Living the Life You Want to Live

I want to start this by saying that my thoughts and prayers go out to anyone who is struggling right now. I have family and friends in Texas, and the situation there is just one example of the incredible suffering that is going on in the world at any given time. I'm an INFJ/P, and if I start thinking too much about all the pain that others are experiencing (humans, animals, plants. . . even fictional characters), I get a bit overwhelmed. I don't want to open this on a negative note (this post is meant to be inspiring, I promise!), but I think that--as much as acknowledging the pain around us can be triggering--it can also be a source of motivation for getting better.

A few weeks ago, Florence Welch wrote:

 "I am 7 years sober today. I send my love and support to anyone who is struggling. If you are feeling shaky around ED issues, drugs or alcohol, I completely understand. The desire to disassociate is so strong. But please don’t give up. We are going to need you on the other side."

As I'm working on moving through this most recent relapse, I keep thinking of Florence's words and the idea of "the other side." Anorexia is really, really limiting. As someone who's been battling it for seven years, I can tell you that it doesn't help anyone. Not you, not your friends, not your family . . . and certainly not the world. But don't feel guilty. Just as I didn't decide to fall into anorexia, orthorexia, or exercise addiction, you, too, didn't wake up one day and choose to stop eating. But recovery IS a choice. A difficult choice that leads to a long journey, but a choice nonetheless.

And here's the beauty of working towards "the other side"--you have the chance to base your life on your values. You can start living the life you want to live today. Isn't that wonderful? 

What are your values? What version of yourself do you want to be? The version that can enjoy dessert with her mum, read a book instead of going for a run, and volunteer at the SPCA without worrying about what she's going to eat for lunch, or the version that is too afraid to do anything but micromanage her eating and exercise habits? I've been the latter version of myself for far too long. In my relapse, I sort of lost sight of the potential to "get better for real," but I decided on Lunar New Year to commit to living the life I want to live. 

Of course, this (like so many things) is easier said than done. I recently downloaded the BrighterBite app for eating disorder recovery, and it is a wonderful, free tool (with an adorable aesthetic) that I highly recommend to anyone who feels bullied by their thoughts. I'm also starting therapy again. Having someone (or multiple people, ideally) outside of you holding you accountable can be fundamental for making progress. Getting this support system requires a lot of honesty, though. The anorexia voice may tell you that keeping your fears a secret will keep you "safe," but honesty is what's going to save you. I promise. This week, I admitted to my mum that--despite being 1000% times healthier than I was a year ago--I've been harboring fears around carbohydrates. The anorexia voice had me convinced that I couldn't eat the same bread as my mum and brother with my lunch because that would be "too many carbs at lunch." Flashback to my childhood, when my brother and I had the same lunches most days. I was completely healthy having hummus on a bagel or sunflower seed bread with almond butter, yet the anorexia voice would like to convince me that I "can't" eat those sorts of things anymore. UGH.

Well, after being honest about this both with myself and with my mum and "challenging" myself with the gluten-free bread my brother eats, I realized that the anorexia voice is (once again) lying to me. And even better than realizing that is realizing that I now have the freedom to, for instance, shop at a wider variety of stores because I'm no longer afraid of carbs at lunch. (Side note: We're GF because of Celiac in my family, and Canyon Bakehouse bread is really, really yummy--and it comes in recyclable packaging!)

If you're looking for permission to step outside of your comfort zone, open up about your worries, and start living a life on your terms (not anorexia's!), please take this post as a sign that all of these things are not only totally safe but also incredibly rewarding. When I start worrying about recovery being scary or bad, I remember that my life is so much better now than it was when I was in the deepest depths of anorexia. I'm on this journey with you, and as someone who is recovering, I want you to know that you CAN do it and that it is definitely WORTH it. 

<3 Frances 

Images from Giphy.

On Navigating a Slight Eating Disorder Relapse

Lunar New Year is tomorrow. In the class where I teach, we made paper dragons to scare away bad luck, and at home, I'm sweeping the kitchen and hanging some red lanterns in honor of my own Chinese heritage and my hope that the coming year will call in the sturdiness, resilience, and courage of the Ox. My grandmother was a Rat, and given how incredibly challenging last year was, I attribute any of the good that came during it (such as the election, etc.) to her and the communion of spirit guides of which she is now a member. I was raised with a very eclectic spirituality that blends Taoist oneness with the statues of the Virgin Mary tucked away into Irish grottoes and nature worship, and throughout my recovery, I've been fighting to reconnect with the part of myself that believes in Chang'e and Mary Magdalene. (This is the same part that also loves making toast to enjoy while writing and reading--a part I've tried to crush beneath aggressive "should's" and "have to's".) But I'm not always as brave as I'd like to be, and after naively thinking I was fully recovered this summer, I incidentally slipped back into anorexic thinking patterns a few months ago after some stressful triggers I didn't expect would affect me. Like seeing someone from high school at the store. Backsliding wasn't intentional. It just happened, and while I look and feel 1000% better than I did two years ago, my brain and body still have some healing to do. 

Okay. Maybe a lot of healing. Even if you're far along in recovery, an eating disorder/anxiety disorder can make you go from feeling on top of the world one moment to feeling angry at yourself and very sad the next. I have tremendous gratitude for all the love in my life, but in the moments that the bully voice is yelling at me, I can't help but to miss childhood and the way it felt to be entirely free of any compulsions to control what I eat or how I move.  Something that's helped me is remembering who I used to look up to--Amélie Poulain, Violet Baudelaire, and Padmé Amidala. These are characters who lead out of love rather than out of fear.  

Somewhere along the way, though, my connection to my heart broke under the weight of anxiety and pressures to abandon my spirituality in favor of competitive Western individualism.

In other words, I stopped believing in faeries. 

And now that I have the perspective (thank you, nutrition!) to at least admit I'm struggling, I have the hope of getting better--for real this time. This summer let me know that it's possible, even if I'm still a bit of an addict. Thinking of an eating disorder as an addiction can be helpful because, like other addictions, eating disorders lead to compulsive behaviors and alter the reward centers in our brains. Exercise can become a compulsion that initially leaves us feeling "high," but over time, that high goes away, and all that's left is someone so desperate to feel "numb" or "safe" that they're willing to sacrifice everything just for a few more minutes on the treadmill. Same with unhealthy fasting. It's not an answer to anything--just a temporary high that comes with long-term consequences.

I'm writing this to let you know that relapses are okay and that you still have permission to heal. If you've relapsed--even if just slightly--you still deserve to do the work to get better. You have permission to have the life you want to have. You can learn to believe in faeries again, and as we all know from Peter Pan, that's all it takes to bring them back to life.

<3 Frances

Images are not mine. 

Your Body Needs Rest

Happy October! It's midterms week at my uni, and I'm wandering around my apartment in a bathrobe and several sweaters. Some variation of a stomach virus/flu that I wasn't even aware was going around right now has hit me rather hard.

Being sick makes me very emotional.

I really, really don't like missing class (especially during tests), and I'm immensely grateful for how sympathetic and understanding my professors have been. I'm studying and working on homework today in between waves of nausea, and I'm hoping that my ability to function today isn't just the result of it being morning (fevers tend to spike at night, sigh).

What's funny is that--just two days ago--I sat with Shakti Gawain's Creative Visualization and Gail Swanson's The Heart of Love (a book of divine feminine/Mary Magdalene wisdom) and asked the spirits/universe for guidance. I confessed that I'm still in a relationship with my eating disorder, and I attempted to visualize myself healing and finally going through with the break up that I know will ultimately set me free after six years.

As soon as I woke up the next morning, I knew something had shifted, and it didn't feel good. I went to school hoping that things would resolve themselves, but I ended up crying on the floor that evening with a 101F fever and so much nausea I could hardly think about food (never mind diet or recipe books). One Exorcist-like event (which I don't wish to provide too many details on) later, I was unconscious on the couch, and only now am I able to look at my computer screen to do homework.

While working at my desk, I saw the Creative Visualization book and began wondering if there's perhaps some kind of "cosmic significance" to being sick right now. I know that not everything has to be divinely ordained, but the spiritual side of me can't help but to recognize the specialness in the fact that I prayed and visualized healing on Sunday night (right after a New Moon) and then woke up with the worst sickness I've had in years.

New Moons are times for "new beginnings." They give us the opportunity to release whatever has been holding us back, and perhaps being sick right now is a wake-up call for me. The universe is punishing me for pushing myself all the time and refusing to listen to my body's needs. I've spent too much time rejecting my body's signals. Anyone who has ever had an eating disorder understands what I'm talking about.

Hungry? Wait. Tired? Walk more, go harder, move faster. Sick? You can't get sick! Rest? How lazy!

When we let Gollum/Bellatrix/the ED voice control us, we prioritize control over balance and health. I, for one, have allowed control to stamp out the yin/Kapha/calm from my life, and now I'm paying the price. I'm being forced to slow down. I'm too tired to work out or clean, and I'm too nauseated to think about food as anything other than sustenance (i.e. no more weird food obsession).

The stomach ache, the nausea, the muscle aches, the chills, the fever . . . these symptoms are all really unpleasant, but instead of viewing them as "unfair" or "inconvenient," I'm going to recognize them as signs from my body that I need to tune back into her needs. I need to stop pushing her so much and allow her to rest so that she can heal.

If you're reading this, I hope you realize just how important it is to practice awareness with your body. Developing a nurturing relationship with your body. Don't punish it, starve it, or ignore it. It's made of stardust and does not deserve to be abused and tossed about like some sort of object, and if you push it too hard, it will break down.

We aren't invincible. The ED voice likes to tell us that we'll be invincible if we allow restriction, fear, etc., to run our lives, but the ED voice is a notorious liar.  The ED voice damages everything--organs, relationships, souls. Tell the ED voice you're not going to listen to it anymore.

"Let us imagine that life is a river. Most people are clinging to the bank, afraid to let go and risk being carried along by the current of the river. At a certain point, each of us must be willing to simply let go, and trust the river to carry us along safely. At this point, we learn to 'go with the flow'--and it feels wonderful."
-Shakti Gawain

<3

Images used in this post are not mine :). They were found on Giphy and Pinterest.