I want to start this by saying that my thoughts and prayers go out to anyone who is struggling right now. I have family and friends in Texas, and the situation there is just one example of the incredible suffering that is going on in the world at any given time. I'm an INFJ/P, and if I start thinking too much about all the pain that others are experiencing (humans, animals, plants. . . even fictional characters), I get a bit overwhelmed. I don't want to open this on a negative note (this post is meant to be inspiring, I promise!), but I think that--as much as acknowledging the pain around us can be triggering--it can also be a source of motivation for getting better.
A few weeks ago, Florence Welch wrote:
"I am 7 years sober today. I send my love and support to anyone who is struggling. If you are feeling shaky around ED issues, drugs or alcohol, I completely understand. The desire to disassociate is so strong. But please don’t give up. We are going to need you on the other side."
As I'm working on moving through this most recent relapse, I keep thinking of Florence's words and the idea of "the other side." Anorexia is really, really limiting. As someone who's been battling it for seven years, I can tell you that it doesn't help anyone. Not you, not your friends, not your family . . . and certainly not the world. But don't feel guilty. Just as I didn't decide to fall into anorexia, orthorexia, or exercise addiction, you, too, didn't wake up one day and choose to stop eating. But recovery IS a choice. A difficult choice that leads to a long journey, but a choice nonetheless.
And here's the beauty of working towards "the other side"--you have the chance to base your life on your values. You can start living the life you want to live today. Isn't that wonderful?
What are your values? What version of yourself do you want to be? The version that can enjoy dessert with her mum, read a book instead of going for a run, and volunteer at the SPCA without worrying about what she's going to eat for lunch, or the version that is too afraid to do anything but micromanage her eating and exercise habits? I've been the latter version of myself for far too long. In my relapse, I sort of lost sight of the potential to "get better for real," but I decided on Lunar New Year to commit to living the life I want to live.
Of course, this (like so many things) is easier said than done. I recently downloaded the BrighterBite app for eating disorder recovery, and it is a wonderful, free tool (with an adorable aesthetic) that I highly recommend to anyone who feels bullied by their thoughts. I'm also starting therapy again. Having someone (or multiple people, ideally) outside of you holding you accountable can be fundamental for making progress. Getting this support system requires a lot of honesty, though. The anorexia voice may tell you that keeping your fears a secret will keep you "safe," but honesty is what's going to save you. I promise. This week, I admitted to my mum that--despite being 1000% times healthier than I was a year ago--I've been harboring fears around carbohydrates. The anorexia voice had me convinced that I couldn't eat the same bread as my mum and brother with my lunch because that would be "too many carbs at lunch." Flashback to my childhood, when my brother and I had the same lunches most days. I was completely healthy having hummus on a bagel or sunflower seed bread with almond butter, yet the anorexia voice would like to convince me that I "can't" eat those sorts of things anymore. UGH.
Well, after being honest about this both with myself and with my mum and "challenging" myself with the gluten-free bread my brother eats, I realized that the anorexia voice is (once again) lying to me. And even better than realizing that is realizing that I now have the freedom to, for instance, shop at a wider variety of stores because I'm no longer afraid of carbs at lunch. (Side note: We're GF because of Celiac in my family, and Canyon Bakehouse bread is really, really yummy--and it comes in recyclable packaging!)
If you're looking for permission to step outside of your comfort zone, open up about your worries, and start living a life on your terms (not anorexia's!), please take this post as a sign that all of these things are not only totally safe but also incredibly rewarding. When I start worrying about recovery being scary or bad, I remember that my life is so much better now than it was when I was in the deepest depths of anorexia. I'm on this journey with you, and as someone who is recovering, I want you to know that you CAN do it and that it is definitely WORTH it.
<3 Frances
Images from Giphy.
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