Honesty in Eating Disorder Recovery

I love yoga very, very much, and it makes me sad that, for many years, limiting beliefs surrounding exercise prevented me from ever really embracing the practice. It wasn't a "workout" like running was, so I didn't have time for it.

Ugh. I wish I could go back and tell my runner self that running = not for me. I wish I could tell her to tune into her intuition--not the voice in her head--and practice Satya.

Image from Authentic Self Yoga

Satya is the Yama of truthfulness. It's about being honest with yourself and with those around you, and it's a crucial component of successfully combating any eating disorder. The reality of eating disorder recovery is that it's hard. It's wrapped up in confusion, false beliefs, and a cult-like devotion to the idols of "purity" and "control," and there are times when it can feel like you have no idea where you are. Are you headed in the right direction? Are you even sick? What if you're doing it wrong? Why are you thinking about food all the time? Is this normal? What if this is normal?

If you're hyper-focused on food and have to ask yourself "is this normal?" all the time, then it most likely isn't. But I understand why you're stuck. I get that way, too. I know that my ultimate goal is to be recovered, but it's so so so easy to get distracted by something else--school, life in general--and then "forget" that I'm still not recovered yet.

This is where Satya comes in. If I'm being honest with myself, I know that I still have a lot of work to do to get better because I have way too many rules. And I also know that, if I want to get better, I need help. I need guidance, oversight, accountability. Friends, the eating disorder thrives on control, but you need to give some of that control up. Find someone you love and trust and practice Satya with them. Be fully honest. Ask for help.

I've been lucky to have a really supportive, loving family this entire time, but there are areas where I notice I still try to take control. And I don't think I'm fully ready for that yet, so I'm trying to practice more Satya in my life and ask for help. It's difficult to admit that you're not 100% there, but if you ever want to get better, you need to acknowledge that something is off. What's wonderful is that when you find that person who can help you--a parent, a sibling, a friend, a therapist--they're going to see you with love. They're not going to judge you. They want the best for you, too.

From TIME

It's going to be okay.

<3 <3 <3

California and the Environment

The fires in California . . . where do I even begin with that? I watched the news footage this morning in complete disbelief. The scenes and stories are like those out of a horror movie--something apocalyptic. I'm praying for everyone there. I can't begin to understand what it would be like to experience the sort of tragedy they're going through, and I wish there were something more that I could do to help them. Today please think of everyone there--the plants, the animals, the heroes, the victims, the survivors. 

The fires should be a call to action for us to do something about climate change, too. The United Nations said we have only about twelve years left before things get out of control, and there are so many signs that something is gravely wrong with the health of the planet. Ways to help? They seem basic, I know, but they're a start:

• Recycle and reuse anything that you can (water bottles, etc.).
• Reduce your use of plastics.
• Reduce consumption of meat, and when you do eat meat, purchase it from local, free-range, antibiotic-free farms. By shifting the consumer market for meat products to sustainable sources, we can reduce the power of the industries that support factory farming.
• Turn off lights you aren't using. The same goes for the tap.
• Take shorter showers.
• Walk or bike when you can, and try to carpool.
• Don't preheat your oven if you don't need to. Sometimes, you can just turn the stove on as soon as your 
• food is ready to pop in the oven. I do this with things like sweet potato fries :).

Again, nothing listed here is all that monumental, but if we all start trying to be a little bit more conscientious of the planet's health, then maybe our actions will add up and help counterbalance the immense gravity of everything that is hurting the planet.

from katiedaisy.com

Thank you for reading this and for caring, too. 

<3 <3 <3

Prescription for Compassion

I'm working on several papers at the moment, and one of them has to do with compassion, mindfulness, and the dire need for it in education (and in general life). There is so much tragedy in the news right now, and the UN's latest climate report is quite devastating, and it's all overwhelming, and I wish there were something I could do about it. But there just aren't any ruby slippers for curing the hate and pain in the world. It's got to be a process.

Found on Billboard.com

One of the fundamental elements of yoga is the idea of "ahimsa," which is the principle of nonviolence. There are different interpretations as to how to carry ahimsa into everyday life, but the essence of it (in my opinion) is compassion. Wouldn't a more compassionate world be a brighter, happier, healthier, safer place?

Compassion encourages prosocial behavior (i.e. sympathy in action), promotes well-being, and heals relationships (with ourselves and with others), but we don't give it the attention it deserves. Instead, we place the spotlight on success, independence, uniqueness, entrepreneurship, and determination. Is there anything wrong with that? No. But if success, independence, uniqueness, etc., aren't balanced out with a healthy dose of compassion, then we're just going to end up a world full of really driven people who don't care about each other enough to solve the crises we face. Scary, right?

What's great about compassion is that it can start right here and right now. By being compassionate in your daily life, you can help ease some of the burden of the "compassion deficit" that seems to plague the planet. And compassion is not only between you and those around you. Compassion for yourself is important, too . . . especially in eating disorder recovery. 

I hate to admit this, but one of my not-so-great recovery moments took place at a time when I could've chosen to meditate into the moment but instead allowed the inner demons to come in and start yelling at me. I don't like eating really late at night, but we were at an event that ran much later than expected, and we didn't end up getting home until after 9:00. So dinner at 9:30. That's not that big a deal, right? No, not at all. I'm serious about this--it. is. not. a. big. deal. But for some reason, the nasty little Gollum creature that likes to taunt me crept into my mind and started running on all my worry trails and yelling scary things. No one else could tell I was upset inside, or that I was battling an inner demon, but that didn't matter because I knew that I'd made the mistake of letting Gollum go all "my precious" about the eating hour.

What I'm hoping to get across with this post is that the eating disorder voice is the exact opposite of compassion. It is the anti-ahimsa, and it is something that we need less of in this world. Sometimes, it's easy to put up with the eating disorder voice because we're so used to having judgmental, critical thoughts about ourselves and don't feel "worthy" of self-compassion. But remember that self-compassion can help the planet because it needs more compassionate people right now. So if you can't bring yourself to practice compassion for your sake, do it for someone else's. That's helped me. I try to picture someone I really love and then ask myself how I would want them to treat themselves. Would I want them to get all freaked out inside about when they ate? Or would I want them to just breathe, relax, and let go?  

Found on Pinterest.com (Elephant image at top = also from Pinterest.com)

<3

 

Re-framing "Just Do It" for Eating Disorder Recovery

Just Do It. That's the trademark phrase we see plastered across images of sweat-drenched athletes and exercisers all over the world. And while there's nothing at all wrong with that--yay for sports and sneakers--the whole idea of "just do it" becomes insidious when seen through the lens of an eating disorder. In the throes of anorexia, exercise addiction, etc., "just do it" can be a motivator to push harder, faster, strong, longer.

I used to see "just do it" as a justification for my compulsive movement and restrictive eating, and even today it makes me feel a bit inadequate. I mean, here I am, trying to relax more and eat more while there are all these Nike models out there who are boxing and dieting and sweating.

I love yoga and have found so much relief and flexibility in it--far more than I ever found in excessive running and HIIT--but it doesn't make me as exhausted or intense as anyone in a sports advertisement ever looks. And because society has come to praise the HIIT-doing, weightlifting, super-fit people we see in magazines and on TV, I've been brainwashed into thinking that I need to be exhausted and/or adrenaline-buzzed after a workout or else it "doesn't count." Newsflash: stop doing things that make you feel totally drained or that increase your anxiety. If your workout is making you more stressed or is messing with your hormones, it isn't working for you. As I've written here before, some of us do well on running, others of us do well on more low-intensity things, and some of us don't "do" any sort of formal exercise at all. Movement is dependent on the individual, so let's stop comparing ourselves to the advertisements, take a collective deep breath, and just "be" in our bodies. Being in your body is much more fulfilling than being in control of your body.

I found this on Google Images, and it's not mine, but it's adorable!

But back to "just do it." What I've realized recently is that "just do it" can actually be used very effectively as a motivator to get better. After all, isn't the whole purpose of "just do it" to motivate people to become healthier versions of themselves?  Just as with exercise, health is subjective, and getting healthy isn't limited to adding a gym membership and picking up a calorie-tracking app. For people getting over anorexia or trying to fix a hormonal imbalance related to stress and restriction, getting healthy often means eating more food (even if that's counter-intuitive sometimes) and reducing compulsive movement behaviors. Earlier today, while debating whether or not to eat a more substantial morning snack than I'm usually comfortable with, I told myself that I would allot five seconds to worrying/trying to convince myself I didn't need to eat "extra." After five seconds, I told myself, "Just do it." I ate the snack, it was good, and it was over.

Recovery. It's what's healthy for your body.

Just do it.

<3 <3 <3

Stop Being Scared of Recovery

It's so much easier to be scared in eating disorder recovery than it is to be brave. The entire process--entering the unknown, shedding an "identity" (however false it may be), doing everything that's counter-intuitive, willingly getting uncomfortable--is quite frightening from the outside. Is it worth it? What if, what if, what if . . . ?

As someone who's not even done recovering yet, I'm right there with you with the fear and angst. But there comes a moment when you realize you don't really have a choice anymore. I can either let my eating disorder control me and my life and steal my health and youth, or I can take action. That's the key: taking action. Being brave. DOING recovery instead of just giving it lip service.

Here's the good news, though: recovery does not have to suck. Yes, you read that correctly. This whole ordeal doesn't necessarily need to be the "ugh" that we've made it out to be. Find ways to enjoy recovery so that it's sustainable and loving instead of forced and unpleasant! I, for instance, have discovered the joy in yoga and am learning to see it as something beyond a "form of exercise." Thinking in terms of "exercise" is detrimental to my mental health (and therefore to my physical health), so I keep reminding myself that yoga is an ancient and all-encompassing life practice and that the asanas are fun and flowy and that I don't "have" to do any specific routine to "do yoga." 

Speaking of which . . . . 

I've also found recipes that make nourishment more appealing. For a long time, I've avoided so many of these recipes I'm going to make now because I was afraid they had too many calories. Even when I wasn't trying to be afraid, I unconsciously tallied calories up in my head. Two dates in that shake? That's too much. 

But what's the freaking point of doing that anymore? When my blood sugar gets too low, I get angsty, moody, irritable, and actually begin to fear food more than when I've just eaten. Earlier today, when my blood sugar wasn't too low for me to think properly, I saw a banana-date shake recipe online and decided that it looked really yummy and would be a fun snack for the afternoon. Immediately, a little voice popped into my head and said, "But your normal snack is much smaller!" On any other day, I would've given into this voice, but today I told the voice to shut up. I remembered what I'd learned in yoga--that our perception determines our reality and that we can control our reactions--and I decided that I was going to make myself a banana-date smoothie with all the nut butter and protein powder I wanted to add to it just because I could. And I did. And it was awesome. I was "doing recovery," and it didn't involve any sweat or pain. It was fun. It tasted like bananas!

<3 

Mental Health Day and Positive Thinking in Recovery

In eating disorder recovery, it's often difficult to tell the difference between what's healthy (i.e. pro-recovery) and what isn't. The eating disorder voice is a brilliant trickster that enjoys manipulating us and convincing us to sabotage ourselves, but we have to train ourselves to stop listening to its lies. This is the "work" of recovery--the active, involved part of it that makes it an ongoing process as opposed to a simple overnight fix. Sadly, we can't simply say, "I choose recovery" and expect to be cured. Actions truly speak louder than words when it comes to moving past an eating disorder.

I'm struggling with this today because hunger signals continue to confuse me. I acknowledge that I'm supposed to eat more in order to heal, but there's a very strong force inside me that is resisting the "extra food" because I don't always feel like I need it or want it. Why eat when I'm full? Why eat when I think my body is fine as it is?

Friends, these are the sorts of thoughts that hold us back. Recovery is about getting uncomfortable and going against the beliefs that we've been obeying for so long. If I could really trust my hunger signals and thoughts about food, then I wouldn't still be dealing with the long-term effects of restrictive eating and overexercise. And for anyone with a history of food restriction or overexercise, going against what's feels "right" is imperative. So, even if we don't want to eat that morning snack or add that extra scoop of almond butter, we've got to do it. It's the healthy choice, and any time we choose to restrict or stagnate, we're not choosing recovery.

Something that's been helpful to me lately has been repeating a mantra to myself about how I would like my life to be "after recovery." I believe in prayer and the power of positive thinking, and I recently watched a video by Elisa Oras about using the Law of Attraction to facilitate eating disorder recovery. Instead of focusing on all the discomfort and all the negatives of recovery, focus on how you'd like to feel when you're fully recovered. What's your life like? What's your relationship with your body like? Recovery is your opportunity to take your life back. Obviously, recovering won't magically "fix" everything in your reality, but wouldn't a life without obsessive food thoughts and body hatred be really nice?

Positive thinking can be difficult at first, but it's been scientifically proven to have benefits for your mental and physical well-being. When you're eating something that makes you uncomfortable, don't put too much energy into thinking about how your stomach feels/how nervous you are/etc. Instead, think, "I'm healthy. I'm strong. I'm beautiful. I'm kind. I'm free. I'm flexible." Those sorts of affirmations (even if you don't believe them at first) can not only help you to manifest a better relationship with yourself and with food but can also help engage your parasympathetic nervous system. And when your parasympathetic nervous system is engaged, your body relaxes and your digestion improves! Yay, fewer stomach complaints!

I know it's challenging to focus on gratitude and positive thoughts in recovery, and I totally recognize that positive thinking isn't always a simple choice. There are a whole lot of factors at play--hormones, neurotransmitters, etc. But even if you're struggling, at least try to commit to yourself today to make pro-recovery choices. Do it in honor of Mental Health Day. I believe in you.

<3 <3 <3

We Need Compassion in Recovery and in Life

Before I get into this post, I want to address just how devastating the news out of Indonesia is. The footage of homes washing away and mothers weeping over photos of their missing children have been on my mind all week, and I keep wishing that I could rewind time and undo all the horror. The only comfort I've found is in the words of Mr. Rogers: 

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.'"

When airplanes were trying to land during the tsunami, a 21 year-old air traffic controller stayed at work long enough to make sure that they landed safely and then lost his life as the waves crashed into and destroyed the control tower. And throughout the rest of Indonesia, everyday heroes are saving family members, neighbors, and strangers in the wake of unconscionable tragedy. These are the helpers Mr. Rogers was talking about. They're the ones who are here to remind us that there is still good in the world and that we have absolutely no excuse not to contribute to it.

Compassion is consideration and sympathy for pain and suffering, and it is free of judgement, hate, and criticism. It's the antithesis of an eating disorder because it emphasizes love an attunement, not disconnect and hate.

From Quotesgram

A friend dealing working on through own recovery process recently shared that her "teen-hood" will be ending soon and that she spent the majority of it with disordered eating behaviors. 

"Disordered thoughts weren't on my mind all the time, and I'm grateful to have had the adolescence I did. But, admittedly, every year was marked by some sort of disordered eating issue. Restriction, fear, overexercise . . . ."

That part about the thoughts not being on her mind "all the time" is significant to me because, for many people recovering from eating disorders, it can be easy to forget that the disordered mindset is abnormal and needs constant work. Obviously, it's good if you've found things in life to focus on that aren't body-related, but if you're happy or distracted until some food fear triggers you, then you've got more work to do and can't afford to stagnate in quasi-recovery. The tricky thing is that you actually have to work on recovering. Ugh, work, I know. Why can't we just decide one day to be recovered and then move on? Why do we have to consciously face change and uncertainty? Why can't it be easy?!

Every meal plan increase, exercise cut, or unplanned meal brings a chaotic cascade of discomfort, but that discomfort is just a reminder that the eating disorder isn't totally defeated yet. It may take a long time to go away completely, but until then our job is to be stronger than it is, even if that means consciously, actively choosing to combat it every day.  Just remember to focus on compassion, Mr. Rogers, and the fact that recovery is an active process.

Recovery is an opportunity to be your own hero, and then from there, you can be a hero for others, too.

<3