Your Body Needs Rest

Happy October! It's midterms week at my uni, and I'm wandering around my apartment in a bathrobe and several sweaters. Some variation of a stomach virus/flu that I wasn't even aware was going around right now has hit me rather hard.

Being sick makes me very emotional.

I really, really don't like missing class (especially during tests), and I'm immensely grateful for how sympathetic and understanding my professors have been. I'm studying and working on homework today in between waves of nausea, and I'm hoping that my ability to function today isn't just the result of it being morning (fevers tend to spike at night, sigh).

What's funny is that--just two days ago--I sat with Shakti Gawain's Creative Visualization and Gail Swanson's The Heart of Love (a book of divine feminine/Mary Magdalene wisdom) and asked the spirits/universe for guidance. I confessed that I'm still in a relationship with my eating disorder, and I attempted to visualize myself healing and finally going through with the break up that I know will ultimately set me free after six years.

As soon as I woke up the next morning, I knew something had shifted, and it didn't feel good. I went to school hoping that things would resolve themselves, but I ended up crying on the floor that evening with a 101F fever and so much nausea I could hardly think about food (never mind diet or recipe books). One Exorcist-like event (which I don't wish to provide too many details on) later, I was unconscious on the couch, and only now am I able to look at my computer screen to do homework.

While working at my desk, I saw the Creative Visualization book and began wondering if there's perhaps some kind of "cosmic significance" to being sick right now. I know that not everything has to be divinely ordained, but the spiritual side of me can't help but to recognize the specialness in the fact that I prayed and visualized healing on Sunday night (right after a New Moon) and then woke up with the worst sickness I've had in years.

New Moons are times for "new beginnings." They give us the opportunity to release whatever has been holding us back, and perhaps being sick right now is a wake-up call for me. The universe is punishing me for pushing myself all the time and refusing to listen to my body's needs. I've spent too much time rejecting my body's signals. Anyone who has ever had an eating disorder understands what I'm talking about.

Hungry? Wait. Tired? Walk more, go harder, move faster. Sick? You can't get sick! Rest? How lazy!

When we let Gollum/Bellatrix/the ED voice control us, we prioritize control over balance and health. I, for one, have allowed control to stamp out the yin/Kapha/calm from my life, and now I'm paying the price. I'm being forced to slow down. I'm too tired to work out or clean, and I'm too nauseated to think about food as anything other than sustenance (i.e. no more weird food obsession).

The stomach ache, the nausea, the muscle aches, the chills, the fever . . . these symptoms are all really unpleasant, but instead of viewing them as "unfair" or "inconvenient," I'm going to recognize them as signs from my body that I need to tune back into her needs. I need to stop pushing her so much and allow her to rest so that she can heal.

If you're reading this, I hope you realize just how important it is to practice awareness with your body. Developing a nurturing relationship with your body. Don't punish it, starve it, or ignore it. It's made of stardust and does not deserve to be abused and tossed about like some sort of object, and if you push it too hard, it will break down.

We aren't invincible. The ED voice likes to tell us that we'll be invincible if we allow restriction, fear, etc., to run our lives, but the ED voice is a notorious liar.  The ED voice damages everything--organs, relationships, souls. Tell the ED voice you're not going to listen to it anymore.

"Let us imagine that life is a river. Most people are clinging to the bank, afraid to let go and risk being carried along by the current of the river. At a certain point, each of us must be willing to simply let go, and trust the river to carry us along safely. At this point, we learn to 'go with the flow'--and it feels wonderful."
-Shakti Gawain

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Images used in this post are not mine :). They were found on Giphy and Pinterest.