New Year's Recovery Goals

Happy New Year, loves! This can be a wonderful time for refreshing and reflecting, but it can also be a time that is fraught with self-judgement and self-hatred. I'm trying to make the season of twinkly lights and hymns last as long as possible, but as Christmas is now over, most of the media has shifted its attention to diets. I wrote quite a bit about the whole "new year, new me" mindset in my last post, and I'm definitely noticing just how much pressure there is to "make up for the holidays."

SIGH.

What are we really "making up" for? It's awesome to do things that make your body feel better--taking a walk with your family, eating something nourishing and warming, drinking a cup of tea--but please don't jump on the restriction bandwagon! It's crazy tempting, I know, but it's not worth it. I'm reading BrainwashED by Elisa Oras, and I've learned so much about how chronic dieting hurts our bodies. Think about it: how can our bodies trust us if we're constantly depriving them of nourishment and forcing them into insane exercise routines?

How our bodies feel when we're chronically dieting (Giphy)

Instead of setting yourself up for another round of what Elisa calls "Diet Merry-Go-Hell," how about taking 2019 as an opportunity to set yourself up for long-term health awesomeness? I'm proposing a challenge for all of us eating disorder warriors to actually get better. Woah, there, wait a second . . . what if that means changing physically? Change = scary!!

But isn't change the whole point of recovery? If I were healthy right now as I am, then why would I even need to recover?  

Snacks, increasing intake, getting rid of "sick" clothes, decreasing physical activity (see below) . . . these all freak Bellatrix* out, but if I want her to let me go, I need to make her as uncomfortable as possible. Even if that means she'll make me a bit uncomfortable in the process.

When you're not supposed to exercise in recovery . . . . (Giphy)

My "new year, new me" plans include doing most of the things that the fitness magazines tell you not to do, but, just like everyone else, I'm doing these things in order to get healthy. We're all different. If you're getting over anorexia, for instance, eating dessert every night may be just what you need to do in order to be the healthiest version of yourself. PLEASE, don't judge yourself, restrict yourself, or hurt yourself. Be your body's best friend. All your body wants to do is to keep you alive, so let it.

Talk to yourself like you love yourself, eat like you love yourself, and move (or rest) like you love yourself. Following breakfast, a morning snack, and lunch, I'm feeling kind of uncomfortable, but I'm sitting (not standing, running, or pacing!) with a heating pad and doing my homework. The fitness magazine says I should skip a morning snack, go on a run, and fast as long as I can, but I'm not going to do that because I've tried already tried all those things. I've done exactly what the magazines want me to do, and guess what? My skin dried out, I became irrationally afraid of eating, and I spent a good portion of high school stressing about how to avoid eating dessert at my birthday. I'm sick from Bellatrix, and I'm sick of Bellatrix. 2019 is not her year.

<3 <3 <3 

*Bellatrix is the name I use for the eating disorder voice in my head. Note that I adore Helena Bonham Carter and Harry Potter. I only call the eating disorder voice "Bellatrix" because I love movies and literature and Bellatrix is a really scary villain.

Holiday Thoughts from Eating Disorder Recovery

Now that final exams are over and it's almost the last day of Advent, I feel like the whole season is going by very quickly, and it's increasingly difficult to stay grounded amidst the chaos of last-minute shopping and mailing and the close of the semester as both a student and a teacher. The little kids I work with were very excited to be going home for winter break, and I'm grateful to be home. Most of my energies are now devoted to approaching scholarship deadlines, cleaning, sending packages, cat-sitting, and more cleaning, but, as someone still "in recovery," my thoughts have of course wandered to places eating disorder-related.  Needless to say, some of those places have been more enlightened than others.

Seriously, though . . .  these gingerbread men are more enlightened than I am sometimes.

From delish.com

It's the time of year that, between Christmas songs, radios play advertisements for gym memberships to help you "get back on track" after the holidays. I'm by no means being critical or negative about these ads. Gym memberships can be wonderful opportunities for people to take a break, relax, and do something fun and active. But the way we talk about "fitness" is seriously flawed. By using phrases like "earn it to burn it," we've created a paradigm that food and exercise are related. In order to eat, you need to work out.

If I told that to my child self, she'd look at me like I were crazy. For little kids, "working out" isn't really a thing. My students move around intuitively, eat intuitively, sleep well, and lead healthy lifestyles just by default, and they all look different based on genetics. They don't have any of the addictive, unhealthy habits that hurt people physically and mentally, and they don't exist in extremes. None of them are equating what they eat to how they move, yet none of them are spending all day watching YouTube videos, either. "Balanced' doesn't mean "following all the magic health guidelines" and being "perfect." It means just being and living in a way that is light and flexible and free and connected to nature, your spirit, and other people.

In other words, "balanced" does not mean jumping on the self-hate train as soon as the holidays are over.

I know that this is much easier said than done. It's been a long, long time since I've eaten dessert and felt totally, 100% "free" about it afterwards. Usually, a lot of breath-holding and self-hate is involved! As someone who loves yoga, meditation, and spirituality, I often feel like a hypocrite. I give so much lip service to "compassion" and "loving-kindness" and "flexibility," but then when I'm supposed to be compassionate, kind, and flexible with myself, I'm the opposite.

Janis is probably talking about anorexia! (Image not mine.)

What's been helping me in times of self-bullying (which, for anyone affected by New Year's food- and body-shaming, may be more frequent during the holiday season) is taking a deep breath and going to that more spiritual place in my head that realizes my body is a gift, not a burden or an object. Again, this is easier said than done, but when you're judging yourself, try to take a step away from yourself. There's this lovely quote floating around the Internet about how everyone is just a "ghost piloting a meat-covered skeleton made of stardust." If at our essence we're really just ghosts/souls/spirits/cosmic beings, then our bodies are vehicles through which we can interact with the world. We need to appreciate them for what they are, take care of them, and stop angsting about how to "change" and "fix" them. JUST BE. The only thing you need to "detox" right now is self-hate. It's doing much more damage than any enlightened little gingerbread man every will.

<3 <3 <3 

Recovery Resources

In an effort to put something positive out into the universe, here is an image of an adorable seal cub:

Found on weheartit.com (uploaded by Paty Pegorin)

Knowing that this seal cub is out there makes everything feel a little bit better, doesn't it? (Being myself, though, I am of course now worrying about climate change and the melting ice caps . . . .)

In the spirit of yesterday's post on honesty (Satya) and asking for help in recovery, I want to share some recovery resources today. These are just a few of the articles, websites, blogs, podcasts, and videos that have helped me and motivated me in the recovery process. It's reassuring to have people to relate to and look up to in recovery . . . they can serve as reminders that, no matter how loud the inner Gollum is, recovery is not only possible but also totally worth it.

Podcasts

• Nourishing Minds Nutrition 
• Meg and Victoria are dietitians who focus on intuitive eating, health at every size, traditional foods, and hormone healing. They've both struggled with eating disorders, and in their podcast, they cover everything from exercise addiction to environmental sustainability. 
• Liveng Proof
• I found out about this podcast on the Nourishing Minds Nutrition podcast. Engrid is a personal trainer who dealt with disordered eating and exercise habits for years before discovering intuitive eating and mindful movement. Her show features episodes on the "pain body," femininity, sexual trauma, and holistic wellness, and her guests include psychoanalysts and chiropractors. 

YouTube

• A Case of the Jills
• Jill is a former marathoner who went through hypothalamic amenorrhea and exercise addiction, and her videos are insightful, honest, and moving. She answers questions primarily related to "detraining" and HA recovery, but for anyone who has a disordered relationship with exercise, I highly recommend her channel. 
• Follow the Intuition
• Elisa is the author of BrainwashED: Diet Induced Eating Disorders, and her YouTube channel features videos addressing issues about recovery from bulimia, anorexia, orthorexia, OSFED, and exercise addiction. Basically, she discusses everything, and her honesty and openness are encouraging and reassuring.
• MegsyRecovery
• Meg is an adorable newlywed who not only features her cute cat in her videos but also has videos from multiple stages of recovery. She answers viewer questions in each episode, and some of the episodes that helped me the most are the ones addressing "not feeling hungry" and the fear of "losing fitness." Meg also sometimes shares tips from her therapist.

Blogs and Websites

• A Life Without Anorexia
• Izzy now blogs at It's a Healthy Lifestyle, but her original anorexia recovery blog still has all its old posts up. She blogged throughout her recovery journey, so there are posts from every stage of recovery, which can be helpful for someone who's struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
• Wholly Healed
• Jess is a Certified Eating Psychology Coach who specializes in "functional endocrinology." Her posts address many of the myths propagated by the media that are hurting women's hormonal health. Reading about how chronic cardio, fasting, and calorie restriction may actually do more harm than good really opened my eyes!
• RawRitta
• Ritta recovered from orthorexia and exercise addiction, and her caring personality and honest videos and blog posts are encouraging and reassuring. 

There are many other helpful resources out there, but these are some of the ones I return to the most often. What blogs/sites/videos/podcasts have been helpful for you?

<3 <3 <3 

Re-framing "Just Do It" for Eating Disorder Recovery

Just Do It. That's the trademark phrase we see plastered across images of sweat-drenched athletes and exercisers all over the world. And while there's nothing at all wrong with that--yay for sports and sneakers--the whole idea of "just do it" becomes insidious when seen through the lens of an eating disorder. In the throes of anorexia, exercise addiction, etc., "just do it" can be a motivator to push harder, faster, strong, longer.

I used to see "just do it" as a justification for my compulsive movement and restrictive eating, and even today it makes me feel a bit inadequate. I mean, here I am, trying to relax more and eat more while there are all these Nike models out there who are boxing and dieting and sweating.

I love yoga and have found so much relief and flexibility in it--far more than I ever found in excessive running and HIIT--but it doesn't make me as exhausted or intense as anyone in a sports advertisement ever looks. And because society has come to praise the HIIT-doing, weightlifting, super-fit people we see in magazines and on TV, I've been brainwashed into thinking that I need to be exhausted and/or adrenaline-buzzed after a workout or else it "doesn't count." Newsflash: stop doing things that make you feel totally drained or that increase your anxiety. If your workout is making you more stressed or is messing with your hormones, it isn't working for you. As I've written here before, some of us do well on running, others of us do well on more low-intensity things, and some of us don't "do" any sort of formal exercise at all. Movement is dependent on the individual, so let's stop comparing ourselves to the advertisements, take a collective deep breath, and just "be" in our bodies. Being in your body is much more fulfilling than being in control of your body.

I found this on Google Images, and it's not mine, but it's adorable!

But back to "just do it." What I've realized recently is that "just do it" can actually be used very effectively as a motivator to get better. After all, isn't the whole purpose of "just do it" to motivate people to become healthier versions of themselves?  Just as with exercise, health is subjective, and getting healthy isn't limited to adding a gym membership and picking up a calorie-tracking app. For people getting over anorexia or trying to fix a hormonal imbalance related to stress and restriction, getting healthy often means eating more food (even if that's counter-intuitive sometimes) and reducing compulsive movement behaviors. Earlier today, while debating whether or not to eat a more substantial morning snack than I'm usually comfortable with, I told myself that I would allot five seconds to worrying/trying to convince myself I didn't need to eat "extra." After five seconds, I told myself, "Just do it." I ate the snack, it was good, and it was over.

Recovery. It's what's healthy for your body.

Just do it.

<3 <3 <3