Getting Help from Your Healthy Self

“When your healthy self is strong enough to deal with all that comes your way in life, your eating disorder self will no longer be useful or necessary."

-Carolyn Costin, 8 Keys to Recovery from an Eating Disorder

When I first read this, I was not in a good place. I was standing in the office of the university's therapy department looking through their small self-help library and wondering if any of the other students would notice that I was carrying a stack of books related to anorexia and body image. But as I got better, the idea of my "healthy self" started to make more sense. Somehow, following my meal plan and committing to being honest with myself, my care team, and my family enabled me to get in touch with my healthy self, and having "met" her, I am now able to call on her to help me with my relapse.

So . . . who is this mysterious "healthy self"? And what can we do to better hear her/him/them?

Personally, I find it helpful to imagine my healthy self as an older, wiser sister version of myself--someone who can see through the eating disorder's lies. And sometimes I even imagine her as my inner child--someone who I can take care of the way I take care of my students or siblings. When I'm tempted to listen to the eating disorder voice, I pause and ask myself what my healthy self would do. What would--to quote Marie Kondo--"spark joy"?

Even though listening to the healthy self may make you uncomfortable at first because disordered thought patterns, rules, and routines are so. so. so. ingrained in your subconscious mind, "sparking joy" can be a really useful way to make the healthy voice louder. What would you do in this moment if you were someone without an eating disorder? What would you do if you were, for say, a character on your favorite TV show or in your favorite book? What would bring your heart--not your rule-following mind--joy? And by "joy," I mean real joy--the joy that comes from being your true self and fulfilling your heart's need to feel and give love.

Becoming a teacher has made a huge difference in my recovery journey, and I really credit my teaching job for saving my life. Being with my students "spark[s] joy"--even on the hardest days--because it gives me something truly meaningful to focus on that exists outside of eating disorder thoughts.  

Other things that can be really helpful for finding joy outside of your eating disorder include . . . .

1) Reading. I'm currently working through All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr--a beautiful, powerful, tragic book that gets me out of my worry trails and into my heart space.

2) Watching a long-running television show. If you watch an episode every day/few days/week, that will make the show last longer, and the characters can become friends that remind you that there's more to life than eating and exercising. I really like Felicity, LOST, and Party of Five. 

3) Engaging in joyful movement. I had a really, really bad exercise addiction, so I fully recognize that movement may not be for everyone. And finding ways to cope with anxiety that don't involve movement is essential to fully recovering. But if movement is something you'd like to explore and that you feel would be safe (i.e. not triggering or physically hurtful) for you, I recommend checking out Yoga with Adriene or Mimi Kuo-Deemer on YouTube or blasting music and having a dance party. 

4) Just listening to music! I love Florence & the Machine, The White Stripes, Lykke Li, Bon Iver, Kate Bush, and The Cranberries. I'm also going to dedicate a whole post to songs that have helped me in recovery :).

5) Trying foods you used to love! I can't tell you how happy I felt having an almond butter and jelly sandwich in my lunchbox for the first time in five years when I started "recovering for real" at the end of 2019. And while I'm gluten-free due to gluten intolerance, I discovered the Kinnikinnick version and had my first "Oreos" in over seven years today! And it was really fun! 

6) Picking up old hobbies (or finding new ones). I used to write all the time. I started writing "books" when I was four, and throughout elementary and middle school, I was always thinking of stories and characters and how to bring them to life. I stopped writing in the deepest parts of my eating disorder because all I could think about were food and exercise, but now I'm writing again, and it feels really good to finally be doing heart-centered activities again. 

I'm sending everyone love, hugs, and the Force (I'm a bit of a Star Wars geek). What activities can you incorporate into your day that might help you get in touch with your "healthy self"? Could you call a friend? Plan a movie date with your cat? Whatever you do, remember that you are strong enough to get through your worries. You've got this. 

<3 Frances 

Images from Giphy.

Mirrors and Media

It's been quite a bit of time since I've visited this space. New jobs, a new university, and a relative in the hospital have kept me away from any non-work-related writing, but I'm excited to be back today to share a few thoughts that have been helpful in battling the demons of anxiety and anorexia.

Image found on Her Campus

A few weeks ago, I experienced a (rather frightening) flash of reality when I watched a news clip about the dangerous side of the "K-Beauty" industry. Plastic surgery is in huge demand in South Korea, with Seoul considered to be the plastic surgery capital of the world, and among the most in-demand surgeries are double eyelid surgery and nose jobs.  Now, I'm not criticizing anyone who has had any of these (or any other) cosmetic procedures, but it does break my heart a bit to think that roughly 1/3 of young South Korean women have felt the need to alter their faces in order to be beautiful. (And I'm terrified by the fact that the walls of the Seoul metro station are covered in plastic surgery advertisements.)

Being part Chinese, I'm very aware of how difficult it can be to "live up to" some of the Asian beauty standards, and the shock and sadness that I experienced when learning about the popularity (and risks) of plastic surgery for so many people throughout South Korea made me think more seriously about every country's beauty standards and how unrealistic they are (ex. U.S. ideal of supermodel/fitness model with million dollar legs wearing skinny jeans and a white t-shirt).

We're surrounded by media influences. Phones. Televisions. Websites. Movies. Magazines. Whenever I take an objective look at life and realize how much time we spend exposed to advertising and (very edited) images, I question the sanity of the world. That said, though, I question my own sanity even more because I'm often very sucked into the "look this way, feel good" messaging we're inundated with. I know that what's really important is inside.

The soul.

The spirit.

The dreams that wake you up and make you feel inspired to do something more with your life.

But none of these things are glamorized the way that a "perfect" body is. Why can't average or easy be okay? Why do we need to recreate ourselves into something "better"?

Here's the answer: we don't need to. In fact, all we ever "need" to do is be kind. Kindness towards ourselves and others is the answer, and it always has been. Kindness is respecting your body and the bodies of others. Kindness is nourishing yourself properly. Kindness is getting sleep when you need it but also letting yourself stay up just a little too late to celebrate a friend's birthday. Kindness is getting vegetables but also baking muffins with your mum. Kindness is realizing that your world doesn't have to revolve around macros or calories in order for you to feel good.

"I believe we all have the opportunity to stand up as women in our ordinary everyday lives. I believe that we all have the power to replace hate with justice, open-heartedness and kindness. This doesn't have to be a seismic change that we all have to learn. I believe we, as humans, (gender aside for a moment) have the opportunity to combat hate because of the way we behave towards one another. Not just during seminal moments, but during our everyday, ordinary ones too.I believe we can start with kindness."-Emilia Clarke

<3 <3 <3

Applying The Power of Now to Eating Disorder Recovery (Part Two)

Happy Sunday! Things have been slightly chaotic lately with lots of work and school deadlines and events, but the pretty April flowers have a way of making everything seem very storybook-like despite awful springtime allergies. I'm working on an essay right now about the relationship between environmental and human health (both mental and physical), and last week I hosted a fundraiser at school for an organization supporting artists in Guatemala and Nicaragua. (If you're interested in supporting these artists, too, visit wwww.pulseraproject.org.)

I'm excited to be sharing Part Two of Applying The Power of Now to Eating Disorder Recovery. Tolle's book can really be applied to anything in life, but the way it connects to eating disorders has been very powerful for me, and the section I'm reading now--all about the "inner body"--has profound implications for the disconnect that occurs in the throes of an eating disorder. In anorexia, my mind, body, and soul all separated from one another. My soul took the backseat to my mind--which was "infected" with insidious thoughts--and my body became an object that I had to control and obsess over.

UGH.

Yoga has been very helpful for me in recovery because it is focused on connecting the mind, body, and soul back together. "Yoga" literally means "to yoke"--pull together--and by linking breath, movement, and intention, I'm slowly figuring out how to stitch myself back into a whole spirit-person again. Eastern philosophy emphasizes the "bodymind," and if you're trying to recover, please remember that, though you aren't your physical body, there is a profound and beautiful connecting energy force coursing through you that links your physical self with your spiritual (true) self. Also remember that when Eckhart Tolle refers to "connecting to the body," he usually means the "inner body." We'll get to that now :).

The "inner body" is not part of the external world. Rather, it is the invisible energy running through you that makes you who you are and enables you to become "rooted within" (Tolle 98). Think of yourself as a tree. The inner body is the complex root systems coming up from the earth and spreading up and into your trunk.

Here are some excerpts from The Power of Now that may help make the concept of the inner body more understandable:

"Direct your attention into the body. Feel it from within. Is it alive?  . . . Can you feel the subtle energy field that pervades the entire body and gives vibrant life to every organ and every cell?" (p. 93)

"The art of inner-body awareness will develop into a completely new way of living, a state of permanent connectedness with Being, and will add a depth to your life that you have never known before." (p. 98)

Your inner body is "formless, limitless, and unfathomable" (Tolle 93), and you can connect with it at any moment to pull yourself out of your head. It's difficult to connect to the inner body because we've been so conditioned to be focused on the external and on the mind, but try to take a few moments every day to consciously tap into the energy field within yourself. Even if you can only do it for a second, it will help ground you, and over time, connecting within will become less of a challenge. Meditation and yoga or any other sort of mindful activity/exercise can strengthen your bond with your inner body, and I highly recommend picking up a hobby that encourages inner-body awareness.

<3 <3 <3

Fear and Resistance in Eating Disorder Recovery

Recovering from an eating disorder is not easy. But it's necessary. If any of us want to live truly meaningful lives, we need to let go of what is holding us back, and, regardless of whether or not we want to admit it, eating disorders are holding us back.

As someone who's in recovery right now, I'm going to be completely honest and admit that, despite my best intentions, I still experience fear regarding food and exercise. The idea of increasing my meal plan often triggers a tidal wave of worries, and I usually have to monitor my movement to make sure I'm not using cleaning as a form of cardio. But dealing with some recovery fears recently, I realized just how limiting (and ridiculous) my thoughts are. Surely it isn't "normal" to be planning what and when I'm going to eat tomorrow, and the fact that I vehemently resist the idea of eating differently from how I currently am indicates that that's just what I need to do.

Steven Pressfield is right: "The more important an activity is to your soul's evolution, the more resistance you will feel."

Reading that makes it so obvious just how much we need to conquer our fears in recovery. Yes, there's a difference between resistance and self-preservation (i.e. if you feel resistance towards jumping in front of a car, then please listen to it!), but when it comes to eating disorder recovery, the only resistance we feel is caused by the eating disorder voice trying to perpetuate itself. The eating disorder doesn't want you to get better, so it'll do whatever it needs to in order to convince you to hold onto it.

In other words, the eating disorder is a total narcissist who's obsessed with criticizing us and telling us what to do. The eating disorder puts fear in our heads and makes us resist the very things that will make us better, and when we do try to get better, the eating disorder tells us we're being "bad."

But guess what?  Here's some Oprah wisdom for you:

"Where there is no struggle, there is no strength."

The struggle that our eating disorders present us are giving us strength. Every victory--however small--counts, and over time, victories add up. When we say yes to a slice of pie on Thanksgiving (or just on a regular night) instead of panicking about macros, we tell the eating disorder bully that it isn't in charge. And we take our power back!

Another fun way to take power back? Positive self-talk! Even if it feels forced sometimes. Eating disorders want us to feel bad and insecure, but our hearts want us to be happy. They want us to love ourselves so that we can then love others and make the love force on the earth more powerful than the hate force.  Here's a fun (albeit challenging) exercise in self-love:

Yay! You're adorable ;).

<3 <3 

Holiday Thoughts from Eating Disorder Recovery

Now that final exams are over and it's almost the last day of Advent, I feel like the whole season is going by very quickly, and it's increasingly difficult to stay grounded amidst the chaos of last-minute shopping and mailing and the close of the semester as both a student and a teacher. The little kids I work with were very excited to be going home for winter break, and I'm grateful to be home. Most of my energies are now devoted to approaching scholarship deadlines, cleaning, sending packages, cat-sitting, and more cleaning, but, as someone still "in recovery," my thoughts have of course wandered to places eating disorder-related.  Needless to say, some of those places have been more enlightened than others.

Seriously, though . . .  these gingerbread men are more enlightened than I am sometimes.

From delish.com

It's the time of year that, between Christmas songs, radios play advertisements for gym memberships to help you "get back on track" after the holidays. I'm by no means being critical or negative about these ads. Gym memberships can be wonderful opportunities for people to take a break, relax, and do something fun and active. But the way we talk about "fitness" is seriously flawed. By using phrases like "earn it to burn it," we've created a paradigm that food and exercise are related. In order to eat, you need to work out.

If I told that to my child self, she'd look at me like I were crazy. For little kids, "working out" isn't really a thing. My students move around intuitively, eat intuitively, sleep well, and lead healthy lifestyles just by default, and they all look different based on genetics. They don't have any of the addictive, unhealthy habits that hurt people physically and mentally, and they don't exist in extremes. None of them are equating what they eat to how they move, yet none of them are spending all day watching YouTube videos, either. "Balanced' doesn't mean "following all the magic health guidelines" and being "perfect." It means just being and living in a way that is light and flexible and free and connected to nature, your spirit, and other people.

In other words, "balanced" does not mean jumping on the self-hate train as soon as the holidays are over.

I know that this is much easier said than done. It's been a long, long time since I've eaten dessert and felt totally, 100% "free" about it afterwards. Usually, a lot of breath-holding and self-hate is involved! As someone who loves yoga, meditation, and spirituality, I often feel like a hypocrite. I give so much lip service to "compassion" and "loving-kindness" and "flexibility," but then when I'm supposed to be compassionate, kind, and flexible with myself, I'm the opposite.

Janis is probably talking about anorexia! (Image not mine.)

What's been helping me in times of self-bullying (which, for anyone affected by New Year's food- and body-shaming, may be more frequent during the holiday season) is taking a deep breath and going to that more spiritual place in my head that realizes my body is a gift, not a burden or an object. Again, this is easier said than done, but when you're judging yourself, try to take a step away from yourself. There's this lovely quote floating around the Internet about how everyone is just a "ghost piloting a meat-covered skeleton made of stardust." If at our essence we're really just ghosts/souls/spirits/cosmic beings, then our bodies are vehicles through which we can interact with the world. We need to appreciate them for what they are, take care of them, and stop angsting about how to "change" and "fix" them. JUST BE. The only thing you need to "detox" right now is self-hate. It's doing much more damage than any enlightened little gingerbread man every will.

<3 <3 <3