Hi, friends! I know I haven't been on here in a while, but I wanted to take a minute to remind you that--no matter how far into the hole of the eating disorder mindset you feel--recovery is possible. Having had an eating disorder for all of high school and most of university, I know from experience that "recovered" can seem so far away that it feels easier to stay where you are, but trust me when I say that you can do this. Eating a cupcake past 8:00 PM while celebrating my brother's twentieth birthday party (i.e. a gathering of five close, vaccinated friends and two cats), something deep inside of me realized that--while having an eating disorder isn't a choice--recovery is.
And to support you along your recovery journey, here are some songs that I've found to be very motivating. Some of them are a bit more melancholy, but they've been very meaningful for reflecting on recovery. "I had to lose you to love me" can be a powerful message to the eating disorder voice, and "St. Jude" inspired me to pray to a higher power when I felt completely lost. And then the more upbeat songs--like "Shake it Out"--are energetically and emotionally uplifting and refreshing. One of the reasons I included so many Florence + the Machine songs is that Florence Welch went through anorexia.
You've got this <3.
Florence + the Machine: "Shake it Out"
Florence + the Machine: "St. Jude"
Florence + the Machine: "Hunger"
Selena Gomez: "Lose You to Love Me"
Lykke Li: "Dance, Dance, Dance" (with Bon Iver)
Fun: "Carry On"
Birdy: "Wings"
Julia Michaels: "Anxiety"
<3 <3 <3
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“When your healthy self is strong enough to deal with all that comes your way in life, your eating disorder self will no longer be useful or necessary."
-Carolyn Costin, 8 Keys to Recovery from an Eating Disorder
When I first read this, I was not in a good place. I was standing in the office of the university's therapy department looking through their small self-help library and wondering if any of the other students would notice that I was carrying a stack of books related to anorexia and body image. But as I got better, the idea of my "healthy self" started to make more sense. Somehow, following my meal plan and committing to being honest with myself, my care team, and my family enabled me to get in touch with my healthy self, and having "met" her, I am now able to call on her to help me with my relapse.
So . . . who is this mysterious "healthy self"? And what can we do to better hear her/him/them?
Personally, I find it helpful to imagine my healthy self as an older, wiser sister version of myself--someone who can see through the eating disorder's lies. And sometimes I even imagine her as my inner child--someone who I can take care of the way I take care of my students or siblings. When I'm tempted to listen to the eating disorder voice, I pause and ask myself what my healthy self would do. What would--to quote Marie Kondo--"spark joy"?
Even though listening to the healthy self may make you uncomfortable at first because disordered thought patterns, rules, and routines are so. so. so. ingrained in your subconscious mind, "sparking joy" can be a really useful way to make the healthy voice louder. What would you do in this moment if you were someone without an eating disorder? What would you do if you were, for say, a character on your favorite TV show or in your favorite book? What would bring your heart--not your rule-following mind--joy? And by "joy," I mean realjoy--the joy that comes from being your true self and fulfilling your heart's need to feel and give love.
Becoming a teacher has made a huge difference in my recovery journey, and I really credit my teaching job for saving my life. Being with my students "spark[s] joy"--even on the hardest days--because it gives me something truly meaningful to focus on that exists outside of eating disorder thoughts.
Other things that can be really helpful for finding joy outside of your eating disorder include . . . .
1) Reading. I'm currently working through All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr--a beautiful, powerful, tragic book that gets me out of my worry trails and into my heart space.
2) Watching a long-running television show. If you watch an episode every day/few days/week, that will make the show last longer, and the characters can become friends that remind you that there's more to life than eating and exercising. I really like Felicity, LOST, and Party of Five.
3) Engaging in joyful movement. I had a really, really bad exercise addiction, so I fully recognize that movement may not be for everyone. And finding ways to cope with anxiety that don't involve movement is essential to fully recovering. But if movement is something you'd like to explore and that you feel would be safe (i.e. not triggering or physically hurtful) for you, I recommend checking out Yoga with Adriene or Mimi Kuo-Deemer on YouTube or blasting music and having a dance party.
4) Just listening to music! I love Florence & the Machine, The White Stripes, Lykke Li, Bon Iver, Kate Bush, and The Cranberries. I'm also going to dedicate a whole post to songs that have helped me in recovery :).
5) Trying foods you used to love! I can't tell you how happy I felt having an almond butter and jelly sandwich in my lunchbox for the first time in five years when I started "recovering for real" at the end of 2019. And while I'm gluten-free due to gluten intolerance, I discovered the Kinnikinnick version and had my first "Oreos" in over seven years today! And it was really fun!
6) Picking up old hobbies (or finding new ones). I used to write all the time. I started writing "books" when I was four, and throughout elementary and middle school, I was always thinking of stories and characters and how to bring them to life. I stopped writing in the deepest parts of my eating disorder because all I could think about were food and exercise, but now I'm writing again, and it feels really good to finally be doing heart-centered activities again.
I'm sending everyone love, hugs, and the Force (I'm a bit of a Star Wars geek). What activities can you incorporate into your day that might help you get in touch with your "healthy self"? Could you call a friend? Plan a movie date with your cat? Whatever you do, remember that you are strong enough to get through your worries. You've got this.
I recently wrote about recovering from a relapse, and after a rough few days, I prayed for the strength to do what I need to do to heal so that I can show up as the most loving, present version of myself as a daughter, teacher, sister, and friend. Moving out of my head and my worries about myself and into a place of love for others always helps me when the anorexia voice is yelling at me. Anorexia wants to isolate you. I'm very much an introvert, but trust me--the isolation that anorexia offers you isn't pleasant quiet time with a good book. Rather, it's time alone with a bully.
When I woke up last Sunday (the first day of NEDA Week), I set the intention to do my best at making recovery-focused choices and getting back into the headspace I was in over the summer. And that was when I remembered the simple mindset shift I'd experienced last year--that recovery doesn't have to be hard.
Is it hard? Yes! Of course. But in my head, I try to set the intention for it not to be.
I still have to challenge myself, and I still feel scared, overwhelmed, and worried a lot. But I'm doing my best to act as though I'm not scared, overwhelmed, or worried. If I'm hungry but the anorexia voice is telling me to fast until lunch "because then lunch will be more rewarding," I choose joy over pain and have a snack. Which is awesome! Recovery means making choices that--even if they feel uncomfortable at first--will ultimately make you feel better.
Drinking the night shake doesn't always come naturally to me, and sometimes, I'd rather not drink it. But I know that--in the end--it is the healthy choice. Not "healthy" in the convoluted, green drinks-only way. "Healthy" in the authentic, balanced, happy way that involves everything from eating a veggie stir-fry to dunking an Oreo in milk just to find out what all the hype is about.
I want to start this by saying that my thoughts and prayers go out to anyone who is struggling right now. I have family and friends in Texas, and the situation there is just one example of the incredible suffering that is going on in the world at any given time. I'm an INFJ/P, and if I start thinking too much about all the pain that others are experiencing (humans, animals, plants. . . even fictional characters), I get a bit overwhelmed. I don't want to open this on a negative note (this post is meant to be inspiring, I promise!), but I think that--as much as acknowledging the pain around us can be triggering--it can also be a source of motivation for getting better.
"I am 7 years sober today. I send my love and support to anyone who is struggling. If you are feeling shaky around ED issues, drugs or alcohol, I completely understand. The desire to disassociate is so strong. But please don’t give up. We are going to need you on the other side."
As I'm working on moving through this most recent relapse, I keep thinking of Florence's words and the idea of "the other side." Anorexia is really, really limiting. As someone who's been battling it for seven years, I can tell you that it doesn't help anyone. Not you, not your friends, not your family . . . and certainly not the world. But don't feel guilty. Just as I didn't decide to fall into anorexia, orthorexia, or exercise addiction, you, too, didn't wake up one day and choose to stop eating. But recovery IS a choice. A difficult choice that leads to a long journey, but a choice nonetheless.
And here's the beauty of working towards "the other side"--you have the chance to base your life on your values. You can start living the life you want to live today. Isn't that wonderful?
What are your values? What version of yourself do you want to be? The version that can enjoy dessert with her mum, read a book instead of going for a run, and volunteer at the SPCA without worrying about what she's going to eat for lunch, or the version that is too afraid to do anything but micromanage her eating and exercise habits? I've been the latter version of myself for far too long. In my relapse, I sort of lost sight of the potential to "get better for real," but I decided on Lunar New Year to commit to living the life I want to live.
Of course, this (like so many things) is easier said than done. I recently downloaded the BrighterBite app for eating disorder recovery, and it is a wonderful, free tool (with an adorable aesthetic) that I highly recommend to anyone who feels bullied by their thoughts. I'm also starting therapy again. Having someone (or multiple people, ideally) outside of you holding you accountable can be fundamental for making progress. Getting this support system requires a lot of honesty, though. The anorexia voice may tell you that keeping your fears a secret will keep you "safe," but honesty is what's going to save you. I promise. This week, I admitted to my mum that--despite being 1000% times healthier than I was a year ago--I've been harboring fears around carbohydrates. The anorexia voice had me convinced that I couldn't eat the same bread as my mum and brother with my lunch because that would be "too many carbs at lunch." Flashback to my childhood, when my brother and I had the same lunches most days. I was completely healthy having hummus on a bagel or sunflower seed bread with almond butter, yet the anorexia voice would like to convince me that I "can't" eat those sorts of things anymore. UGH.
Well, after being honest about this both with myself and with my mum and "challenging" myself with the gluten-free bread my brother eats, I realized that the anorexia voice is (once again) lying to me. And even better than realizing that is realizing that I now have the freedom to, for instance, shop at a wider variety of stores because I'm no longer afraid of carbs at lunch. (Side note: We're GF because of Celiac in my family, and Canyon Bakehouse bread is really, really yummy--and it comes in recyclable packaging!)
If you're looking for permission to step outside of your comfort zone, open up about your worries, and start living a life on your terms (not anorexia's!), please take this post as a sign that all of these things are not only totally safe but also incredibly rewarding. When I start worrying about recovery being scary or bad, I remember that my life is so much better now than it was when I was in the deepest depths of anorexia. I'm on this journey with you, and as someone who is recovering, I want you to know that you CAN do it and that it is definitely WORTH it.
Lunar New Year is tomorrow. In the class where I teach, we made paper dragons to scare away bad luck, and at home, I'm sweeping the kitchen and hanging some red lanterns in honor of my own Chinese heritage and my hope that the coming year will call in the sturdiness, resilience, and courage of the Ox. My grandmother was a Rat, and given how incredibly challenging last year was, I attribute any of the good that came during it (such as the election, etc.) to her and the communion of spirit guides of which she is now a member. I was raised with a very eclectic spirituality that blends Taoist oneness with the statues of the Virgin Mary tucked away into Irish grottoes and nature worship, and throughout my recovery, I've been fighting to reconnect with the part of myself that believes in Chang'e and Mary Magdalene. (This is the same part that also loves making toast to enjoy while writing and reading--a part I've tried to crush beneath aggressive "should's" and "have to's".) But I'm not always as brave as I'd like to be, and after naively thinking I was fully recovered this summer, I incidentally slipped back into anorexic thinking patterns a few months ago after some stressful triggers I didn't expect would affect me. Like seeing someone from high school at the store. Backsliding wasn't intentional. It just happened, and while I look and feel 1000% better than I did two years ago, my brain and body still have some healing to do.
Okay. Maybe a lot of healing. Even if you're far along in recovery, an eating disorder/anxiety disorder can make you go from feeling on top of the world one moment to feeling angry at yourself and very sad the next. I have tremendous gratitude for all the love in my life, but in the moments that the bully voice is yelling at me, I can't help but to miss childhood and the way it felt to be entirely free of any compulsions to control what I eat or how I move. Something that's helped me is remembering who I used to look up to--Amélie Poulain, Violet Baudelaire, and Padmé Amidala. These are characters who lead out of love rather than out of fear.
Somewhere along the way, though, my connection to my heart broke under the weight of anxiety and pressures to abandon my spirituality in favor of competitive Western individualism.
In other words, I stopped believing in faeries.
And now that I have the perspective (thank you, nutrition!) to at least admit I'm struggling, I have the hope of getting better--for real this time. This summer let me know that it's possible, even if I'm still a bit of an addict. Thinking of an eating disorder as an addiction can be helpful because, like other addictions, eating disorders lead to compulsive behaviors and alter the reward centers in our brains. Exercise can become a compulsion that initially leaves us feeling "high," but over time, that high goes away, and all that's left is someone so desperate to feel "numb" or "safe" that they're willing to sacrifice everything just for a few more minutes on the treadmill. Same with unhealthy fasting. It's not an answer to anything--just a temporary high that comes with long-term consequences.
I'm writing this to let you know that relapses are okay and that you still have permission to heal. If you've relapsed--even if just slightly--you still deserve to do the work to get better. You have permission to have the life you want to have. You can learn to believe in faeries again, and as we all know from Peter Pan, that's all it takes to bring them back to life.
The world is a very scary place sometimes, and right now, we're experiencing something that I couldn't have predicted.
How are you? How are your loved ones?
I'm very grateful that I get to be home with my family. The school I teach at is transitioning to an online format, which has been challenging, but my heart is with the first responders and the heroes that are making it possible for the world to maintain some level of normalcy. And my prayers go out to those who are suffering right now. The other day on the news, I heard a rabbi talking about the difference between "inconveniences" and "problems." Inconveniences are the little things that we tend to feel anxious about or frustrated with. But they aren't problems, and the more we learn to handle them, the better able we will be to handle real problems when they arise.
Gratitude.
It all comes back to gratitude. And service.
For anyone dealing with an eating disorder, know that focusing on gratitude and on service will make the whole recovery process so much easier. Trust me. I've been battling Bellatrix (the ED voice) for nearly seven years, but I've made a lot of progress in the past three months because I've finally stepped out of my head and into my life. I've started trying to give back in what little ways that I can while also constantly reminding myself of how lucky I am to have the opportunity to heal.
Eating disorders like to trap us in the worry trails in our minds, and--at least for me--focusing too much on myself and my thoughts made these trails even harder to escape. The more I got into my head and my feelings of discomfort, anxiety, etc., the stronger Bellatrix became.
I'm not saying that it's bad to talk about our feelings. I actually met with a therapist last semester, and having someone to talk to is incredibly important.
But remembering that there is more to life than the stories we tell ourselves is important, too.
Lao Tzu taught that "what is small is easy to scatter." The smaller our lives become, the more easily the winds of anxiety can sweep them away. We need to root ourselves in things that are lasting--like faith, love, and gratitude.
That being said, I have some resources to share that I hope will help anyone dealing with eating disorder thoughts, body image challenges, or even just general feelings of anxiety.
Yoga With Adriene
If yoga is something that you and your treatment/support team agree would be supportive to you, I can't recommend Yoga With Adriene enough. I did the Revolution series with my mum last month, and Adriene's flexible attitude and fun personality serve as helpful reminders that movement should never be a punishment. In one of her videos, Adriene even says that she doesn't "subscribe" to the "no pain, no gain" philosophy. She's a good role model for loving yourself and everyone else.
The Real Life RD
Another good role model is Robyn Nohling, FNP, RD. In her blog, she debunks nutrition myths, shares fun recipes (marbled banana bread, anyone?), promotes intuitive eating/HAES, and provides a plethora of resources surrounding female health and wellness. I've been reading Robyn's blog for a long time, but I actually got to meet her in person this year. She's awesome and brilliant, and her perspective on health is so freaking refreshing after spending so long in the diet culture rabbit hole!
Mimi Kuo-Deemer
I found Mimi through the qigong videos she posts on YouTube, and her calming demeanor and graceful presence inspired me to read Qigong and the Tai Chi Axis: Nourishing Practices for Body, Mind, and Spirit, her first book. I LOVE THIS BOOK. Mimi is a yoga teacher who incorporates qigong into her practices. Qigong is a Chinese healing system based on fluid movements inspired by the five elements (Earth, Wood, Metal, Water, and Fire), and being of Chinese heritage myself, I love incorporating qigong's principles of balance and fluidity into yoga (and into my daily life). Mimi is also currently offering donation-based yoga and qigong classes online via Zoom.
Happy Friday! I'm sending happy thoughts for everyone from the world of midterms. I'm grateful to be feeling much better today than I was earlier this week, but now that the fatigue of the flu is gone, my anxiety is beginning to ramp up a bit. Anxiety likes to take whatever energy we have and channel it into running through worry trails. My worry trails include thoughts like:
"Move more!"
"Wait--what's in that? Is that too much?!"
"Plan. Plan. Plan."
"You need to earn your food!"
"How many calories is that? Is it too many?"
"Should you have x if you're planning on having y later? Both are fruits. Fruits have sugar!"
UGH.
I wish that I could say that I were far enough on my own recovery journey to have released these thoughts, but the truth is that I'm not. Yoga has been immensely helpful for me in terms of learning to work with my body as opposed to against it, and I recently began using EFT tapping to deal with moments of acute anxiety. (I'll write more about EFT later--it's really cool and wonderful!)
But I still have some limiting beliefs surrounding food and movement. A major issue lately has been my belief that I need to "earn" my food through movement (i.e. lots of walking, standing, etc.). The idea that you need to burn x calories in order to be "allowed" to eat something is pretty ridiculous, but it's one of the diet culture myths that has been the hardest for me to separate myself from.
empoweredeatingrd.com
I was raised in a home where I was fortunate enough to have access to a variety of nourishing foods that came from sustainable sources. I enjoyed Nanny's homemade almond butter bars and scrambled eggs and feta without hesitation, and making apple crisp or gluten-free brownies (family with Celiac) was a highlight of every Friday night. Helping mum make Thanksgiving dinner never freaked me out, and the few weekends we splurged by getting Whole Foods hot bar takeout were so exciting because they had yummy chicken and salad and OMG gluten-free cookies!
I was a healthy child. I knew I got a rash when I ate dairy or gluten and that certain chemicals made me feel bad, but I didn't have to analyze these reactions or "label" my diet as "plant-based" or anything else. I ate things that made my body feel cared for without having to think about it too much, I played outside, I sometimes did yoga with my mum, and I read a lot.
Something I didn't read? Calories. Sure, I'd look sometimes to see if an ingredient list had a food sensitivity in it, and I avoided things that came from factory farms, but I never looked at calories or serving sizes and used those numbers as guides for how to eat something.
Obsessing over whether or not I'd eaten more than one ounce of Terra chips would've ruined all of my childhood Terra chip-eating experiences. Back then, I looked at a bag of Terra chips with a) gratitude and b) the hope that my brother wouldn't take all of the sweet potato ones.
Calories didn't really start to "matter" to me (read: dictate my life) until I was in my freshman year of high school. I was stressed, lonely, and seeking a way to cope with anxiety. Sadly, the coping mechanism I ended up choosing was the online calorie tracking app we were told to use during health class.
I'm not criticizing health class, but I think some of diet culture's convoluted messaging definitely seeps into a lot of what people are taught about wellness. We aren't taught about the antibiotics used in factory farming or about mindfulness or about the chemicals in Febreeze. And all of the good things we learn about--vegetables, fruits, fun recipes--is largely overshadowed by the calorie.
Even on my healthy diet--the one that my body had been trusting since childhood--my calorie intake was "too high" than my expenditure. I'm very petite, so the BMR that my calorie tracker calculated for me was pretty low, and I remember doing my health homework and discovering the horrifying fact that I was consuming way more calories than I "needed."
Oh, no!
The next part of the assignment--multiplying my excess intake by 365 days and then converting that to pounds--freaked me out even more. I was left feeling like a total failure, and from that point forward, I entered the caloric value of everything I ate into my tracker. I also upped my movement to "compensate" for my intake--just to be safe.
I did everything that I felt was necessary to get an "A." And I ended up getting Anorexia.
#fail
My story (which of course involves more factors than just that health assignment) aside, what I'm trying to get at here is that our brains are very susceptible to the language we expose them to. If we keep telling our brains something, they're going to start to believe us, and then we're going to end up being controlled by whatever it is we told ourselves. Our thoughts are very powerful. If we keep ingesting diet culture-inspired thoughts, then those are the thoughts we're going to have.
I'm proof of this. Diet messaging very easily "sticks" with me. I read somewhere a few years ago that meals MUST be spaced three hours apart. This, apparently, is vital for survival, and I incorporated this rule into my innermost being. As a result, I still struggle with what to do when I'm experiencing low blood sugar. If it's only been two hours since breakfast, I question whether or not I can eat a snack--even if I'm lightheaded or really hungry.
As a child, I definitely would've had a snack. And then I would've moved on. One of Nanny's nut butter bars and I'd be set. But now--just because I read a silly post on a health blog--I'm caught in a limbo of low blood sugar = worrying = waiting (and then still not eating enough) = anxiety.
PLEASE, don't let yourself be controlled by your limiting beliefs! Limiting beliefs lead to limited lives. A best friend of mine once asked me to go to yoga class with her. I panicked. I couldn't go to yoga . . . I had to run so that I could eat dinner.
Don't make that same mistake. Skip the run. Do the yoga. Eat ice cream at your brother's birthday. Dance. Watch a movie. Paint a picture. LIVE.
