome is that none of us have to be perfect. We're not meant to be. We're meant to be loving and compassionate and caring, sure, but perfect? Perfect isn't possible, and when we just accept that and act like our normal selves, our relationships and experiences with others are much more meaningful for both us and those we are with. Isn't it more fun to be with your friends when they're being themselves than it is when they're trying to act like someone else? 

Let's drop the pressure to be perfect. Just let it fall to the floor like baggage you don't need anymore.

Gilmore Girls GIF from HerCampus

When we stop trying to be perfect and start focusing on being authentic, sincere, and kind, we can participate in life more fully. Treat yourself like you'd treat your friends, remember that sincerity is adorable, and make the most of today. 

Never Been Kissed GIF from Popsugar

<3 <3 <3 

How Thoughts Influence the Body

We're thinking of our bodies all wrong, friends. They're not meant to be measured, valued, or judged based on how they appear and what they can do, and when we critique and analyze every inch of ourselves, we're putting a wall up between ourselves and happiness. 

Science is now showing that our thoughts actually wield pretty significant influence over our bodies.  Thinking positive obviously isn't going to cure or solve everything, but each thought has energy capable of programming cells and neural networks. When we're thinking negative thoughts, for instance, certain neuropeptides are released, and these neuropeptides alter cells and create the reactions that go with our negative thinking. The more often our cells are exposed to negative neuropeptides, the fewer receptors ours cells will have for positive neuropeptides. In other words, our cells will be primed to be in a sad/angry/upset/stressed state. Oh, no!

But the good news here is this: if we consciously try to change our thinking patterns and catch ourselves when we fall into negative spirals, we can reverse the cascade of negative neuropeptides and start reinforcing positive neuropeptides that associate with happy receptors. Yay! 

Every cell in your body is replaced about every two months. So, the good news is, you can reprogram your pessimistic cells to be more optimistic by adopting positive thinking practices, like mindfulness and gratitude, for permanent results.  

-Debbie Hampton, "How Your Thoughts Change Your Brain, Cells and Genes"

 Try to harness the power of mindfulness and positive thinking in your recovery. Instead of thinking, "I ate that, and now I'm going to feel awful," think, "I'm nourishing my body to be the healthiest, strongest version of itself, and I know my body better than any diet plan does."

Take time to slow down and breathe, too. I find that when I'm trying to go fastfastfast to avoid "feeling" something, I often end up feeling much worse than I would have had I chosen to just sit with whatever I was going through and work through it calmly.

<3 <3 <3

A Life Way Beyond Your Eating Disorder

Sunday, loves. We have lots of work today, but there are birds outside, and their sweet little voices make everything easier. This video of a kitty who thinks she's a husky helps, too:

SO ADORABLE.

Last week, I walked into a gym for the first time in a long time and then left because the mini trampoline was already taken. It was amazing to just leave without feeling guilty, and while I'll admit that I'm not 100% "easy-breezy" yet, I am definitely in a much better place than I was when I ran every single day. As I've said before, running can be wonderful and awesome for some of us, but we're all different, and we need different things at different times in our lives. Right now, running is not ideal for me, and if you're also in recovery, it may not be ideal for you, either. It takes a lot of energy and endurance to push yourself fast and far, and, like it or not, recovery is a time of restoration, not exertion.

I know, I know . . . "restoration" and "recovery" don't sound fun, do they? They're not glamorous or exciting. They aren't the big neon words printed on the cover of Shape magazine, and they definitely aren't sewn onto a gym tote bag. And there definitely isn't as much "recoveryspo" as there is fitspo! But, before you fall into a little hate hole and start getting angry at the world and at everyone in your life who is encouraging you to let go of your eating disorder, remember that true health is not about a size or a macro count or a diet plan. True health is about treating your body and mind respectfully so that you can be fully present in your life and actually do something meaningful with it.

Image from Mad Kitty Media

Releasing the guilt and anxiety complexes around diet, fitness, and beauty is liberating, isn't it? When "health" is characterized by treating yourself with the respect and compassion needed to live life presently and fully, then it seems so much more achievable than it does when it's characterized by strict rules and routines.  As soon as you release the inelastic and unloving beliefs that your eating disorder pushes on you, your whole life opens up. You reconnect with yourself, with your spirit, and with your body.

<3 <3 <3

Yoga-ing All Day

I used to fear double pigeon pose, but since I began doing it every day, it's gotten easier. I'm learning to push through the discomfort and just be in my body, working with it as opposed to against it. It's easy to start judging yourself in yoga. You're trying to do a forward fold or wheel pose or get your knee aligned above your ankle, and then all of a sudden you're noticing how your thigh doesn't look "right" or how uncomfortable it feels to brush against your own side.

But then, when you sit with that discomfort and breathe into it and just observe it, you can get out of your head and into your body and realize that your body isn't 'wrong." It's not imperfect or flawed; it's just what it is. It doesn't need to be changed. 

Initially, it can be scary to accept and ease into the moment--to really settle into every line and mark and fold and curve of your body--but the magic lies in softness. If it were easy to be relaxed and comfortable with and in yourself, then mindfulness/yoga/etc. wouldn't be a practice. It'd just be something we wake up doing!

Even if the experience of being "in" yourself is difficult at first, know that, the more you practice it, the more natural it will be become. When I slip into disordered eating patterns, I tend to become hyper-focused on a specific body part. I'm very aware of my stomach and then start analyzing it, judging it, and wondering why it doesn't look like it "should." UGH. All this does is push me into my deep, dark little hate hole of insecurity and despair. When I'm trapped in the hate hole, it's really hard to climb out. I'm also usually accompanied by Gollum. He's sitting there cradling the One Ring while I cradle my self-criticism, self-doubt, and body dysmorphia. Needless to say, neither Gollum nor I has a particularly pleasant time in the little hate hole, and I highly recommend that you avoid going down there/ It is not a fun place to be!

Today, instead of leaping into the insecurity spiral, I focused on just going through the yoga movements mindfully and acting as an observer to my thoughts. We can all do this. It takes practice, and it isn't always easy, but it's better than sharing a cave with Gollum. The next time you're starting to judge your body, take a minute to step out of your head and back into your being. The thoughts can come, but they don't have to determine how you feel about yourself.  Breathe in for three counts and breathe out for four counts. Longer exhalations lower anxiety. And yoga poses like tree and Warrior II can help to ground you. They say, "Hey, let's get out of the head space and into the body space! Soft and strong!"

Soft and strong. In body, in mind, in actions.

<3 <3 <3