New Year's Recovery Goals

Happy New Year, loves! This can be a wonderful time for refreshing and reflecting, but it can also be a time that is fraught with self-judgement and self-hatred. I'm trying to make the season of twinkly lights and hymns last as long as possible, but as Christmas is now over, most of the media has shifted its attention to diets. I wrote quite a bit about the whole "new year, new me" mindset in my last post, and I'm definitely noticing just how much pressure there is to "make up for the holidays."

SIGH.

What are we really "making up" for? It's awesome to do things that make your body feel better--taking a walk with your family, eating something nourishing and warming, drinking a cup of tea--but please don't jump on the restriction bandwagon! It's crazy tempting, I know, but it's not worth it. I'm reading BrainwashED by Elisa Oras, and I've learned so much about how chronic dieting hurts our bodies. Think about it: how can our bodies trust us if we're constantly depriving them of nourishment and forcing them into insane exercise routines?

How our bodies feel when we're chronically dieting (Giphy)

Instead of setting yourself up for another round of what Elisa calls "Diet Merry-Go-Hell," how about taking 2019 as an opportunity to set yourself up for long-term health awesomeness? I'm proposing a challenge for all of us eating disorder warriors to actually get better. Woah, there, wait a second . . . what if that means changing physically? Change = scary!!

But isn't change the whole point of recovery? If I were healthy right now as I am, then why would I even need to recover?  

Snacks, increasing intake, getting rid of "sick" clothes, decreasing physical activity (see below) . . . these all freak Bellatrix* out, but if I want her to let me go, I need to make her as uncomfortable as possible. Even if that means she'll make me a bit uncomfortable in the process.

When you're not supposed to exercise in recovery . . . . (Giphy)

My "new year, new me" plans include doing most of the things that the fitness magazines tell you not to do, but, just like everyone else, I'm doing these things in order to get healthy. We're all different. If you're getting over anorexia, for instance, eating dessert every night may be just what you need to do in order to be the healthiest version of yourself. PLEASE, don't judge yourself, restrict yourself, or hurt yourself. Be your body's best friend. All your body wants to do is to keep you alive, so let it.

Talk to yourself like you love yourself, eat like you love yourself, and move (or rest) like you love yourself. Following breakfast, a morning snack, and lunch, I'm feeling kind of uncomfortable, but I'm sitting (not standing, running, or pacing!) with a heating pad and doing my homework. The fitness magazine says I should skip a morning snack, go on a run, and fast as long as I can, but I'm not going to do that because I've tried already tried all those things. I've done exactly what the magazines want me to do, and guess what? My skin dried out, I became irrationally afraid of eating, and I spent a good portion of high school stressing about how to avoid eating dessert at my birthday. I'm sick from Bellatrix, and I'm sick of Bellatrix. 2019 is not her year.

<3 <3 <3 

*Bellatrix is the name I use for the eating disorder voice in my head. Note that I adore Helena Bonham Carter and Harry Potter. I only call the eating disorder voice "Bellatrix" because I love movies and literature and Bellatrix is a really scary villain.

Holiday Thoughts from Eating Disorder Recovery

Now that final exams are over and it's almost the last day of Advent, I feel like the whole season is going by very quickly, and it's increasingly difficult to stay grounded amidst the chaos of last-minute shopping and mailing and the close of the semester as both a student and a teacher. The little kids I work with were very excited to be going home for winter break, and I'm grateful to be home. Most of my energies are now devoted to approaching scholarship deadlines, cleaning, sending packages, cat-sitting, and more cleaning, but, as someone still "in recovery," my thoughts have of course wandered to places eating disorder-related.  Needless to say, some of those places have been more enlightened than others.

Seriously, though . . .  these gingerbread men are more enlightened than I am sometimes.

From delish.com

It's the time of year that, between Christmas songs, radios play advertisements for gym memberships to help you "get back on track" after the holidays. I'm by no means being critical or negative about these ads. Gym memberships can be wonderful opportunities for people to take a break, relax, and do something fun and active. But the way we talk about "fitness" is seriously flawed. By using phrases like "earn it to burn it," we've created a paradigm that food and exercise are related. In order to eat, you need to work out.

If I told that to my child self, she'd look at me like I were crazy. For little kids, "working out" isn't really a thing. My students move around intuitively, eat intuitively, sleep well, and lead healthy lifestyles just by default, and they all look different based on genetics. They don't have any of the addictive, unhealthy habits that hurt people physically and mentally, and they don't exist in extremes. None of them are equating what they eat to how they move, yet none of them are spending all day watching YouTube videos, either. "Balanced' doesn't mean "following all the magic health guidelines" and being "perfect." It means just being and living in a way that is light and flexible and free and connected to nature, your spirit, and other people.

In other words, "balanced" does not mean jumping on the self-hate train as soon as the holidays are over.

I know that this is much easier said than done. It's been a long, long time since I've eaten dessert and felt totally, 100% "free" about it afterwards. Usually, a lot of breath-holding and self-hate is involved! As someone who loves yoga, meditation, and spirituality, I often feel like a hypocrite. I give so much lip service to "compassion" and "loving-kindness" and "flexibility," but then when I'm supposed to be compassionate, kind, and flexible with myself, I'm the opposite.

Janis is probably talking about anorexia! (Image not mine.)

What's been helping me in times of self-bullying (which, for anyone affected by New Year's food- and body-shaming, may be more frequent during the holiday season) is taking a deep breath and going to that more spiritual place in my head that realizes my body is a gift, not a burden or an object. Again, this is easier said than done, but when you're judging yourself, try to take a step away from yourself. There's this lovely quote floating around the Internet about how everyone is just a "ghost piloting a meat-covered skeleton made of stardust." If at our essence we're really just ghosts/souls/spirits/cosmic beings, then our bodies are vehicles through which we can interact with the world. We need to appreciate them for what they are, take care of them, and stop angsting about how to "change" and "fix" them. JUST BE. The only thing you need to "detox" right now is self-hate. It's doing much more damage than any enlightened little gingerbread man every will.

<3 <3 <3 

Embracing Unpredictability

Instead of studying for finals yesterday, I spent the morning trudging through snowmageddon with my mum and brother. Because of a rather un-foreboding weather forecast, we'd thought that we would be able to make it home from church before the weather got bad, but our 24 year-old car ended up sliding down an ice hill, and we had to abandon it in the middle of the city and seek shelter in our friend's tool shed. By the time he got home to break us out of it, the roads were buried, and we ended up staying the night without access to any of our homework. Yay, finals!

Needless to say, I am so incredibly grateful our hero-friend saved us from the snowstorm. We got locked in his shed, and when he showed up wearing a Santa hat to break us out of it, we were soaked and covered in the purple-red hues of pre-frostbite. I swear that I've never been so happy in my life to have a cup of tea before . . . even if the inspirational quote on the tea bag made me feel a bit foolish for having gone out that morning:

"One thorn of experience is worth a whole wilderness of warning."

Thank you, James Russell Lowell. I'll remember that.

Anyway, we made it back to our poor sweet car today and dug him out of his snow pile enough to get home, and we're desperately trying to make up for our lost study time now. The semester ends this week, so I'm trying to write as fast as possible, but I wanted to take a quick break to post here a little bit because last night got me thinking a lot about practicing gratitude and embracing unpredictability. Both of these things are so crucial to eating disorder recovery.

Found on Yoga for Wellness

One of the things that an eating disorder promises us is control. Often, we become vulnerable to eating disorders in part because something about our lives feels out of control, and we believe that if we control every aspect of what we eat, we'll find a sense of safety and calm. Ironically, though, having an eating disorder actually means losing control to an illness. We give up our sanity, our health, and our happiness for control that we don't actually have. Isn't that scary?!

I know I make this comparison a lot, but Gollum's relationship with the One Ring in The Lord of the Rings is a really good metaphor for the relationship someone has with an eating disorder. Gollum thinks that possessing the One Ring gives him control in his life, but in reality, the One Ring is a very unhealthy fixation for him. I mean, he's willing to spend eternity hunched over in a dark cave talking to himself and cradling the ring like it's the only thing he cares about. "My precious . . . ."

When I think of my eating disorder obsessions, I try to imagine Gollum and the One Ring, and then I realize that an eating disorder--as "in control" as it may make me feel--is ultimately going to ruin my life if I don't fight it, regardless of how counter-intuitive and stressful non-disordered behaviors may seem. But every day that I don't do the hardest workout and every Friday night that I eat a bowl of Luna & Larry's on the couch with my brother is another step closer to freedom.

And as for practicing gratitude . . . my mum and I have been trying to follow some of Lesley Fightmaster and Adriene Mishler's yoga videos on YouTube, and they usually include mindfulness lessons woven in with the actually asanas themselves. A few days ago, we did a yoga video that included a quote from The 7 Book: How Many Days of the Week Can be Extraordinary? by Dan Zadra and Kobi Yamada:

30,000 mornings, give or take, is all we’re given. If you’re 26, you still have 20,000 left. If you’re 54, you still have 10,000. An accident or illness could change all that, of course. But let’s count on you to remain safe and healthy all your allotted life—in which case you still have plenty of time. Sort of.

“We get to think of life as an inexhaustible well,” wrote composer and author Paul Bowles, who lived to the ripe old age of 32,442 mornings. “Yet everything happens only a certain number of times, and a very small number, really. 

“How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, some afternoon that’s so deeply a part of your being that you can’t even conceive of your life without it? Perhaps four or five times more, perhaps not even that. How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps twenty. And yet it all seems limitless.” 

30,000 mornings. We’ll spend some of them on the treadmill, or fighting traffic, or standing in line at the Starbucks store. Just be sure to spend some of yours seeking and savoring the real beauty, mystery, and adventure of your days. This is your life, your one and only life—don’t miss a day of it.

Yesterday, I spent one of my 30,000 mornings hiking to safety in a tool shed, but my family and I didn't die in an accident, and we got to spend the evening with each other and a dear friend instead of spending it obsessing over homework. So I'm grateful for yesterday. Focus on the mornings, the evenings, the mid-days . . . see every moment as an individual piece of time that you've been granted. The freer moments are the ones when the eating disorder isn't in charge. You can do recovery and get your moments back for yourself. I believe in you.

And before I go . . .please be careful if you're in dangerous weather!

<3 <3 <3

Keeping Your Head in Recovery

Eating disorders and the holidays . . . oh, my. Between missing deceased relatives, reconnecting with loved ones, dealing with stress, and trying to balance life, love, pain, and work, holidays are fraught with ambivalence for everyone, but eating disorders add an element of anxiety that most don't understand. Whenever my brother sees a look of fear cross my face at the mention of "dessert," he becomes visibly confused. Why on Earth would anyone be afraid of dessert?

I think what's most challenging about the holidays is that they're often full of unpredictability. They also bring back many memories. I'm incredibly grateful for the fact that I have a sweet family to spend the holidays with and spent much of yesterday wishing that the world were a fairer place and that everyone had a family to be with, and I also kept remembering all the holidays I had to go away from home (personal family reasons with divorce, etc.). Being away and travelling between strangers' houses was confusing, and I was homesick and full of allergies and eventually learned to associate holiday food times with feeling lonely, icky, and awful. When these associations meet with the food guilt of an eating disorder, the results are disastrous. 

I've mentioned this here before, but one of the therapy modalities that's been the most helpful for me in recovery is yoga. This morning, the yoga sequence I was following ended with this powerful quote from Thoreau: "It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see." 

I had my least anorexic Thanksgiving in a while yesterday. I ate all my regular meals and snacks, finished the entire dinner that my mum made, and had a bigger dessert than I would've served myself (and several items included sugar *gasp*). My mum baked things that were allergy-friendly, which I am so grateful for, but despite the love I felt for her and the work that went into making everything, I  still struggled to shake the taunting squeals of Bellatrix in my head. "You ate that! You ate that! You're so unhealthy! How will you make up for it?" 

My eating disorder when she wants to guilt-trip me:

Image from Yahoo

I hate it when Bellatrix yells at me like that. Not only is eating normal, but it's also something I need to do "a lot" (what does that even mean?) of because I'm still very much in recovery, regardless of whether or not I think I am. I managed to quiet Bellatrix enough to have a happy evening, but she showed up again this morning, threatening me with anxiety and guilt. After yoga, though, I repeated Thoreau's words in my head and realized that, even if I can't make Bellatrix go away, I can do my best to change my perception. Every time Bellatrix yells at me, I'm going to stand my ground and tell her that my choices are healthy for me. "I'm being healthy." I know healthy can be a triggering word, but I want to reclaim it from our detox-obsessed culture. In eating disorder recovery, "healthy" means being whole and making choices that nourish your body instead of those that deprive it.

This holiday season, Bellatrix is not invited. Let's keep our minds in recovery.

<3 <3 <3 

Covergirl is Cruelty-Free Now

One of the things I'm grateful for today is that more companies are becoming cruelty-free and environmentally-conscious. It's always broken my heart that the majority of our major industries--beauty, housekeeping, etc.--aren't kind to our animal friends, and when I learned this morning that Covergirl had officially been Leaping Bunny certified, I was so excited. My mum and I have been writing to makeup companies for a long time asking them to eliminate animal testing from their production processes, and Covergirl is now the biggest cruelty-free makeup brand. I hope other brands follow in their footsteps. No animal should ever have to suffer in the name of beauty.

boredpanda.com 

petponder.com 

<3 <3 <3

Recovery Resources

In an effort to put something positive out into the universe, here is an image of an adorable seal cub:

Found on weheartit.com (uploaded by Paty Pegorin)

Knowing that this seal cub is out there makes everything feel a little bit better, doesn't it? (Being myself, though, I am of course now worrying about climate change and the melting ice caps . . . .)

In the spirit of yesterday's post on honesty (Satya) and asking for help in recovery, I want to share some recovery resources today. These are just a few of the articles, websites, blogs, podcasts, and videos that have helped me and motivated me in the recovery process. It's reassuring to have people to relate to and look up to in recovery . . . they can serve as reminders that, no matter how loud the inner Gollum is, recovery is not only possible but also totally worth it.

Podcasts

• Nourishing Minds Nutrition 
• Meg and Victoria are dietitians who focus on intuitive eating, health at every size, traditional foods, and hormone healing. They've both struggled with eating disorders, and in their podcast, they cover everything from exercise addiction to environmental sustainability. 
• Liveng Proof
• I found out about this podcast on the Nourishing Minds Nutrition podcast. Engrid is a personal trainer who dealt with disordered eating and exercise habits for years before discovering intuitive eating and mindful movement. Her show features episodes on the "pain body," femininity, sexual trauma, and holistic wellness, and her guests include psychoanalysts and chiropractors. 

YouTube

• A Case of the Jills
• Jill is a former marathoner who went through hypothalamic amenorrhea and exercise addiction, and her videos are insightful, honest, and moving. She answers questions primarily related to "detraining" and HA recovery, but for anyone who has a disordered relationship with exercise, I highly recommend her channel. 
• Follow the Intuition
• Elisa is the author of BrainwashED: Diet Induced Eating Disorders, and her YouTube channel features videos addressing issues about recovery from bulimia, anorexia, orthorexia, OSFED, and exercise addiction. Basically, she discusses everything, and her honesty and openness are encouraging and reassuring.
• MegsyRecovery
• Meg is an adorable newlywed who not only features her cute cat in her videos but also has videos from multiple stages of recovery. She answers viewer questions in each episode, and some of the episodes that helped me the most are the ones addressing "not feeling hungry" and the fear of "losing fitness." Meg also sometimes shares tips from her therapist.

Blogs and Websites

• A Life Without Anorexia
• Izzy now blogs at It's a Healthy Lifestyle, but her original anorexia recovery blog still has all its old posts up. She blogged throughout her recovery journey, so there are posts from every stage of recovery, which can be helpful for someone who's struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
• Wholly Healed
• Jess is a Certified Eating Psychology Coach who specializes in "functional endocrinology." Her posts address many of the myths propagated by the media that are hurting women's hormonal health. Reading about how chronic cardio, fasting, and calorie restriction may actually do more harm than good really opened my eyes!
• RawRitta
• Ritta recovered from orthorexia and exercise addiction, and her caring personality and honest videos and blog posts are encouraging and reassuring. 

There are many other helpful resources out there, but these are some of the ones I return to the most often. What blogs/sites/videos/podcasts have been helpful for you?

<3 <3 <3 

Honesty in Eating Disorder Recovery

I love yoga very, very much, and it makes me sad that, for many years, limiting beliefs surrounding exercise prevented me from ever really embracing the practice. It wasn't a "workout" like running was, so I didn't have time for it.

Ugh. I wish I could go back and tell my runner self that running = not for me. I wish I could tell her to tune into her intuition--not the voice in her head--and practice Satya.

Image from Authentic Self Yoga

Satya is the Yama of truthfulness. It's about being honest with yourself and with those around you, and it's a crucial component of successfully combating any eating disorder. The reality of eating disorder recovery is that it's hard. It's wrapped up in confusion, false beliefs, and a cult-like devotion to the idols of "purity" and "control," and there are times when it can feel like you have no idea where you are. Are you headed in the right direction? Are you even sick? What if you're doing it wrong? Why are you thinking about food all the time? Is this normal? What if this is normal?

If you're hyper-focused on food and have to ask yourself "is this normal?" all the time, then it most likely isn't. But I understand why you're stuck. I get that way, too. I know that my ultimate goal is to be recovered, but it's so so so easy to get distracted by something else--school, life in general--and then "forget" that I'm still not recovered yet.

This is where Satya comes in. If I'm being honest with myself, I know that I still have a lot of work to do to get better because I have way too many rules. And I also know that, if I want to get better, I need help. I need guidance, oversight, accountability. Friends, the eating disorder thrives on control, but you need to give some of that control up. Find someone you love and trust and practice Satya with them. Be fully honest. Ask for help.

I've been lucky to have a really supportive, loving family this entire time, but there are areas where I notice I still try to take control. And I don't think I'm fully ready for that yet, so I'm trying to practice more Satya in my life and ask for help. It's difficult to admit that you're not 100% there, but if you ever want to get better, you need to acknowledge that something is off. What's wonderful is that when you find that person who can help you--a parent, a sibling, a friend, a therapist--they're going to see you with love. They're not going to judge you. They want the best for you, too.

From TIME

It's going to be okay.

<3 <3 <3