Living the Life You Want to Live

I want to start this by saying that my thoughts and prayers go out to anyone who is struggling right now. I have family and friends in Texas, and the situation there is just one example of the incredible suffering that is going on in the world at any given time. I'm an INFJ/P, and if I start thinking too much about all the pain that others are experiencing (humans, animals, plants. . . even fictional characters), I get a bit overwhelmed. I don't want to open this on a negative note (this post is meant to be inspiring, I promise!), but I think that--as much as acknowledging the pain around us can be triggering--it can also be a source of motivation for getting better.

A few weeks ago, Florence Welch wrote:

 "I am 7 years sober today. I send my love and support to anyone who is struggling. If you are feeling shaky around ED issues, drugs or alcohol, I completely understand. The desire to disassociate is so strong. But please don’t give up. We are going to need you on the other side."

As I'm working on moving through this most recent relapse, I keep thinking of Florence's words and the idea of "the other side." Anorexia is really, really limiting. As someone who's been battling it for seven years, I can tell you that it doesn't help anyone. Not you, not your friends, not your family . . . and certainly not the world. But don't feel guilty. Just as I didn't decide to fall into anorexia, orthorexia, or exercise addiction, you, too, didn't wake up one day and choose to stop eating. But recovery IS a choice. A difficult choice that leads to a long journey, but a choice nonetheless.

And here's the beauty of working towards "the other side"--you have the chance to base your life on your values. You can start living the life you want to live today. Isn't that wonderful? 

What are your values? What version of yourself do you want to be? The version that can enjoy dessert with her mum, read a book instead of going for a run, and volunteer at the SPCA without worrying about what she's going to eat for lunch, or the version that is too afraid to do anything but micromanage her eating and exercise habits? I've been the latter version of myself for far too long. In my relapse, I sort of lost sight of the potential to "get better for real," but I decided on Lunar New Year to commit to living the life I want to live. 

Of course, this (like so many things) is easier said than done. I recently downloaded the BrighterBite app for eating disorder recovery, and it is a wonderful, free tool (with an adorable aesthetic) that I highly recommend to anyone who feels bullied by their thoughts. I'm also starting therapy again. Having someone (or multiple people, ideally) outside of you holding you accountable can be fundamental for making progress. Getting this support system requires a lot of honesty, though. The anorexia voice may tell you that keeping your fears a secret will keep you "safe," but honesty is what's going to save you. I promise. This week, I admitted to my mum that--despite being 1000% times healthier than I was a year ago--I've been harboring fears around carbohydrates. The anorexia voice had me convinced that I couldn't eat the same bread as my mum and brother with my lunch because that would be "too many carbs at lunch." Flashback to my childhood, when my brother and I had the same lunches most days. I was completely healthy having hummus on a bagel or sunflower seed bread with almond butter, yet the anorexia voice would like to convince me that I "can't" eat those sorts of things anymore. UGH.

Well, after being honest about this both with myself and with my mum and "challenging" myself with the gluten-free bread my brother eats, I realized that the anorexia voice is (once again) lying to me. And even better than realizing that is realizing that I now have the freedom to, for instance, shop at a wider variety of stores because I'm no longer afraid of carbs at lunch. (Side note: We're GF because of Celiac in my family, and Canyon Bakehouse bread is really, really yummy--and it comes in recyclable packaging!)

If you're looking for permission to step outside of your comfort zone, open up about your worries, and start living a life on your terms (not anorexia's!), please take this post as a sign that all of these things are not only totally safe but also incredibly rewarding. When I start worrying about recovery being scary or bad, I remember that my life is so much better now than it was when I was in the deepest depths of anorexia. I'm on this journey with you, and as someone who is recovering, I want you to know that you CAN do it and that it is definitely WORTH it. 

<3 Frances 

Images from Giphy.

Mirrors and Media

It's been quite a bit of time since I've visited this space. New jobs, a new university, and a relative in the hospital have kept me away from any non-work-related writing, but I'm excited to be back today to share a few thoughts that have been helpful in battling the demons of anxiety and anorexia.

Image found on Her Campus

A few weeks ago, I experienced a (rather frightening) flash of reality when I watched a news clip about the dangerous side of the "K-Beauty" industry. Plastic surgery is in huge demand in South Korea, with Seoul considered to be the plastic surgery capital of the world, and among the most in-demand surgeries are double eyelid surgery and nose jobs.  Now, I'm not criticizing anyone who has had any of these (or any other) cosmetic procedures, but it does break my heart a bit to think that roughly 1/3 of young South Korean women have felt the need to alter their faces in order to be beautiful. (And I'm terrified by the fact that the walls of the Seoul metro station are covered in plastic surgery advertisements.)

Being part Chinese, I'm very aware of how difficult it can be to "live up to" some of the Asian beauty standards, and the shock and sadness that I experienced when learning about the popularity (and risks) of plastic surgery for so many people throughout South Korea made me think more seriously about every country's beauty standards and how unrealistic they are (ex. U.S. ideal of supermodel/fitness model with million dollar legs wearing skinny jeans and a white t-shirt).

We're surrounded by media influences. Phones. Televisions. Websites. Movies. Magazines. Whenever I take an objective look at life and realize how much time we spend exposed to advertising and (very edited) images, I question the sanity of the world. That said, though, I question my own sanity even more because I'm often very sucked into the "look this way, feel good" messaging we're inundated with. I know that what's really important is inside.

The soul.

The spirit.

The dreams that wake you up and make you feel inspired to do something more with your life.

But none of these things are glamorized the way that a "perfect" body is. Why can't average or easy be okay? Why do we need to recreate ourselves into something "better"?

Here's the answer: we don't need to. In fact, all we ever "need" to do is be kind. Kindness towards ourselves and others is the answer, and it always has been. Kindness is respecting your body and the bodies of others. Kindness is nourishing yourself properly. Kindness is getting sleep when you need it but also letting yourself stay up just a little too late to celebrate a friend's birthday. Kindness is getting vegetables but also baking muffins with your mum. Kindness is realizing that your world doesn't have to revolve around macros or calories in order for you to feel good.

"I believe we all have the opportunity to stand up as women in our ordinary everyday lives. I believe that we all have the power to replace hate with justice, open-heartedness and kindness. This doesn't have to be a seismic change that we all have to learn. I believe we, as humans, (gender aside for a moment) have the opportunity to combat hate because of the way we behave towards one another. Not just during seminal moments, but during our everyday, ordinary ones too.I believe we can start with kindness."-Emilia Clarke

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Identity and Playing Small

After work today, I was feeding my cats and listening to Oprah and Eckhart Tolle Chapter 7 of A New Earth when I heard their conversation shift to eating disorders. A caller phoned in asking for advice on how to release her attachment to her "eating disorder identity," and her words sounded just like some of the ones that so often go through my mind. Once we've consciously acknowledged that we need to recover, how do we take the leap and let go of the false "safety" that an eating disorder provides?

In the podcast, Oprah and Eckhart explained that the answer can be found in becoming more present and embodied. That makes a lot of sense given that the whole premise of A New Earth is presence = awakening, but they took this idea further by saying that, when we're caught in the eating disorder identity, we're refusing to see ourselves as "bigger" than our eating disorder selves.  Oprah's advice was particularly powerful. She said that the eating disorder is "as big as you know yourself to be right now. And when you know yourself to be something more, you will choose to be the something more and not this 'little me' that has an eating disorder."

WOW. Eating disorders may feel safe and easy, but they aren't who we are, and even if we feel like they're "working" for us sometimes, they aren't. All eating disorders can do is hurt us, our relationships, and our lives, and we need to stop "playing small" so that we can recognize the awesomeness and potential that exist beyond the eating disorder world.

<3 <3 <3

Fear and Resistance in Eating Disorder Recovery

Recovering from an eating disorder is not easy. But it's necessary. If any of us want to live truly meaningful lives, we need to let go of what is holding us back, and, regardless of whether or not we want to admit it, eating disorders are holding us back.

As someone who's in recovery right now, I'm going to be completely honest and admit that, despite my best intentions, I still experience fear regarding food and exercise. The idea of increasing my meal plan often triggers a tidal wave of worries, and I usually have to monitor my movement to make sure I'm not using cleaning as a form of cardio. But dealing with some recovery fears recently, I realized just how limiting (and ridiculous) my thoughts are. Surely it isn't "normal" to be planning what and when I'm going to eat tomorrow, and the fact that I vehemently resist the idea of eating differently from how I currently am indicates that that's just what I need to do.

Steven Pressfield is right: "The more important an activity is to your soul's evolution, the more resistance you will feel."

Reading that makes it so obvious just how much we need to conquer our fears in recovery. Yes, there's a difference between resistance and self-preservation (i.e. if you feel resistance towards jumping in front of a car, then please listen to it!), but when it comes to eating disorder recovery, the only resistance we feel is caused by the eating disorder voice trying to perpetuate itself. The eating disorder doesn't want you to get better, so it'll do whatever it needs to in order to convince you to hold onto it.

In other words, the eating disorder is a total narcissist who's obsessed with criticizing us and telling us what to do. The eating disorder puts fear in our heads and makes us resist the very things that will make us better, and when we do try to get better, the eating disorder tells us we're being "bad."

But guess what?  Here's some Oprah wisdom for you:

"Where there is no struggle, there is no strength."

The struggle that our eating disorders present us are giving us strength. Every victory--however small--counts, and over time, victories add up. When we say yes to a slice of pie on Thanksgiving (or just on a regular night) instead of panicking about macros, we tell the eating disorder bully that it isn't in charge. And we take our power back!

Another fun way to take power back? Positive self-talk! Even if it feels forced sometimes. Eating disorders want us to feel bad and insecure, but our hearts want us to be happy. They want us to love ourselves so that we can then love others and make the love force on the earth more powerful than the hate force.  Here's a fun (albeit challenging) exercise in self-love:

Yay! You're adorable ;).

<3 <3 

Holiday Thoughts from Eating Disorder Recovery

Now that final exams are over and it's almost the last day of Advent, I feel like the whole season is going by very quickly, and it's increasingly difficult to stay grounded amidst the chaos of last-minute shopping and mailing and the close of the semester as both a student and a teacher. The little kids I work with were very excited to be going home for winter break, and I'm grateful to be home. Most of my energies are now devoted to approaching scholarship deadlines, cleaning, sending packages, cat-sitting, and more cleaning, but, as someone still "in recovery," my thoughts have of course wandered to places eating disorder-related.  Needless to say, some of those places have been more enlightened than others.

Seriously, though . . .  these gingerbread men are more enlightened than I am sometimes.

From delish.com

It's the time of year that, between Christmas songs, radios play advertisements for gym memberships to help you "get back on track" after the holidays. I'm by no means being critical or negative about these ads. Gym memberships can be wonderful opportunities for people to take a break, relax, and do something fun and active. But the way we talk about "fitness" is seriously flawed. By using phrases like "earn it to burn it," we've created a paradigm that food and exercise are related. In order to eat, you need to work out.

If I told that to my child self, she'd look at me like I were crazy. For little kids, "working out" isn't really a thing. My students move around intuitively, eat intuitively, sleep well, and lead healthy lifestyles just by default, and they all look different based on genetics. They don't have any of the addictive, unhealthy habits that hurt people physically and mentally, and they don't exist in extremes. None of them are equating what they eat to how they move, yet none of them are spending all day watching YouTube videos, either. "Balanced' doesn't mean "following all the magic health guidelines" and being "perfect." It means just being and living in a way that is light and flexible and free and connected to nature, your spirit, and other people.

In other words, "balanced" does not mean jumping on the self-hate train as soon as the holidays are over.

I know that this is much easier said than done. It's been a long, long time since I've eaten dessert and felt totally, 100% "free" about it afterwards. Usually, a lot of breath-holding and self-hate is involved! As someone who loves yoga, meditation, and spirituality, I often feel like a hypocrite. I give so much lip service to "compassion" and "loving-kindness" and "flexibility," but then when I'm supposed to be compassionate, kind, and flexible with myself, I'm the opposite.

Janis is probably talking about anorexia! (Image not mine.)

What's been helping me in times of self-bullying (which, for anyone affected by New Year's food- and body-shaming, may be more frequent during the holiday season) is taking a deep breath and going to that more spiritual place in my head that realizes my body is a gift, not a burden or an object. Again, this is easier said than done, but when you're judging yourself, try to take a step away from yourself. There's this lovely quote floating around the Internet about how everyone is just a "ghost piloting a meat-covered skeleton made of stardust." If at our essence we're really just ghosts/souls/spirits/cosmic beings, then our bodies are vehicles through which we can interact with the world. We need to appreciate them for what they are, take care of them, and stop angsting about how to "change" and "fix" them. JUST BE. The only thing you need to "detox" right now is self-hate. It's doing much more damage than any enlightened little gingerbread man every will.

<3 <3 <3 

Prescription for Compassion

I'm working on several papers at the moment, and one of them has to do with compassion, mindfulness, and the dire need for it in education (and in general life). There is so much tragedy in the news right now, and the UN's latest climate report is quite devastating, and it's all overwhelming, and I wish there were something I could do about it. But there just aren't any ruby slippers for curing the hate and pain in the world. It's got to be a process.

Found on Billboard.com

One of the fundamental elements of yoga is the idea of "ahimsa," which is the principle of nonviolence. There are different interpretations as to how to carry ahimsa into everyday life, but the essence of it (in my opinion) is compassion. Wouldn't a more compassionate world be a brighter, happier, healthier, safer place?

Compassion encourages prosocial behavior (i.e. sympathy in action), promotes well-being, and heals relationships (with ourselves and with others), but we don't give it the attention it deserves. Instead, we place the spotlight on success, independence, uniqueness, entrepreneurship, and determination. Is there anything wrong with that? No. But if success, independence, uniqueness, etc., aren't balanced out with a healthy dose of compassion, then we're just going to end up a world full of really driven people who don't care about each other enough to solve the crises we face. Scary, right?

What's great about compassion is that it can start right here and right now. By being compassionate in your daily life, you can help ease some of the burden of the "compassion deficit" that seems to plague the planet. And compassion is not only between you and those around you. Compassion for yourself is important, too . . . especially in eating disorder recovery. 

I hate to admit this, but one of my not-so-great recovery moments took place at a time when I could've chosen to meditate into the moment but instead allowed the inner demons to come in and start yelling at me. I don't like eating really late at night, but we were at an event that ran much later than expected, and we didn't end up getting home until after 9:00. So dinner at 9:30. That's not that big a deal, right? No, not at all. I'm serious about this--it. is. not. a. big. deal. But for some reason, the nasty little Gollum creature that likes to taunt me crept into my mind and started running on all my worry trails and yelling scary things. No one else could tell I was upset inside, or that I was battling an inner demon, but that didn't matter because I knew that I'd made the mistake of letting Gollum go all "my precious" about the eating hour.

What I'm hoping to get across with this post is that the eating disorder voice is the exact opposite of compassion. It is the anti-ahimsa, and it is something that we need less of in this world. Sometimes, it's easy to put up with the eating disorder voice because we're so used to having judgmental, critical thoughts about ourselves and don't feel "worthy" of self-compassion. But remember that self-compassion can help the planet because it needs more compassionate people right now. So if you can't bring yourself to practice compassion for your sake, do it for someone else's. That's helped me. I try to picture someone I really love and then ask myself how I would want them to treat themselves. Would I want them to get all freaked out inside about when they ate? Or would I want them to just breathe, relax, and let go?  

Found on Pinterest.com (Elephant image at top = also from Pinterest.com)

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